Blues smash Queensland like Queensland used to smash them

New South Wales have gleefully pantsed Queensland to take a 1-0 State of Origin lead, in the process extending their oppressive reign of terror over the hapless defending champions to two consecutive matches.

The 28-4 clattering at Suncorp Stadium was a triumph against all odds for the Blues as they overcame the loss of Mitchell Pearce and the emotion surrounding Cameron Smith’s milestone of refereeing in his 40th Origin.

The win was powered by a turbo-charged display from James Tedesco and the unstoppable thighs of Andrew Fifita, who finally pocketed official man of the match honours after managing to remain legal in recent times.

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It was an exceptional shift of Maroons torture from Cronulla’s nimble beast that will make him the ninth Immortal, or at the very least, the most tattooed knight in the Queen’s realm.

The visitors savagely dominated from the outset, so much so that, in hindsight, Queensland probably should’ve stayed home like a large chunk of their terrified fans.

Besides a softening-up period that was as desperately frenetic as promoters flogging off unsold tickets yesterday afternoon – seats still available starting from $87 – the Maroons were made to make Tiger Woods look sharp.

On the other hand, Laurie Daley’s troops appeared storeroom fresh after a preparation restricted to five-minute training sessions and no Bozo Fulton.

The Blues opened the scoring in the sixth minute through laconic everyman James Maloney after he benefited from the vigorous carrying of a dangerously randy Fifita.

After receiving the ball from Pearce, the Sharks prop shrugged off a piece of deadwood that uncannily resembled Nate Myles to release the five-eighth under the sticks.

The Maroons hit back with a try to Corey Oates, which probably really isn’t worth touching on. Thankfully, the delicious domination resumed with a thrilling four-pointer to Pearce on the stroke of half-time.

In doing so, the Blues created their own piece of Maroons-style history by rolling the dice on the fifth tackle to score at a crucial moment before the break to deflate their opponents. And for authenticity, in a live rubber.

With a 12-4 lead, New South Wales came out of the sheds in the second half all guns blazing.

In fact, the final 40 minutes was all the Blues, except for one bright period for the Maroons where they camped inside opposition territory for almost two full sets.

Smartly led by Boyd Cordner refraining from hitting-up on the first, second and fifth tackles, the Blues forwards punctured the aged Maroons pack like a rapid needle embroidering Blues jerseys with “Origin Champions 2017”.

One of the best was the tireless Nathan Peats, who was unable to be benched when the Telstra Tracker recorded him having sprinted as far as Siberia.

Despite losing Pearce to a Will Chambers high tackle – which should only cost the centre 18-20 weeks with an early guilty plea – the tired Maroons eventually succumbed like so many New South Wales sides before them.

In the 50th minute, Tedesco beat half of Brisbane’s population on his own before dotting down to extend the Blues to a ‘please don’t stuff this up’ lead of 18-4.

Once Fifita followed this up with a try from a Justin O’Neill fumble to stretch the gap to 20, the match descended into what can only be described as an orgy of highlights for the Blues. Much like the decade previously inflicted upon them.

This included a superhuman try-saver from Tedesco, a glorious bombed touchdown from Aiden Guerra, and the pièce de résistance, Fatty Vautin turning on Queensland in commentary which had Blues fans floridly kissing their fingers like an Italian chef.

Jarryd Hayne then completed the rout with a try down the left side – one of two awful sides for the Maroons on the night – slicing through a number of witches hats to complete a highly arousing 28-4 victory.

At this point, I lit up a much needed cigarette.

Heading in to Origin 2, Daley now holds the key. That is, give the bloody thing to Fifita at all times and keep training the team like you are boiling an egg.

On the other side, Kevin Walters may decide that if he values loyalty, it might be time to buy a labrador.