On 21 September 2018, 94,959 people turned up to the Melbourne Cricket Ground, expecting to see a game of Australian Rules Football. What they got, instead, was a masterpiece of trolling, a piece of performance art for the ages.
The Richmond Football Club had spent months setting up this connivance, convincing a large portion of its supporter base that another premiership was a formality.
The footy media gushed over this seemingly unstoppable football machine; some even dared mention a “threepeat.” But then, the dream fell apart.
Not only did the Tigers capitulate, they capitulated to Collingwood; not only did they capitulate to Collingwood, they lost the game in barely forty minutes – or did they?
Not content with letting their fans stew in their juices for an hour as the Magpies racked up a massive victory, Richmond contrived a sadistic twist: a second-half comeback, which saw the Tigers get within 21 points early in the final quarter.
For a few minutes, they taunted their fans with the worst thing you can give someone in a helpless situation: hope.
Now, you may be thinking I am writing this out of spite. On the contrary, I am writing this in a spirit of lightheartedness. All sporting failures are funny.
This not because this or that sportsman is vile, or unworthy in some way. It is because nothing that happens on a sporting field matters.
Some will argue that what happened that night represents an injustice. But if injustice reigns in things that actually matter, how could there be justice in a mere game of football?
Nathan Buckley has never won a premiership in twenty-two seasons as a player or coach, yet Nathan Broad had a premiership medallion after twelve games.
In the last week, the New England Patriots – the MAGA hat of NFL franchises – won another Super Bowl. You can have a Universe of Goodness and Light, or you can have Tom Brady, but you can’t have both.
Others might say that we can’t make fun of the defeated because of the existential anguish the players experience from losing a big game.
This seems strange to me, as I usually see footage of these players a day or two later, dressed as Paris Hilton and sinking schooners by the dozen.
Not all players process their grief this way, though. Some merely retreat to their multi-million-dollar homes, to cry in the arms of their model girlfriends.
When professional sport descends into farce, the proper response is to laugh. If the participants don’t care, why should you?
Yattuzzi
Roar Rookie
can’t believe you were not crucified for this. I know you care but had your tongue in cheek.
Peter the Scribe
Roar Guru
Not talking about gambling. The financial investments by all those who keep a club alive and the cost of your membership.
Raimond
Roar Guru
The fact that a lot of money was lost by those who backed the Tigers only adds to the hilarity. Unless those people were forced to wager at gunpoint, they only have themselves to blame. For those who over-invest themselves emotionally in their sportsball team, then that's their problem.
Cat
Roar Guru
I don't see how you can have any. If games are meaningless how can you get joy out of it? You can't. It is not possible. You have to have good and bad or you are just faking it.
Peter the Scribe
Roar Guru
Irrelevance to you and some, not to those invested in the result either financially or emotionally.
Peter the Scribe
Roar Guru
If the Blues don’t start winning soon it won’t be irrelevant as they will probably cease to exist. Part of the beauty of AFL is its 7 month theatrical push for the holy grail. It’s not a test series where you just head somewhere else. There’s one winner a year and it’s a long hard road with much drama along the way. You are treating it like a Game of Thrones series with these comments. That’s your right but it shows a scant regard for the status of the game.
Raimond
Roar Guru
I think you can get more enjoyment out of footy, in fact, if you treat it like a meaningless piece of entertainment. Richmond's choke is funny precisely because of its irrelevance.
Cat
Roar Guru
You can't have it both ways. You can't 'be over' losing in 5 seconds and celebrate winning for weeks or months. Sure, no one should have the black dog visit because of a loss but the highs can only be as good as the lows are bad. If losses mean nothing than conversely winning means nothing either. If that is true you are not actually a fan of the game, I'd suggest finding something that actually gives you some enjoyment.
Raimond
Roar Guru
Professional sport is entertainment. No-one should be that invested in it that their team losing causes anything more than a brief irritation. Everyone wants their team to win, but whether they do or not is irrelevant.
Cat
Roar Guru
Pox attitude. If you believe that 'losing doesn't matter' than you also must believe the inverse is true – winning doesn't matter. The next time your teams wins don't brag, don't be happy, don't feel good just shrug your shoulders and say it doesn't matter. Winning a flag should bring with it no joy because anything that happens on a sporting ground simply doesn't matter. I don't want players that don't care if they win or lose. I want players who do care and are bothered by losing. I want players who won't accept losing and will give everything they have to try to prevent it next time. Just because some players are having beers a few days later doesn't mean they don't care – ever heard the expression 'drowning their sorrows'? Matty Scarlett HATED doing media, so he made a deal with Bomber Thompson that he'd do media every time the club lost but only if he never had to do it when the club won. He helped ensure the club didn't lose very often his last few years. The worst part of clubs undergoing these '5 year rebuild plans' is its basically teaching players its OK to lose, that winning doesn't matter the next couple of years. Its why clubs at the bottom stay there for so long. Bad culture is synonymous with accepting losing.
Raimond
Roar Guru
The Eagles handled it, as did the Tigers the previous year. I'm tired of talking about it, to be honest.
Raimond
Roar Guru
These are reasonable points, Peter, but the point of the article is to point out the ridiculousness of caring too deeply about what happens on a sporting field. Richmond's PF debacle is funny, because it means nothing.
User
Roar Rookie
F#@kn hilarious and very true across all sports.
Slane
Guest
The bye is a convenient excuse but the Tigers endured the bye in 2017 and still managed to snag a flag.
Birdman
Roar Rookie
Fine piece of satirical writing Hairy, but I doubt Tiger fans will enjoy it as much as I did. That dumb pre-finals bye has a lot to answer for, yeah?
Slane
Guest
The loss definitely sucked but the season was fantastic so it was really hard to be too down. I'm sure fans of other teams might have a different perspective but I got to watch my team play their best season of footy within my lifetime. It's a shame it couldn't end with Grand Final glory, but I got to experience that the year before. Hard to be too dissapointed.
Peter the Scribe
Roar Guru
Love your work usually HFM but would suspect finding the preliminary final loss funny would not be the case for most Tiger fans, not if they're invested in the game as much as I am. As a Pies man I didn't find it funny at all. I didn't feel like gloating, rubbing their noses in it or patronising them. I was simply too happy to be in the Grand Final and that was my emotion. As for the Tigers, theyd played two games in 34 days and were caught flat. They have some quality blokes in their side and coaching and the idea that any of the players "didn't care" about the result is preposterous to my thinking. If we see them letting off steam afterwards, they are probably trying to move on and get the hurt out of their system a bit. I'd be astounded if any single one of them didn't care deeply and were not hurting like hell for something they train incredibly hard for and something that is scrutinised by all of us and the media to the extent of every contest all season. If I knew players didn't care about a finals loss I'd stop following the game.