Cash-strapped NRL "desperate” for off-field incidents they can heavily fine

The NRL will combat the financial threat of coronavirus with a new campaign encouraging players to maintain good health, hygiene and offensive online posts.

The strategy will be introduced with the game under grim economic forecasts, with chairman Peter V’landys already slashing unnecessary output across the board from overheads to the surplus ‘y’ on ‘rugba-leeege’.

Thankfully, after days of strategising, the NRL believes it has identified the game’s financial saviour lies in puerile player conduct.

This will see the administration issue an SOS to its premier rascals and deviates to dig deep for the cause and produce something atrocious that can attract huge fines for the game’s essential costs, like corner posts and Bunker snacks.

While player behaviour has been relatively tame following the summer epidemic of 2018-19, the NRL has always acknowledged the potential financial windfalls that lie within the game’s vile nest of caustic snake-ratbags.

It hopes triggering a tidal wave of this punishable behaviour could negate the need to access the game’s only cash reserve – the Wests Tigers’ war chest, which is currently under the control of the joint venture’s chief financial officer, Isaac Moses.

While plans are in their infancy, the league’s revenue-saving measure will see the integrity unit beefed-up with costly resources in the hope of saving money by finding incidents that will have sponsors leaving in droves.

This would also involve inducing misdemeanours by encouraging players to behave as normal, before calculating fines under the current protocol of inconsistent kneejerk decisions determined by social media outrage and Dean Ritchie.

Additionally, the NRL will implement a task force charged with recouping the unenforced fines of infringements past, with particular focus on recovering the compound inflation earned on the $50,000 charged to Paul Gallen for calling the NRL “c***s” online.

Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images

Players will be informed of their duty in coming days, with a missive sent by Snapchat to ensure maximum reach.

The targeted messaging will encourage players to stop wasting their time on low-level contrary conduct, and to instead concentrate on something meaningful like getting banned from the entire season, the casino or their postcode.

The strategy will also be underpinned by an amnesty period whereby players are guaranteed no threat of deregistration – just crippling, career-ending monetary penalties and unending, unshakeable shame.

This will be complemented by warnings to the marketable cleanskins who hold the game up in a positive light, with a carrot dangled to secure a legacy as the bloke who staved off coronavirus by backing their direct opponent for first try-scorer.

Under the looming threat of a suspended season, one NRL spokesperson has urged players to “spend spare time wisely”, suggesting they “go to Northies” and “resist arrest”.

He also pleaded to those self-isolating to “get creative by creating instructional videos on hygiene”, highlighting the example of the one Dylan Napa made with Kane Evans.

However, the spokesperson was at pains to issue a warning about such behaviour, encouraging players to check their front yards for any long-lens tabloid cameras and to move elsewhere if there isn’t one.

Despite the panic, the NRL has given assurances the game will survive the uncertain turmoil, but only provided players treat every day in lockdown like Australia Day.

The spokesperson declared that while rugby league is “built on spite and rivalry”, now is the time for everyone to unite and “find a way to blame this entire thing on David Gallop”.