When a footy player makes the headlines for the wrong reasons, a little voice inside my head says, “oh no, not again.”
A scuffle in a bar, footage of recreational drugs being used, another COVID breach – we shake our heads, shrug our shoulders, the player in question fronts the media with a scripted apology, and then we all seem to move on.
But when the incident involves a woman? That’s when I shudder the most. And then I watch for all the terrible reactions.
There are usually two types of responses. You have the first group that pigeonhole the entire sport saying, “What did you expect? All NRL players are the same! Sexist, cheating, sleazy womanisers!”
And then we have another group, filled with fans of the player or the team he plays for or are just lovers of the game, who say, “But he is such a good player! He’s so funny in interviews! He seems like such a good guy! There must be more to the story. I bet she asked for it. I’m sure she deserved it.”
Both reactions are so very wrong.
The first one incorrectly stereotypes. You cannot paint everyone who runs out onto the field with the same brush. The majority are decent men who love their families, do a lot for charity and their community, and respect women.
It doesn’t help the sport grow either. We want more fans in the stands, more memberships for the clubs, but most importantly we want parents to be comfortable to sign their sons and daughters up to play the greatest game of all. Saying all players are bad people is unfair and damaging.
The second reaction though is worse. Turning a blind eye to an incident or refusing to believe it’s true because we are a fan of the player is just so harmful.
We all know ‘a nice guy’ that has done something wrong. Because of who he is – or who we thought he was – we don’t want to believe the claims.
When a player is accused of hurting or disrespecting a woman, the excuses and justifications from fans of why it was OK, why it was obviously her fault or why there was no way it could have happened are disgusting.
And many believe that for every incident we do hear about, there are so many more that we don’t, which are dealt with in boardrooms with chequebooks.
Earlier this year, Api Koroisau cheated on his wife, sneaking a woman into the NSW State of Origin camp. Tyrone May was found guilty of recording and sharing a video of he and a woman having sex without her knowledge.
Apisai Koroisau (Photo by Mark Kolbe/Getty Images)
Both were cheered on like heroes by their supporters during Penrith’s grand final win, and ironically wore the Panthers’ pink ‘Women in League’ jersey throughout the season.
After the grand final, May put a post on Instagram, trying to make out that he had overcome what others had said about him.
“And the dirt that they threw on my name/turned to soil and I grew up out it/time for y’all to figure out what y’all gon’ do about it”.
The post, which received love and support from his fellow Panthers, was highly criticised and May took it down. All the while, his victim sees a physiologist, suffers from panic attacks and is paranoid to walk around Penrith in case she is recognised from the video.
So, you know, they have both suffered.
This past weekend, Phoebe Burgess went on the record with The Australian about her tumultuous marriage to NRL superstar Sam Burgess.
From accounts of infidelity by her husband, as well as drug and alcohol-fuelled episodes, one that led to a physical altercation.
Phoebe was twice tested for STIs during her second pregnancy after Sam admitted to having unprotected sex with other women.
She also went on to explain how much gets covered up by the clubs, and how they would twist the story to make the player look like the victim.
“This kind of manipulation is what stops other women coming forward when they feel they’ve been violated. What chance does one woman have against a PR machine?”
But despite everything that she went through, Phoebe is not acting out to get back at her ex. She is trying to show the other side of the rugby league world, show how much the NRL covers up, and hopefully that this can change.
“I want to challenge some very powerful people to look at their own behaviour, to look at the way they handled the situation, the role they played in all of this,” she said. “Silence is the refuge of abusers, the refuge of perpetrators. It gives them the perfect cover.”
Sam was recently on the reality show SAS Australia and confessed through tears about his past. “I’ve lost my career, my kids and marriage… there was a police investigation into me. Turned to drinking, drugs. I’ve lost it all… I wasn’t the greatest husband… I embarrassed my wife.”
People felt sorry for him. Said he was brave to admit what he had done. Wanted to believe he really wants to do better.
After Phoebe shared her side, this is some of the public reaction on Twitter …
“If she wasn’t married to Sam, she’d be a nobody.”
“A generation that doesn’t accept personal responsibility, it’s always someone else’s fault.”
“Negative Nancy should be her name. So she isn’t in the spotlight, has to have her five seconds of fame.”
