The Roast of Patrick ‘EFFIN’ Effeney

I always look forward to receiving emails from The Roar favourite Machooka, usually bemoaning the latest upheaval within Australian rugby.

So it was with great surprise to see a different topic on hand – the ‘curious case of the disappearing hipster.’

He was, of course referring to the sad news of Mr Patrick Effeney’s decision to take the money and run leaving us poor rugby tragics to wonder what the future of our site would look like.

In among the whingeing however was the superb idea of rounding up a few Roarers to put together a tribute piece to the great man – The Roar’s version of a comedy roast.

Once this was decided, a long list of potential Roaring contributors was drafted and slowly whittled down to the smartest, knowledgeable, well respected and much-loved Roarers.

Unfortunately, they all said no for reasons best left undisclosed so I ended up with a few blokes I had contact details for, suitably dubbed the unwashed.

First up, we have a few words from another turncoat, Geoff Parkes.

“For us smug and content baby boomers, the new generation – AKA hipster-bearded, emotionally sensitive young men who have conned themselves into believing computer games are sport, and watermelon infused goat urine is actually craft beer, are, more often than not, insufferable wankers.

To lump esteemed outgoing Roar editor Paddy in with that lot would be unfair; actually, he’s not insufferable at all.

A thoroughly decent and personable bloke on the road to somewhere represents a sad loss for The Roar, but a valuable gain for the Nine network, and whatever lies beyond.

Some parting, free advice to help Paddy succeed at Nine:

– Don’t go anywhere near Amber Sherlock wearing a white jacket.
– Do tell Phil Gould that it’s 2017 and his whole State of Origin mate versus mate, hate versus hate schtick has long passed its use-by date.
– Don’t get on the turps with Karl Stefanovic.
– Do remind Richard Wilkins that he was once a C-grade act in New Zealand called Richard Wilde.
– Do clean up the cricket commentary team, in particular sew Ian Healy’s lips together.
– Don’t go anywhere near Amber Sherlock, full stop; whatever jacket you’re wearing.”

Next up, it is the man with a plan and the master of talking in bullet points, Mr RobC, our residential Malaysian food and scrum expert, who had this to add about the soon to be departed.

“In many ways, we can claim Paddy as one of our own. Irish by name, a Queenslander’s sunny disposition, a Sydneysider in lifestyle, Aussie by nature, with a big tragic rugby heart.

He’s ensured Roarers are like family and friends. We read, watch, comment, laugh, love, fight, whine.

On occasion, we dine. But mostly we understand – not just rugby, but each other.

Today The Roar is an award-winning community, undoubtedly due to a kaleidoscope of contributors, guided and prodded by him.

Here we are bound not only by our love of the sport, but also our common appreciation of it. So, three cheers for Paddy! May your wildest (rugby) dreams come true.”

Incredibly moving words Rob, like a well-oiled scrum, bound in all the right places.

Next on the panel, a true gentleman of The Roar, Mr Rugby Tragic.

“Firstly, I have no idea why an obviously talented young man would want to advance his career by moving on to greener pastures. Without fear or failure, The Roar gave Patrick an opportunity to disgrace himself publicly without recourse. He took full advantage. A fine example was with his picks in the site’s Super Rugby tipping competition laid bare for all to see. Will his new employer grant him such leeway?

My more direct dealings with Paddy go back a few years when I was having a few technical problems logging into the site. I was desperate, I needed my daily fix, what could I do, all other sites were working?

I contacted Paddy. Well, I have to say he took my problems seriously, but could he resolve them?  The answer was no! But after consultation, he did put me onto one of the The Roar’s founders, (Zac Zavos) who assisted in resolving the ‘technical issues’ which really required extreme high knowledge of IT by booting the modem (like switching it off at the wall then back on).
Then more recently, I had the pleasure of enjoying a little luncheon engagement with a few Roarers prompted by a little wager with Machooka.

Paddy took us to a venue which had 39 steps vertically upwards to the toilets.

Considering I was on crutches at the time this proved to be quite the challenge to navigate while also part tanked.

“Oh Paddy!”

More seriously, Paddy, one has choices to make. You have made a choice which I am sure will prove to be right for you in the longer term. The Roar’s loss will be another’s gain. Good luck in your future endeavours and pursuit, thanks for everything, you will be missed… Well for the next few weeks anyway.”

Loved the tipping jibe there Mr Tragic, ouch indeed.

