An AFL fan's guide to that soccer tournament in Russia

As a devotee of Australia’s indigenous game, which is coincidentally the only game that truly matters, there are only two things you know about soccer.

1. It definitely is called soccer, not football; and 2. The main object of the sport is to react to the presence of another human being within a radius of three metres by falling stricken to the ground and writhing like a harpooned dugong for several minutes.

As such, this upcoming soccer tournament will probably be a source of confusion and annoyance to you.

But there is no need to scratch your head: with a few helpful facts, even soccer can be understood.

The first thing to understand about this tournament is that it involves 32 countries. This is going to be a little disorienting, I know – a sport that is played in more than one country is one of those wacky ideas that takes some getting used to. But there’s no need to feel befuddled by soccer’s bizarre insistence on spreading itself so thin: you can simply think of the competing nations like AFL clubs.

For example, Brazil is Collingwood: proud history, fanatically obsessive supporters, and a deep sense of satisfaction for everyone else when they get beaten. They even have their own version of the Colliwobbles, in the 1950 final.

Germany is Richmond: they won last time but many people still aren’t fans given their past performances.

France is Carlton: haven’t won anything since the Nineties, but still inexplicably arrogant.

And, of course, Uruguay is Melbourne: nothing to cheer about for over half a century, but the whole thing started with them so they feel entitled to a bit of respect for that if nothing else.

So where does that leave Australia, you may ask? Well, Australia naturally plays the part of whatever team you personally happen to support, in that its players are the best, its fans are the nicest, and when it loses it will be the referee’s fault.

Of course, there are 32 teams and only 18 AFL clubs. So I guess you can think of the extra 14 as the VFL. Panama is probably Werribee and Costa Rica must be Box Hill.

But what of the game itself? When watching soccer, AFL fans might struggle with some of the more obvious differences between the two codes. For example, in soccer, a player is only allowed to handle the ball if he is the goalkeeper or Diego Maradona.

There are other differences too.

You know how in footy, the rules committee keeps trying to kill the bump? In soccer it’s been completely dead for years: you’re basically not allowed to bump anyone. You’re not allowed to tackle at all, in fact, but be warned – there will be times when a commentator will refer to a player “tackling” another player. This doesn’t mean a tackle has actually occurred: a soccer “tackle” is actually just when a player is kicking the ball and another player tries to kick the ball away from him.

As there is no handling of the ball, there is also no marking in soccer, and this means that naturally there are no speccies.

In fact the soccer rules go further: you are not allowed to leap onto an opponent’s back for any reason. Strict? Certainly, but it’s by the strictness of its rules that soccer has become the most popular sport in the world (not the best, we all know that, but certainly the most popular, especially among people who don’t have the Fox Footy channel).

For example, in soccer an infraction in the penalty area results in a penalty shot, which is like getting a free kick at the top of the goal square, but even more valuable because of how hard it is to kick goals in soccer.

That’s something you’ll need to get used to, by the way: low scoring. You might’ve thought it was a low scoring game the day the Bulldogs beat the Kangaroos 6.7 to 5.4, but in Russia, you’ll see that soccer has taken this to a whole new level. Some games go by without any goals being kicked at all, as if it were a Brisbane Lions intra-club practice match.

But that won’t matter, because soccer is, as they say, “the beautiful game.”

It’s not in the piling up of goals that the beauty of the game is to be found, but in the poetic rhythms of the game, the elegance of thrust and parry, attack and counter-attack, sweeping ball movement.

Most of all the beauty of soccer resides in the spectacular skills of its players, who manage to do such wonderful things with just one ball and two feet they may as well be magicians.

In Russia you will see many of these magicians at work, such as Lionel Messi, AKA “the Atomic Flea.” Despite this nickname, Messi has relatively little in common with Dale Weightman, but resembles more closely Gary Ablett Jr in his ability to weave mesmerically through traffic and bewitch opponents with his agility.

Messi also resembles Ablett in that he once announced his retirement from international soccer, but then returned, just like Ablett once went to play for the Gold Coast, but then came back to play for a football team instead.

(Photo by Mark Dadswell/Getty Images)

Messi’s greatest rival is Cristiano Ronaldo, the Buddy Franklin of soccer. This tall, extravagantly talented heartthrob rubs a lot of people up the wrong way with his cocky strut and array of audacious tricks, but like Buddy, you cannot deny his brilliance when at his theatrical best. Ronaldo once said, “People are jealous of me as I am young, handsome and rich”, and although Buddy never actually said this, he probably thinks it quite a lot.

Australia’s greatest soccer star is, of course, Tim Cahill, who many have compared to Dustin Fletcher, in that he is still playing well into his fifties; to Nick Riewoldt, in that he spent years carrying a mediocre team on his back; and to Phil Carman, in that he does his best work with his head.

Key for the AFL fan when watching the soccer is recognising those things that unite the two codes. After all, both sports have officials who are wrong about almost everything.

Both sports have staging for frees.

Both sports have goals scored by acrobatic means and by thumping long-range belters.

Both sports possess that fascinating chess game of two teams maneuvering each other around the field in the search for open space.

Both sports have tension and drama and edge-of-the-seat excitement as well as some games that are as thrilling as watching paint that has already dried. And both sports have knee injuries.

Isn’t what unites us more important than what divides us? Soccer has the ability to enrich the AFL fan’s life by showing him a parallel universe that is football, but not as they know it.

It’s sporting Star Trek.

It’s the final frontier, the event that brings the world together in a magnificent celebration of sport, humanity and international rivalry.

Maybe the most compelling reason for an AFL fan to spend a month staying up all night, every night, to follow the twists and turns of the beautiful game is that this is our country on the world stage.

AFL lovers already know that Australia has the best sport in the world: here is another front for us to beat the globe at.

You can’t love Aussie Rules without loving Aussies, and there’ll be a feisty band of Aussies in Russia, fighting for our honour. We owe it to them to glue ourselves to our TVs and not tear ourselves away until the last whistle.

You won’t want to miss any of the memorable footballing moments in Russia this year. Catch all the action in the best way possible by coming together with your friends and family and watching it on an epic big screen Samsung QLED TV, so explore the big screen range now.

Haven’t seen your friends lately? Send them a personal message from Tim Cahill with TIMVITE and get ready to watch the big games.