“She knew what she was getting into with rugby (league) players, she knew, now it goes wrong and wants to play dumb. Sorry.”
“You were a nobody before Sam and you should be a nobody now. WAGS are the worst of the lot.”
“This is the new norm, everything is a boys club when things don’t go your way – any chance you actually take some responsibility?”
Just, wow.
I know that not all women are innocent, just like not all footy players are bad. Josh Reynolds’ ex-partner Arabella Del Busso faked three pregnancies because their relationship was on its last legs, and she didn’t want him to leave her.
But unfortunately, it seems that there are more incidents where the man is the offender. And in the case of NRL players, they seem to be a protected species. And the clubs and fans enable this.
This is not an “I am woman hear me roar” piece. That’s not who I am. I absolutely love rugby league.
There is so much good that comes from the game and so many great men involved with it. I have grown up around it my whole life, it is in my DNA, and all I have ever wanted to do is spend my days writing about it.
But I know it’s not perfect, and we have a long way to go to even get close to perfect, especially when it comes to women.
We need to stop allowing sports stars to think they are above everyone else. That what they do on the field is enough to excuse how they act off it.
When we put footy players on a pedestal and give them unconditional support, we grant them a golden ticket to behave however they want.
When we turn a blind eye to a player’s actions because he wears our teams’ colours, it stops victims from feeling they will be believed.
When an incident gets swept under the rug by those in business suits, and a woman is offered hush money, the players will always feel protected.
When a woman is made to feel that it was her fault and she shouldn’t have expected much from a footy star, players will continue to do the wrong thing.
Supporters – please do better.
Players – please do better.
The NRL – please do better.
mushi
Roar Guru
So in your view there are currently 80-100 great nrl ceo talents involved in the game?
mushi
Roar Guru
And yet your statement was she put back the concept of board diversity years. Ergo you're defining her failure as the result of gender. But now you're trying to walk away from it and do a little cover up jig. You're intent was clear and there was no irony.
mushi
Roar Guru
So you have no clue about what a board does. No clue they are different roles. Yet you have a strident opinion that women can’t do it because of your views regarding one person’s performance in a different role. You just wanted to swing the women can’t do it axe and didn’t care about the tree. As to RCs CV warranting consideration for a board seat, sure. The board is there for governance, oversight and direction. A balance of views and experiences is vital which is why diversity should be valued. The worst thing you could have is carbon copies of the successful club CEO.
Dandragon
Roar Rookie
Mark - spot on. And yet we have an example right here of GB posting slanderous gossip - apparently originating from a South’s supporter making it both truthful & reliable - about the perceived reputation of the 20 yr old hospitalised woman complainant in the Coffs affair. It would appear that the message isn’t getting through to the managers of these platforms of wide communications.
Dandragon
Roar Rookie
Mushi, he’s still confused by your use of “loquacious”, although he did find it was used in a cartoon and is still TRYING to make sense of it. I’m hoping he googles “misogyny” & similarly finds it explained in another children’s resource…with a little less confusion.
Dandragon
Roar Rookie
Eelsalmighty – This reiterated nasty gossip is both beneath you and well beyond “ruffling feathers”: “…the young lady in question was well known to locals and the authorities. She had a history of problem behaviour that was not reflective of her family’s upbringing. She was knocking on doors at 4am in the morning.” Believable stuff, apparently. Conveniently ignoring that she was hospitalised post the event. Call it out for what it is.
London Panther
Roar Rookie
Thanks Danielle; a good read. Some important topics in there; some I agree with your position wholeheartedly, and others I disagree with. The key point I disagree with is around putting players on pedestals. Hard to say to not put them on pedestals, but at the same time expect to hold them to a higher standard of behaviour than others in society. But I get you main point around this; that they shouldn’t be put into a position to think that they can get away with rubbish towards women (or more broadly) because they are league players.
