First we scoffed at it, then we laughed, then we got angry… but now, it seems a real possibility that Josh Frydenberg – yes, the bloke that was just turfed out of his safe Liberal seat – could be the next AFL CEO.
Prominent asylum seeker advocate and philanthropist Kon Karapanagiotidis became the first to confirm reports that Frydenberg was set to be named into the top job as Gillon McLachlan’s replacement, in a since-deleted Tweet.
So if the AFL were to once again show it’s Australia’s most tone-deaf organisation and name Frydenberg as their next CEO, here are some things that just might find their way onto the league’s agenda in 2023:
1. Put North Melbourne on a cashless welfare card
Oh, North Melbourne are debt-free and made a profit last year? Well, all the more reason to ensure they stay that way by making sure they don’t spend beyond their means moving forward.
Under the terms and conditions of the card, the Kangaroos won’t be able to buy star players from other clubs, withdraw funds to pay out-of-contract number one draft picks, and will have a portion of their income deposited into a safe, unreachable account that they can only access from, weirdly, Tasmania.
For unknown reasons, the card’s restrictions are set to become particularly tight during Indigenous Round.
2. Force all non-Australian players to disavow their birth country
If Josh had to give up his dual citizenship to stay in parliament, then sorry Mason Cox, rules are rules.
Under the new system, all players born outside Australia, or with one parent from overseas, must publicly disavow their nation of origin, swear undying fealty to Australia, and commit to singing the national anthem with gusto before every final.
Notably, Mr Frydenberg was willing to make an exception for players who have spent over a decade in Australia, before being reminded that Zach Tuohy plays for Geelong now.
3. Give Port Adelaide back the ‘prison bars’ jumper
This proposal is said to have baffled AFL headquarters, but they went along with it after Mr Frydenberg went on a ten-minute rant expressing his undying hatred for the colour teal.
4. Change the umpire sponsor to Guide Dogs Victoria
After testing well in focus groups, Mr Frydenberg will swiftly move to approve the sponsorship with the new GDV CEO, which will reportedly be worth $1 million in the first year before rising to $3.9 million in a decade’s time despite the charity providing nothing extra in return whatsoever.
The offer also requires glowing reviews from Guide Dogs Victoria for both the AFL and Mr Frydenberg’s leadership.
“Time and time again, Josh Frydenberg has shown his genuine care for the AFL and the people with high cholesterol and one-eyedness it serves,” former CEO Karen Hayes was quoted as saying.
5. All draws to be decided by a vote from non-participating teams
Rather than award two points to either side in the event that no team wins (which Mr Frydenberg keeps referring to as ‘securing a majority’), a draw will instead see the remaining 16 teams choose the victor.
However, Mr Frydenberg became enraged when learning some teams planned to sell their votes to more powerful clubs to maintain their bottom line, describing said clubs as ‘fake independents’.
Former Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg smiles as he plays with a football. (Photo by Graham Denholm/Getty Images)
6. Re-purpose the MCG prayer room
… probably best not to delve any deeper on this one.
7. Announce ‘Cis White Bloke Round’
After heavy consultation with a bald, evil-looking associate, Mr Frydenberg strongly believes that the right to free speech requires balance between all sides of the political spectrum.
Hence, three ‘Cis White Bloke Rounds’ have been given the green-light by the AFL for the 2022 season, in order to effectively counteract Indigenous, Women’s and Pride Rounds.
In these rounds, white men will be permitted to engage in constant abuse of umpires and players without fear of being ejected, gain access to prime viewing seats, and be as racist and sexist as they please.
So basically Victoria Park in the ’90s.
8. Pardon Bailey Smith
Having got to know him well during a recent plan to upgrade the Whitten Oval, Mr Frydenberg has issued a staunch defence of Smith’s character.
“These have been very distressing days in the AFL, and I saw yesterday aspects of Bailey Smith’s press conference and you could see the anguish on his face, you could see the effect that it was having on him,” Mr Frydenberg said.
