G’day, this is hard-as-nails free agent Madge Maguire. I’m here to tell you about the exciting new book I penned using the spare time I had set aside for being employed.
It’s a collection of my favourite recipes, and it’s ready just in time to scoop your disposable Christmas dollar!
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Sure, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Food is for the mentally weak, why would Madge need it? This book is just a convenient outlet for the sizzling antagonism he now harbours towards Russell Crowe, and he’s going to use it to dump his rage because it is almost uncontainable.’
But you would be wrong.
Contrary to the truth, I’ve got no problem with South Sydney. Their decision to blindside me with an immediate termination was one mutually agreed. Why would I have an issue?
If anything, being unceremoniously dumped in the gutter has been a positive.
Frankly, running rugby league’s greatest club was getting in the way of my two true passions: performing stomach crunches until I vomit, and cooking.
Check out a selection of my favourites below. Bon appetit!
Former South Sydney coach Michael Maguire (Photo: AAP)
Grilled salmon
I really like salmon. It does things the tough way. It swims against the current and never cracks under pressure and commits turnovers. If salmon didn’t pair so stunningly with a Beurre Blanc, I would’ve played one in place of Dave Tyrell.
Classic chicken schnitzel
Easy to make pub grub. You just need to tenderise the chicken first. Overwork it and overwork it and overwork it again until it is tired and lifeless and then lets you down. Serve with a side of ice chips.
Le D’amien risotto
Rice is so reliable and underrated. Yet, oddly, risotto remains uninspiring. I’m still unsure if I really enjoy this dish. Maybe try to liven it up with something Mediterranean on the side, preferably cheap and somewhat spicy.
Burgess bratwurst
Not a dish I’m familiar with, but the publisher insisted on it being included. Still confused; the Burgess boys aren’t German?
Rich slow-cooked stew
This is nourishing comfort food that will fill your house with heady aromas. For best results, use a protein that is brittle and sinewy, like goat shoulder or Adam Reynolds.
Madge’s mixed grill
If you’re like me and harbour a deep intolerance for feebleness, you’ll get a thrill out of roasting a large group of surrendered animals. Like I did when the team conceded 64 points with my job on the line.
Fresh Caesar salad
I love a simple Caesar salad. The recipe has never changed. It refuses to yield to trends. With a good Caesar, you can do the same thing over and over and over again and you’re always guaranteed a serviceable, unexceptional meal. For a predictable twist, try stale croutons!
Braised game meat with side greens
For an easy preparation, try one of the weaker game animals like pheasant, dove or anything Gen Y. Exception: Angus Crichton. He’s too bony.
Shane Richardson pot pie
No, this is not a cheap crack at the weight of the man who ended my dream. This is just comfort food at its finest, best prepared in a dish similar to Richo’s word: a crock.
Quarter flounder
Guest
Its obvious that comedy is not your thing. Dont give up your day job.
Beau Gann
Roar Rookie
Buy salt, pepper, onions, the 2014 Premiership, potatoes, vegetables and a star utility back: preferably an Inglis (if early & in season) Combine ingredients and work hard until fed up Crush knee of Inglis and leave to stew on-field for 50 minutes Season over (with salt & pepper)
Big Daddy
Guest
Rabbit stew a LA rusty is always a favourite. Shane Richardson pot pie is pretty hard to swallow even if its cut up into small pieces.
qwetzen
Guest
I'm just going out to lunch. Not feeling very hungry now...
qwetzen
Guest
I give up. What's Wild Beagle satirising?
