Revealed: The (not so real) emails between Shane Flanagan and Cronulla

The emails documenting illegal contact between Shane Flanagan and Cronulla have been revealed. We think. Not only could they potentially prove a breach of NRL sanctions, they cast further doubt on boomers and their ability to grasp internet culture.

As reported this week, Flanagan and the Sharks are under investigation following allegations both made contact in 2014, despite being barred from the Sutherland-based club for one standard premiership-free season.

Flanagan’s sanction was for his role in the peptides program, with the NRL deciding the best punishment was to force the errant coach to stay home and chill for 12 months while Cronulla fought a storm of poop.

The explosive emails document a rambling conversation between the pair, with forensic experts able to place them at the time of the ban after a thorough examination involving a quick glance at the date in the corner.

Head coach Shane Flanagan of the Sharks (Photo by Hannah Peters/Getty Images)

While many argue these written approaches from the premiership coach barely constitute ‘contact’ or even ‘words’ under the laws of English language, the evidence would seemingly be sufficient to prove he is guilty, and deeply desperate for human company.

From: Shane Flanagan
To: Cronulla Sharks
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: Footy

Hey Guys,

Just checking in for any updates on 2015. Do I need to arrange anything in the way of recruitment, strategy etc? New supply of creatine perhaps? Jks haha. Anyway, give me a call whenever suits. I’ve got plenty of time on my hands. Also feel kinda guilty about you guys paying me to eat Jatz and play online poker all day. LOL.

Coach Shane

From: Cronulla Sharks
To: Shane Flanagan
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: Footy

Dear Shane,

We appreciate your offer of support. However please be reminded of the terms of your current ban. You are forbidden from making any direct or indirect contact with the club for 12 months. Please refrain from any further approaches.

We look forward to recommencing our partnership in 2015.

The Sharks

From: Shane Flanagan
To: Cronulla Sharks
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: RE: Footy

Stop buggin, there’s no way the NRL will ever catch us! It’s not like we’re illegally rorting the salary cap or anything. Anyway, I’ll just tell them I was emailing about watching my son play again. I’m sure lower-grade fixtures can be viewed live through email, so they’ll never know the difference.

Now let’s talk plans for 2015, I’ve got a new run-around play I want to show you guys. Actually, it’s more just a funny GIF.

Shane

Paul Gallen and the Sharks. (AAP Image/Michael Chambers)

From: Cronulla Sharks
To: Shane Flanagan
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Footy

Dear Shane,

We refer you to our previous email. If we are caught making contact during your ban, the club will be fined a further $400,000. The NRL has serious investigative powers and can seize our email servers. Please cease contact and delete all traces of this conversation.

The Sharks

From: Shane Flanagan
To: Cronulla Sharks
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Footy

Seriously dudes, there is no way the NRL will know this is me. It could be any Shane Flanagan from Cronulla. I don’t know if you’ve been to the Taren Point Hotel lately, but its full of Flannos. This is totally safe.

Now let’s illegally talk footy together, because I’m so bored I nearly had to speak to my kids today.

From: Cronulla Sharks
To: Shane Flanagan
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Footy

Shane,

The NRL can trace this back to your IP address. It is a routine form of cyber investigation with a notorious rate of success. Please cease all contact immediately, including the daily phone calls and the planes you’re hiring to sky-write messages over Sydney to Andrew Fifita. We would hate your actions to force us in to further punishments, like another fine or hiring Trent Barrett.

From: Shane Flanagan
To: Cronulla Sharks
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Footy

Who cares about a fine? We just signed a property development deal, and Gal is about to retire. We could literally afford the fines for two more moronic scandals, if I felt such a boneheaded inclination.

So where should we meet for coffee? I know a great place in the centre of George Street, right near the offices of the Daily Telegraph.

From: Cronulla Sharks
To: Shane Flanagan
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Footy

You are writing these emails from your club-issued address which is ShaneFlanaganBannedCoach@CronullaSharks.com. The least you could’ve done is contacted from a fake G-Mail account or texted from a burner. And don’t even get us started on the offer to meet in person.

We shall speak at the conclusion of your ban, which by the looks of this, will now be in Perth.

From: Shane Flanagan
To: Cronulla Sharks
Date: 15/3/2014
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Footy

Ooh goody Perth! Are we going there to meet another one of those freelance chemists?

Editor’s note: Yes, this is a satirical article.