“He’s entitled to the presumption of innocence. We adhere to the rule of law.”
Upon being informed that Smith had already admitted to use of an illicit substance, Mr Frydenberg is said to have fallen silent for 58 seconds, then named Smith head of the league’s anti-doping authority.
9. Begin barracking for Sydney
In a move that has reportedly blindsided key staffers, Mr Frydenberg appears set to turn his back on his beloved Carlton, which he has supported since childhood.
When asked the reasons for his decision, Mr Frydenberg said that despite recent improvements from the Blues, his admiration for the Swans’ efforts in recent seasons had prompted the change, describing the club as the ‘gold standard’.
“No doubt Carlton has made improvements after the devastating Mick Malthouse era, but Sydney is the gold standard, because they haven’t had a club-wide rebuild, even though they have had clusters of missing the finals, for example, in the late 2010s,” Mr Frydenberg said.
The Blues are weighing up the size of the brown paper bag to offer him to reconsider, according to industry sources.
HR
Roar Rookie
Population size and geography. They were insulated from a war that devastated the industrial powers of Europe, and were able to build their influence because they were essentially the only ones left standing.
Rowdy
Roar Rookie
And the fact that had extremely large numbers of hardworking Dutch, Germans and Scandinavians. They were the backbone of America's Primary and Secondary industries.
Colin Fenwick
Roar Rookie
This was in response to Doctor RotCod. Read his comment first. I have already detailed why I believe he was a decent treasurer.
Colin Fenwick
Roar Rookie
This was in direct response to the quality of his resume and whether he was offered a partnership. I have stated I believe he was a decent treasurer and have yet to receive responses detailing the opposite.
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
If you need to keep talking about what he studied at uni you clearly don’t have much to cite during his career
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
Nah. It’s based on his performance. University offers decades ago are irrelevant to his performance as a politician.
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
The US fostered the worlds greatest economy through their population size not their voting system
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
It’s ludicrous anybody thinks our voting system should move closer to the US
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
I think most young people who vote Liberal do though 13th
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
Nah. Joshy claims to be a moderate but supported (voted with) the conservative side his entire tenure. That’s why he’s no longer in parliament. Because he claimed to be moderate, but his actions were not moderate.
HR
Roar Rookie
Davico said "one of" the most well-heeled in Vic, if not Australia. And it is - third of 39 in Vic, tenth of 151 in Australia, measured by mean net wealth per capita.
Colin Fenwick
Roar Rookie
He had only completed his articles of clerkship at Mallesons Stephan Jaques, before accepting a scholarship offer at Oxford University. He was also a Barrister and Solicitor for the Supreme Court of Victoria, before being the Director of Global Banking for Deutsche Bank, (while completing a Masters of Public Administration at Harvard University) so I'm not sure where he was ever offered or would have accepted being a partner at Mallesons Stephan Jaques.
Colin Fenwick
Roar Rookie
Some positive key economic indicators include: - employment - GDP growth - Balance of Payments (trade balance) - Household final consumption - Real net national disposable income per capita (standard of living) And so on.
Colin Fenwick
Roar Rookie
All 3 ended up being leaders of their countries. Whether they were effective comes down more to an individuals political stripes. At Oxford, he completed a Master of International Relations at University College, Oxford, with a thesis on Indonesian politics. While it could be argued Indonesia has recently ventured down the MMT path with the purchase of interest free bonds from the central bank, it is unlikely Frydenberg discussed any of this in his thesis.
Colin Fenwick
Roar Rookie
First preference - 6.5% https://www.abc.net.au/news/elections/federal/2022/guide/kooy I have no opinion as to whether he would make a good CEO of AFL but he has a decent resumè.