Wild Eagle
Guest
You write some good stuff Dane. I would probably write an article myself about the Bee in my Bonnet but I think it would be have the trajectory of a lead balloon . Basic premise of my non article being why are the incredible throng of " fans " on social media who abuse and criticize the hell out of people like Barrett, Fulton and Api K because they KNOW ( real example of word used) that they are heading to the wooden spoon are so unbelievably sensitive and abusive to people like me both before and after the event. I am referring mainly to the silvertails forum although if you revive an article on Roar titled "The Untouchable Bob Fulton" it highlights my issue to an extent. To me a far more relevant title and article would be " The Untouchable And Highly Sensitive CRITICS Of Bob Fulton and Co Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Fools" PS I am proud to admit that I was kicked off of the Silvertails forum for exposing some of these fools. The correct title of the forum would be "Supporters First And Foremost Of Abusive Fans Forum" Here is a question that the Staff and Moderators refuse to address. The rules state that "abusive of anyone will not be tolerated (paraphrased ) on this site" but why is nobody kicked off the site for repeated abuse of Zorba , Fulton, Barrett and any Journalist who says anything they don't agree with including a recent homophobic post against a Gay journalist. Abuse of posters who support the current whipping boy at the time at any given time is also supported. I was kicked off of the site because I mocked the post of someone who declared that we would get the wooden spoon this year unless Api K was dropped along with Green for the year and replaced by Cullen and Hastings. Apparently a long term poster talking nonsense is a protected species.
Con Scortis
Roar Guru
I would actually make kebabs with it, using the echidna's own spikes as the skewers. Now that's what I call edgy!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks Con! Heading to the pub for one later myself. Gonna make sure I request it 'extra pre-seasony'
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Too kind, TG. A complimentary pack of Madge's croutons headed your way
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Gents! I appreciate all comments. Especially those from a serious angle that bring much-needed decorum to my articles
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Serve it in a boot and it's edgy modern cuisine by today's standards
Con Scortis
Roar Guru
Very clever Dane, you had me chuckling all the way through. I especially loved the chicken schnitty description. Very apt.
The Barry
Roar Guru
I went to a BBQ down the coast about 15 or so years ago. One of the guests showed up with a dead echidna they'd found by the side of the road. It had been hit by a car but not squashed and was still warm. The host cleaned it and threw it on the BBQ. It was a bit gamey but tasted like chicken (surprise)...Madge would have loved it.
Tim Gore
Expert
Add stale croutons... I have a headache and I'm nauseas. That still made me laugh Dane. You are the king.
Wild Eagle
Guest
Fire away with something interesting then champion. Dane has spent a lot of time writing an article and if nobody responds you wont need to waste your time reading his article or my worst ever response. People like you who don't offer opinions but are just critical are a dime a dozen.
Arcturus
Roar Rookie
This is the worst satirical response I've ever read.
Wild Eagle
Guest
Maguire and Hasler both premiership winning coaches and recent grand final sparring partners yet who would be excited to have either of them come to your club and turn your fortunes around? It's a flawed comparison but in my flawed mind it reminds me a little of the hysteria often seen when a politician is elected like Obama or Rudd or most of them. I just shake my head every time at the false optimism. I also shake my head at the false pessimism when a Trent Barrett type is signed as coach. Look at his record they cry, doesn't get the culture they cry, isn't head butting doors in the change room. Why can't everyone see that he is a dud they cry. Footnote- I admit to my own false and luckily wrong false appraisal of Haslers time at the Dogs soon after he signed. The false pessimism also rears it's head when a player like Mitchell Moses signs to Parra. ( here's the clue- talented player who has proven abilities and is not too old or injured moves from poor team in turmoil to good team in the top eight ) As a rival fan I'm a bit concerned about Teddy Tedesco teaming up with Latrell Inglis over at the Rooters The silliest statement in rugby league is one I hear every year and one I have never used ever. "He can't coach" Black and white statement but who miraculously can all of a sudden coach now? Yes that's right Trent Barrett. While I'm at it , who miraculously hasn't destroyed the Eagles , yes Bozo. Time for some critics to examine their own abilities?
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Madge had it in the mix, Barry. But that and boiled bunny just missed the cut
The Barry
Roar Guru
No roadkill recipes...?