Now it’s time for potentially the GOAT of live blogging, a staunch New South Welshman hiding in Queensland and another lover of all things blue, Mr Will Sinclair has this to add –

“The e-mail arrived out of the clear blue sky. A note from none other than the editor of The Roar – Paddy Effeney – asking whether I’d be interested in getting involved in the live blogging of Super Rugby games.

I was stunned. Sure, I was on the website every day. And sure, most days I left multiple messages across multiple articles about multiple sports… and yes, maybe I was speaking to people I had never met more frequently than I was speaking to my wife, But yes! Absolutely I would love to get involved!

Of course, what I couldn’t have known – and what I think none of us really understood – was that Paddy was the owner of a truly magnificent beard. If I had known this at the time, would I have even answered this message? Probably not… that sort of facial hair is very intimidating. But the beard wasn’t really revealed to us until Paddy interviewed ARU boss Bill Pulver in a series of videos, and we finally got to see the man in all his glory. The interviews were great, and deserved a huge response, so I can only imagine how Paddy felt as dozens, then hundreds, of people posted comments about his facial hair rather than the interviews themselves.

Paddy’s contribution to the site has been immense – not just in embracing new technologies, and in expanding the offerings – but in his understanding that the real strength of The Roar, and the reason why we all keep coming back. Paddy helped to build this place, and we should all be very grateful.

Best of luck for the future!”

Very well said Will and on a side note, I hope you receive treatment for your pogonophobia soon; early diagnosis is the key – or something like that.

Moving on to a true legend of The Roar, everyone’s second favourite South African, the venerable Mr Harry Jones, whose prose makes even Spiro’s head spin.

“Hipsters are ironic. So ironic that they aren’t ironic. Paddy has perfected a new school of literature: Literal Irony.

His posts on The Roar are so succinct; like air.  He is never excited.  He is never not excited.

Sometimes, when you read his rugby posts, it is unclear if he has watched rugby.

Sometimes, it’s as if he invented rugby.

He is an Aussie, but a sort of post-Viking tea-sipping tramping Aussie with ironic literalism.

He likes to make Roarers upset, and then calm them down.

He knows everyone but does anyone know him?

Once he told me he had been intimate with more than a thousand women.  I wondered if he was trying to say he had never been intimate at all.

He is the ultimate prophet of cool, of uncool and what’s next.  He is a Queenslander at heart.  He has a small heart.

He has sharpened all our minds, by narrowing our brains.”

I have no idea what any of that means but it has a feel of greatness about it, thank you Harry.

And last and least, the serial seagull disguised as a chicken of The Roar, Mr Machooka, has been granted the final say on ‘Effin’ Effeney considering he hatched this marvellous idea. Off you go, Chook.

“Folks when I first heard about our hipster dude (managing) editor was leaving, I was immediately struck by the thought.

“Balls! Bugger! Like damn. Like, like effin’ double damn. Like surely this can’t be right?!?” But it was. Sadly it was.

So having been asked to, and also to continue on with the ‘balls’ theme, I’m now taking this opportunity here to say thanks to Patrick for giving me the balls to do what I’m doing now, but I can’t.

I’d also like to thank him for the tireless help and encouragement he’s given me over the years in graduating to becoming a ‘Guru’, but I won’t.

I won’t because I hate him! I hate HIM!!

Yeah, OK, keep your knickers on people as I know hate is a strong word, but the bastard is leaving us. Yeah? He’s leaving all of us Roarers. More importantly, he’s leaving me. Me!

Alright, I don’t reeeeally hate him, how could I? When I first met him he bestowed a special gift upon me. It was a golf ball sans box. A shiny white ball emblazoned in red with the name Roar.

That’s the kinda guy he really is, one that’s happy to share one of his ‘balls’ with you.

Hence you may now understand why I can’t say ‘balls’ as so much as ‘ball’. Nevertheless, it’s better to have had one ‘ball’ rather than none at all.

Patrick, in all seriousness, it takes balls to do what you’re doing now as this wouldn’t have been an easy decision for you.

Go well buddy. You da the man. You were the man at The Roar, and I’m confident you will become an even better man in accepting this new challenge.

The Roar’s significant loss is much to your new employer’s gain.

As always dude, golf anytime soon would be good.”

Touching rant there Chook, excellent stuff.

And that, good people, brings us to the end of what I believe is the first and obviously finest effort made of a roast on this website.

Paddy, best of luck mate and while no one will miss your beer suggestions, The Roar community will certainly miss your enormous contribution to our site.

Cheers mate!