Today, Wallabies coach Michael Cheika will meet with Rugby Australia executives for what is a well-publicised and highly anticipated review.
This coincides with the final Rugby Australia board meeting for 2018.
The outcome, and the extent to which these meetings are interlinked, will be revealed later. In the meantime, ‘The Wrap’ has dusted off its crystal ball to provide its own forecast of events.
Raelene Castle (RC): Michael, lovely to see you again. Come on in and make yourself comfortable.
Michael Cheika (MC): Sure. But just letting you know before we start, as is my right, I’ve bought along an advocate.
RC: That’s a bit defensive isn’t it? What makes you think that your job is at risk?
MC: Maybe the text I got from Jake checking the size of my office?
RC: But Michael, that’s not an advocate, that’s a toy golden cat. With a silly wave.
MC: You’ve got your high-performance unit, I’ve got my cat. I think we’re square.
RC: Michael, a few weeks back I stuck my neck out in public and backed your plan. But do you know what the press are asking me now? They want me to explain what that plan is.
MC: And…?
RC: Either I’m honest and tell them I have no frigging idea, or you explain it to me now.
MC: It’s actually quite simple. From a defensive line-out, on the left side of the field, Nard defends at fullback, unless he’s playing at 12, in which case he slots in on the blind wing, Sefa is up in the front line, usually outside Samu, or else Marika covers that, unless it’s Izzy on the wing, in which case the sauce brother has a roaming commission on the open side, and if Maddocks is on the bench, Kurtley drops back to fullback, but that’s only until Hodgey returns. Toomua, part of his deal to come back was that he defends in the front line, which means that Hoops comes in one from the winger’s channel, once it’s gone beyond first phase.
(Photo by Dan Mullan/Getty Images)
RC: Right…
MC: From a scrum, we mix it up a bit, just to keep the opposition guessing.
RC: Right…what about Banks, where does he fit in?
Cheika looks puzzled.
RC: Tom Banks.
MC: Sorry? Who does he play for?
RC: The Brumbies. On the wing.
MC: Brumbies? Oh, you mean the guy with the high, frizzy hair?
RC: No, that’s Henry Speight.
MC (still puzzled): Oh. Have you got a photo?
RC: Let’s move on to the tour. Where were the three wins?
MC: Ah, nice try Raelene. That’s your benchmark, not mine. I never said we’d get three wins. Do you think I’m stupid or something?
Cameron Clyne (CC) peers over the top of the ‘Luxury Super-Yacht Monthly’ magazine he’s reading.
CC: I’d rather Raelene didn’t answer that for now, if that’s okay.
RC: So what did we learn from the tour. What about the loss to Wales?
MC: We’ve got a rat in the ranks. Leigh Halfpenny knew exactly where Kurtley was kicking the ball. Every damn time!
(Photo by Hannah Peters/Getty Images)
RC: And Italy?
MC: Taniela Tupou is a beast. We’ve got a great prospect there.
RC: What about England?
MC: Tupou’s not such a beast.
RC: But you didn’t pick him, how can he be a beast sitting in the stands?
MC: Exactly. People who say I don’t own up to mistakes have no idea what they’re talking about.
RC: Actually, speaking of which, did you bring that cheque? To refund the $50k we burned buying out Pete Samu’s contract?
MC (hands cheque over): Sorry about that. Nice guy, but he’s no Ned.
RC: The win-loss stats don’t read very well for you, do they, Michael?
MC: Why are you trying to pin that on me? What about the unfair schedule? Who in their right mind would make us play New Zealand, South Africa, Argentina, Ireland, England and Wales in the one year?
RC: But that’s the game, Michael. That’s who else plays.
MC: That’s not everybody. Lithuania has got a good lineout, but I reckon we’d give them a shake.
RC: What about Fiji? Can you guarantee that we’ll beat them in the World Cup?
MC (laughs): There you go again, setting me up to fail. They were wallowing down in tier two until you bright sparks let them into the NRC. Now look at them. Whose side are you on, admitting new teams and letting them succeed? You could learn a lot from the Shute Shield, you know.
RC: Michael, let’s consider the fanbase. It seems as though rugby supporters everywhere have lost faith in you.
MC: Not true. Here have a look, just this morning I’ve received texts wishing me well, from Ned, Adam two-dads, his sister-in-law, Ned, Baldy from the Gold Coast, another one from Ned, and one from your mate, the Parrot. All the way with ABJ!
RC (checks the phone): Oh look, there’s one here from Kurtley.
CC (suddenly sparks to life): Whatever you do, don’t open that!
RC: Michael, I need you to look me in the eye and tell me, honestly, are you still the right man to lead us through next year and win the World Cup?
MC: As honest as Israel Folau didn’t pull Dilyn Leyds’ hair, yes I am.
RC: And do you promise to be a better selector?
MC: There are a couple more new, young hookers I’d like to try out, but yes.
RC: And Quade?
MC: Jeez, you really want your pound of flesh don’t you?
RC: In that case, I’m going to recommend to the board that we…
Castle stops mid-sentence as, suddenly, the room plunges into darkness.