Pumping Dougie
Roar Guru
If Frydenburg failed to get re-elected by the public in a blue ribbon Liberal seat like Kooyong, then why would the AFL want him? What personal attributes has he shown that would make him remotely qualified? He was a senior minister in one of the most failed, non-present, under-performing governments in our history ("not my job", stuffed-up vaccine rollout initially, stuffed-up RATS testing rollout initially, wasted billions of dollars on jobkeeper in payments to companies that earned more money during the pandemic than before, sent our national debt into record levels as a result of this stupidity, failed to represent women - ScoMo responding to protest marches by suggesting they would be shot in the US and none of his colleagues including Frydenburg showing leadership on this issue, championing discrimination against gays on grounds of religion, refusing to acknowledge climate change was a serious global issue, complete vacuum of moral leadership, no vision, no inspiration, no policies).
Nick
Roar Guru
I don’t see too many people from Liberal democracies either emigrating legally or getting on boats illegally, but I certainly see a lot coming the other way. I also don’t see any Liberal democracies locking their citizens behind borders. Hear hear. So a minority held view can be right.. Much like compulsory voting. P.S I can think of one liberal democracy who locked their citizens inside their border for nearly 2 years . And, yes, I find America to be quite a waste of space in 21st century society What was once a country to be envious of ( never their political system though) is now something more to pity. I respect their prodigious contributions to the advancements in science and technology. We're on this forum because of them, really I pity everything else. They've thrown away the advantages they once had.
Nick
Roar Guru
Ok, a few points to unpack there You’re saying my argument is wrong, yet accept your view can be correct, but not necessarily, just because it’s in the minority. Which one is it? 1. Actually you were the one implying that if everyone else doesn't do compulsory voting, then they therefore must be right. I'm simply challenging that assumption. 2. We are forever going to be in a state of disagreement over your opinion of America, so best to draw a line there. There is no world where i could ever be convinced that they are the standard bearer for anything anymore. They've long past their peak. The political system in the US is designed to entrench minority party rule. So, yes, they are absolutely wrong. The US political system didn't make America an economic powerhouse: superb land acquisitions and profoundly rapid population growth of the 19th century - each at the expense of European powers did. America's (somewhat accidental) domination of the 20th century happened because of the leg work done in the 19th. 3. Yes, preferential voting is a problem. I fully accept that I much, much prefer NZs or Germanys voting system for you get a better reflection of the electorate in the house. 4. Our system is not as broken as you think. Compulsory voting is accepted in Australia. There is no political will to change the law or any significant push by the electorate to do so. You are in an absolute minority of people who would want it changed. Nor for that matter is the current combo of preferential voting + compulsory voting that big an issue. Even other voting outcomes are unlikely to break a fairly entrenched two party system Compulsory voting is a misnomer. No one is forcing you to vote. You just have to rock up to a polling station. At the end of the day, you've turned up by law, and then voluntarily put numbers against boxes and then voluntarily put the paper in the ballot box. The govt only asks for you to get your name marked off. If you don't want to vote, then don't vote. You say the system is broken? So, two questions: 1. Name a time when you think it wasn't? ( You can't say it's broken otherwise) 2. What's your solution to repair it? I'm quite interested to hear, but alas we are probably hijacking this page. A shame, really.
13th Man
Roar Rookie
Come on, the US? They are hardly an example of a good working democracy. Despite the vast majority of people in the country wanting it, they can't even pass basic Gun control laws due to a small vocal powerful minority group controlling more than half the congress. Their so called 'democracy' isn't capable of stopping regular school shootings. Hardly a model I'd like to follow. Australia's democratic system isn't perfect but I'd argue it's a whole lot better than the US, or even the UK, who still have people appointed to their House of Lords simply by being born into the right family. Australia does ok, globally speaking.
13th Man
Roar Rookie
Well and truly poorly governed in the last 10-15 years. I’m not so sure the blame lays at Gil’s feet but the whole Gold Coast/GWS experiment has been pretty much an abject failure and that is Demetriou’s legacy. Neither club after 10 years still draw a crowd worth writing home about. The fact Tasmania still don’t have a team is an indictment on the governance. It may be doing well if you compare it to Rugby League but that’s a low bar to be competing against.