Super Round is coming up, and Melbourne will be hosting all 12 teams this weekend – much to the chagrin of many supporters, who would rather the showcase round be held in a city with a better than even chance of drawing a crowd that couldn’t fit comfortably in a Volkswagen.
Amid the doom and gloom about the future of the Rebels, we’re living through a moment of supreme pessimism about rugby union in Melbourne and its chances of ever gaining a hold of the southern imagination.
But it need not be this way.
Melbourne can indeed become a rugby stronghold, and its people converted into passionate rugbyites.
It’s just a matter of making a few compromises, a few tweaks, a few concessions to the Victorian mindset.
Super Round should lean into Melbourne’s culture to bring back the fans. (Photo by Daniel Pockett/Getty Images)
All rugby has to do is bring those things that Melburnians love into the game that we all love, and before you know it Melbourne will be the rugby capital of Australia and Super Round the hottest ticket in town.
I lived in Melbourne for 20 years, and they were among the top three 20-year periods of my life so far.
My experience makes me the perfect man to formulate a plan for turning the southern capital rugby-mad. Here’s a few suggestions for how we do it:
1: The scoring system.
Melburnians instinctively react against rugby when they see how points are scored, because it seems inherently unfair. “How cruel,” they muse, “to give three points for kicking a goal, but nothing at all for having a good honest try at kicking a goal”. If we want to win Melbourne over, that has to change. Rugby needs to introduce a reward for anyone who misses a shot at goal. As Australian Rules has always held, it’s only fair that you get something for putting in the effort. In a similar vein…
2: Ball handling.
No Melbourne fan, however much they might want to get into rugby, will embrace a game in which players so routinely pick the ball up cleanly. Rugby must move with the times if it wants to take over new territory, and that means ending this obsession with ball handling. Get rid of the proscription against knock-ons and let players have as many goes as they want to pick it up. They’re doing their best.
3: Marking.
One big plus for rugby in conquering Melbourne is that, like the AFL, rugby has marking. But our marks are a pale imitation of theirs. Why would they come watch ours when theirs are so much more spectacular? Easy to fix though: while now a mark is rewarded with a free kick, rugby can increase that incentive, awarding the player a free kick and fifty metres of territory, if they take the mark while standing on an opponent’s head. Which brings us to the next point:
Glen Vaihu leapt high to take the ball over Tom Wright at AAMI Park on February 23, 2024 in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Asanka Ratnayake/Getty Images)
4: Foul play.
We are going to have to legalise standing on opponents’ heads.
5: The offside rule.
This is a real “two birds with one stone” play: nobody likes the offside rule anyway. It’s confusing, keeps changing and leads to long and tedious arguments. And it’ll never catch on down south. Open the door to Melbourne’s hearts and minds by abolishing offside and allowing attacking players to stand wherever they like to chase or receive kicks.
6: Refereeing.
Melburnians are understandably confused by the weirdly small contingent of match officials on the field for a rugby game. Three referees, at a minimum, and an extra ref up each end to occasionally wave a big flag are a must if crowds down south are to be assured the game is being correctly administered.
Ben Pobjie has come up with ten ways to bring back the crowds in Melbourne. (Photo by Daniel Pockett/Getty Images)
7: Coffee.
Melburnians are justly proud of their world-beating coffee, but rugby offers almost no opportunity for showcasing this great element of Australian culture. It will double crowds instantly in Melbourne if players are permitted to have a coffee on the field every ten minutes. Think of the atmosphere at a Bledisloe Cup match when, at a tense point as the game approaches a thrilling climax, the official barista runs onto the field and starts doling out the lattes. I’ve got chills!
8: Moomba.
Melbourne folk love Moomba, so tell them that rugby is part of Moomba. They’ll come in their millions. Dress the players up in birdman costumes and it’ll be even more popular.
(: Laneway bars.
The laneway bars of Melbourne are the envy of the world, according to numerous expert Melbourne laneway bar owners. To give rugby a truly Melburnian flavour, stadiums must be adapted so that the stands are made up of multiple laneways and fans can watch the game while seated in an uncomfortable metal chair under a promotional umbrella.
10: Molly Meldrum.
They love that guy down there. See if he’s available to play, it’ll be MASSIVE.
PaddyBoy
Roar Rookie
There’s a bit to that I reckon, I definitely see some aspects of Aussie Rules being transferred across to Rugby, line out prowess, under the high ball and kicking being the main three that spring to mind. More to the point the training and conditioning is tough and elite. Even at u16s in Aussie Rules I was running through the scrub carrying logs for training. Dunno if it’s the same for Rugby, sure it is for many clubs! Rugby needs to be smarter about its talent ID, the age of the big boppers in Aussie Rules is almost done so there’s plenty of potential piggies in non traditional hunting grounds.
Munro Mike
Roar Rookie
The irony is - - that the greater game play of the Victorian game - - the greater freedom helped develop broader skills and encourage broader athleticisms. We also saw this play out via Dally Messenger after his time in Melbourne upon return to Sydney. And then repeated again after the Izzie Folau time in the AFL world and his subsequent move to Rugby Union and the label of best player in the world.