CC: Raelene, I thought I told you to pay the power bill?
RC: Yes, but Hoops cashed his contract cheque, so we’re short.
MC: Is that anything I can help with?
RC: No thanks Michael, you’ve done more than enough already!
Fox
Roar Guru
Hi Geoff I think they have no intention of dropping Cheika and are playing a game. I mean seriously, how many coaches with his record and especially this year - get to submit dozens of data from fellow coaches and opinions of players prejudiced by their personal relationship with him and other coaches - unless it is bad in there as well - just before Xmas before they tell anyone? How convenient . They are playing a tactical game - they will tell everyone Cheiks still has his job knowing there could be a very public backlash - they won't sack Larkham either - The fall guys will be Nathan Grey and maybe someone else. They will be relying and Xmas and the Christmas break for everyone to forget about for awhile and be in good cheer and the New Year will come. It is a gutless regime with even Castle avoiding the spotlight. These are all signs Cheika ain't going anywhere and not that they are looking for a replacement IMO
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
In the context of 2019, it's probably not. Reviewing the Annual Reports for the NZRU and RA in 2015. What you'll see is a huge drop in revenue and loss posted due to the RWC year and lack of TV product. RA have to budget to lose $10M in 2019.
MaxW
Guest
"That’s money RA doesn’t really have and so their preference for MC to see out the term of his contract is understandable." Is RA's financial situation overblown? The way they act and what they do doesn't suggest so at all. Has the financial troubles being overblown deliberately so that RA have leverage for sponsorship, an excuse for poor results and to have an excuse for this exact behaviour (i.e. as an excuse not to do something that people want - e.g. get rid of MC)?
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
Sounds like Jake White wasn't able to make them an offer they couldn't refuse.
Buk
Guest
Cheap - costs us nothing to read. Interesting, well written (& I'll substitute a typo t for n, 'tasty') - invariably.
Buk
Guest
Classic comment AC. Had me laughing. Riposte from Geoff also very good.
jack
Roar Rookie
all too true crash ball2
Geoff Parkes
Expert
Yes Cole, not a lot of laughs to be had from that 'media update' was there? If you are going to say nothing - and to extend the benefit of the doubt, let's assume that there's a valid reason for that - far better not to call the press in and tell them nothing. They should have just issued a simple statement via email and left it at that.
Geoff Parkes
Expert
Seems like you hoped in vain TWAS....
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
Gloria, this article isn’t nasty. Write a piece about ‘Australia’s best 10’ or 7 or 6. Then you’ll see nasty. I am disappointed that you have made such an absolute statement without offering reasoning. I am unaware of your stance on the WB coaching issue. Perhaps you could explain why you think the piece was nasty?
Die hard
Roar Rookie
You might like to YouTube Clarke and Dawe Gloria then read it again as they would read a script Its actually really well worked and very funny. And light-heartedness is headed round here nowadays
Muzzo
Roar Rookie
Yep Geoff I do enjoy that part of our game, & even with our national injury woes ATM, no doubt those in the extended squad, with names like Jones & Clark, just might be running on shortly. That in itself will be a big buzz for their fathers. . Cheers.
Cole
Roar Rookie
Great article Geoff. Unfortunately I have only gotten around to reading it pretty late in the day and therefore already know how it really ends... Clyne's post board meeting comments were laughable, but not nearly as funny as this article.
Crash Ball2
Guest
Think you might be focusing upon the least poignant segment of this comment TWAS. I'm happy to defer to your knowledge of the typical properties of decomposing gill-bearing aquatic craniate beasts. But my central theme is that RA is unlike your standard, run-of-the-mill national sporting administration. So if, for example, you chose to think of RA as the equivalent of a newly discovered Lily-Livered, Yellow (Gold) Coloured Clown Fish most at home in Eastern Sydney-located chrome and wood panelled coffee shop tropical fish tanks, whose unusual concentration of several hundred thousand strands of aggressive bacteria flora in the otherwise unaccompanied space usually reserved for the fish's brain, outstrips the meagre comparative concentration of bacteria located in said fish's gut and therefore speeds decomposition of the deceased animal's carcass from the cranial region, we're probably on the same page. Or, you could forget about that bit and just concentrate on all the other stuff.
Nicholas Bishop
Expert
Very funny Geoff - and prob too close to the bone for comfort!
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
Well played, Chook. And brilliant essay (Report?) to begin with Geoff. I found myself amused in a refreshing kind of way. Wish you had written this 2 years ago, when the emperor first dropped his gear. At least then we might’ve had twenty four months of enjoyable banter to salve the pain of losses sans defence, sans attack, sans depth, etc etc. But better late than never. And slightly off topic, but further good news (to me at least) - we have an alternate song to sing before test matches. It is worth a listen and watch. https://www.facebook.com/100008840142608/posts/1964149170556402/
Cadfael
Roar Guru
Same old, same old.
Geoff Parkes
Expert
No, please... one parrot is more than enough!!
Geoff Parkes
Expert
Cheers Fionn. All good.
RobC
Roar Guru
...or maybe not!