Heyou
Roar Rookie
Thank you for your article which has given birth to a valuable discussion for the most part, with many salient points being made. Not much left for me to say really (although that’s never stopped me) I like your final statements… to paraphrase: “Supporters…do better. Players… do better. NRL… do better.” I would add - Clubs… do better. No ‘please’ about it. The culture of the great game must change from the grassroots onwards and upwards. There are many women who love this game, know this game, have this game imprinted within from birth. It’s been that way for a long time. Respect between the genders can be nurtured, starting from the first time a child laces up their footy boots and runs onto the field of dreams. The trainers, coaches, mums, dads, grandparents, footy heroes, clubs and the like, have that responsibility. It’s not much use shutting the gate once the horse has already bolted. Get ‘em while they’re young and nurture acceptable behaviour. If it’s left too late it will be too late.
Eelsalmighty
Roar Rookie
Yeah, but it's also possible to "ruffle a few feathers", get a point or 2 across when necessary/desired, and keep the same tag (ones identity) indefinitely.
London Panther
Roar Rookie
I’m not a fan of May for what he is done, but have you actually met the man? In fact, has anyone on here actually met the guy and can really talk to his character, what this post meant and how remorseful he is about this incident? Ivan works with him on a daily basis and knows his character better than most. If he has any say in who his daughter dates (as an aside, funny that in a story about not objectifying or being violent towards women, you made a comment (and 6 people liked it) where a man seemingly decides who his adult daughter dates) maybe he is in a better position than us on this forum to decide how much respect May will afford her. But as I have said in other forums, I don’t want Api or May at Penrith as I think what they did (initially, not the tribal outrage of this recent post for May) is not consistent with what I want from my team. Who’s someone’s daughter dates is really none of my business.
Eelsalmighty
Roar Rookie
Nah, never boring. But I've got to keep you on your toes. P.S, I've got to pick on you a bit more than most until I get to know some of the other players here. You know my MO.
Glory Bound
Roar Rookie
"What they do behind closed doors is their business. May’s crime was filming and distributing it." So what was Napa's crime? Yet he was vilified and persecuted all the same. Not least of all on forums such as these. See my point?
Glory Bound
Roar Rookie
See my question (above) to mushi... "If Castle couldn’t cut it as a CEO do you think she would have done a better job on the Bulldogs board?"
Glory Bound
Roar Rookie
That’s not the first time you have accused me of being redundant in my comments mate. Redundant, I can live with. Predictable, perhaps. But boring? Never! :laughing:
Eelsalmighty
Roar Rookie
P.S, GB I'm not sure you needed to state both "4am" and "in the morning".
Eelsalmighty
Roar Rookie
GB, I agree (poet and didn't know it), with your overall perspective (I think). If/when you make players 'too accountable', and by that they are automatically guilty until proven innocent, then they (the players) can become genuine victims. On the flip side, it can't/shouldn't be tolerated, especially amongst high profile (in many cases idealised) people in the community. Another perspective, and not necessarily in domestic violence situations is, 'when has a person/player paid enough'? One of my all time favourite NRL players is Manu Ma'u. In part because of where he came from, what he went on to achieve and the good he did etc, but also (mainly) because he was an awesome player. Right now/today, I can think of numerous current players I despise (because of what they 'didn't do' and/or didn't get prosecuted for).
Forty Twenty
Roar Rookie
Strangely enough, the third type of response, which is the only valid one before a verdict is reached, is the one that draws so much flak. ''How about you punters wait until the verdict is announced before making all these ridiculous comments'' ( Cue a torrent of abuse to the person who says this. ) You should Google a previous Roar article, Danielle, titled '' The Eagles Angels are Useful Idiots'' and read the comments. I'd be interested to hear your view. The punters pay lip service to the ''innocent until proven guilty'' notion. It's pathetic and as I've said in the past, people would be sued in the future. I suspect it's already happened. Everyone should save the ridiculous hysteria and insults until the court brings down a verdict instead of putting themselves on a pathetic pedestal BEFORE it's appropriate. It happens every single time. May deserves to be criticized heavily because he was found guilty and that is the time to vent the fury. Even more so now with his ludicrous social media posts. I'd be interested to hear more about the people who have been paid off. I wouldn't be surprised if it was true but some evidence would be helpful.
Glory Bound
Roar Rookie
There is only the court of personal opinion for tribal banter, TS. You know that. :silly:
The Sporacle
Roar Rookie
You just described you :laughing:
Forty Twenty
Roar Rookie
''There are usually two types of responses'' The third type of response is fairly common and is the only fair one.