Munro Mike
Roar Rookie
Ah I know this is tongue in cheek........however...... re point 1: “How cruel,” they muse, “to give three points for kicking a goal, but nothing at all for having a good honest try at kicking a goal” We're actually smart enough to know that Rugby found kicking goals too difficult so they awarded points FOR the 'good honest try' such that the TRY is worth more than a goal. Sorry - - you lose. 2. Ball Handling.......seriously? Union types like to assert that they have more of a contest than League (is that just because the league scrum really is an absolute tokenism and the line out is seen as contested)? The knock-on rules are archaic and reduce contested ball. You've got the typical rigidity of a Rugby type who is based in the 'turn based' nature of the Rugby codes. 3. Marking...........all codes started with a 'fair catch'. Including London Association Football and RFU.........that was the ONLY way to gain a shot at goal in the early rules. You guys perverted your games. Not the Victorians. And of course - Victorians (AFL fans) watch the Union Line out with a blokes team mates hoisting him up in the air and providing an atomic wedgie in the process.............and we laugh. What the heck are the Union types thinking?? 4: Foul play. "We are going to have to legalise standing on opponents’ heads." You effectively do - - via the allowance of players in the 'ruck'; many a head seems mistaken for the ball and the ref turns a blind eye. Oh.......you're not talking about stomping and raking a guy's head who is on the ground at the time..............stay classy Union!! 5. Off side is another archaic relic - of the 1800s when these school boy games were seeking to develop the future soldiers for the 1800s battlefield. Warfare has long since evolved and the opposing sides lined up on an open field........that's met it's Waterloo some time ago. 6. refereeing - - it's an umpire. Like in cricket. Come on - - get with the program. 7. set up a (pioneered in Melbourne) McCafe drive through between the benches on the side-lines. Easy done. Allows the medical cart easy access as well to provide immediate caffeine treatment of cauliflower eyes and busted noses. 8,9,10......the size of the ground........pretty well is played in a laneway; Moomba is something most Melbournians don't actually understand so that's a good corollary for Rugby Union; and Molly Meldrum??.......'nuff said.
aerial lizard
Roar Rookie
Whereas the Giants play in the rough nuts league.
aerial lizard
Roar Rookie
Rhetorical of course, it's always the one with the most impressive sub-navel region.
Dualcode
Roar Rookie
Or at least make the quarterfinals for once to start with
Ben Pobjie
Expert
Heaven!
Cugel
Roar Rookie
Sure, Rebels just need more scrums, more mini-scrums, more lineouts, and above all more penalty goal attempts.
mwm
Roar Pro
Rugby's problem in Australia is inherently cultural. It has never broken away from its middle/upper class roots. It is still largely seen as a game played by private school boys in the elite schools of Sydney and Brisbane. It never handled the move to full professionalism smoothly as it simply ran into the inevitable fact that their isn't enough fans of the code to compete day to day with Rugby league. Without that firm footing of a popular league, the national team will alway struggle. Its Golden era largely consisted of people from the 'semi-pro/amatuer' era. In Sydney, their natural base has largely shifted to supporting the Swans in the AFL as it is seen as a middle class sport now.
Fin
Roar Rookie
Plus their officials can run backwards and I mean run. It's probably the most impressive part about watching AFL live. They're all good at it, not just the one who bounces it. I think it was watching one of the SR trials on Stan I noticed one of our ARs accidentally throw his flag on top of a rolling maul. I'm assuming it was lack of co-ordination but I guess he could have thought he was in the NFL, either way no where near as impressive as someone who can sprint backwards.
ScottD
Roar Guru
Melbourne loves a winner.
ScottD
Roar Guru
We all needed something to smile about , Ben. Thanks
Guess
Roar Rookie
Problem is Aru doesn't have someone like horse guy
aerial lizard
Roar Rookie
"I lived in Melbourne for 20 years, and they were among the top three 20-year periods of my life so far." You Wayne Kerr, I spattered coffee over the poor old mog!
Doctordbx
Roar Rookie
I think if you played the Bledisloe cup every week for 12 weeks in Melbourne the crowd would be almost zero by the time the last one wheeled around
aerial lizard
Roar Rookie
Playing the long odds with money that ain't their's, and living it up fat along the way.
Dionysus
Roar Rookie
"the difference is they are run by professionals" Give that man a coconut.
TJ-Go Force!
Roar Rookie
Ben you’ve left out a kebab on Swan St before and after the match. Anyone who’s done the double is a true Melbourne sport’s fan. The next day on the porcelain ain’t fun, but man it’s delicious at the time knocking off two kebabs in a night.
Monsta
Roar Rookie
I would argue that like SOO, the crowd for the Bledisloe is not purely Melburnians but a decent % of folk from other states like Qld, NSW and NZ :laughing: And this is why states or cities pay a fee to host the games or rounds. It brings economic benefit to the state. They couldn't give a rats about the sport itself, only the $$ it brings in. So, when the Bledisloe is held in Melbourne, those with the disposable income can afford to attend the game and spend it up big in the city hence all the sports coats with elbow patches and a token Wallabies scarf.
Doctordbx
Roar Rookie
The question remains after having the opportunity to do so for 14 years now why haven't they?