Four men walk into a bar – Whetu, Kev, Morne and Juan. They find a table down the back, away from all the action.
Whetu: “It’s a shame SANZAAR can’t get it together. But we’re all good mates, we can sort things out for them.”
Kev: “Let’s get a beer first. Juan, your shout.”
Juan: “But I don’t have any money.”
Whetu: “None of us do, bro. Just start a tab. Maybe some TV executive or PE fella will come along later and pay.”
Morne: “PE? Since when do phys ed teachers have money? It’s only French club owners who have money.”
Kev: “Yeah. Imagine giving Ma’a Nonu a new contract.”
Whetu: “It’s all about pathways for golden oldies.”
Ma’a Nonu (Anthony Au-Yeung/Getty Images)
Morne: “I heard it was because Sergio Parisse got sick of being teased about being the oldest player.”
Whetu: “Parisse? It’s hard to respect a bloke who said he’d rather play for Italy than the All Blacks.”
Juan returns with the drinks. Whetu holds one of the bottles up for closer inspection.
Whetu: “This looks dodgy.”
Juan: “It’s craft beer, from Western Australia.”
Kev: “Who do you think we are, the Brumbies? Beer, man! Not some fancy weasel’s piss.”
Juan skulks away to try again.
Whetu: “Righto, let’s get on with it.”
Morne: “Shouldn’t one of us take the minutes?”
Kev: (starts tapping into his phone) “I am.”
Whetu: “That’s not real minutes, bro. That’s just taking notes.”
Kev: “What’s the difference?”
Whetu: “When you have to explain a balls-up to Fozzie and Sam? Plenty.”
Kev: “So the problem here, it’s really all about communication. Give and take. Just like any relationship.”
Morne: “Exactly. Like when my missus busted me sexting with this chick from up north. I explained that it was just a bit of flirting, no harm in that. I was hardly going to leave her, was I?”
Kev: “So what happened?’
Morne: “I left her. But I still go back every year for special occasions and to pay for the kid’s birthdays.”
Kev: “You should do what I did. I kicked one of my kids out a couple of years ago. They whinge about it a bit, but they soon learned to support themselves.”
Juan returns with proper beer.
Whetu: “That’s better, bro.”
Kev: “But you forgot the chips. Get those NZR brand chips – extra salt, extra vinegar.”
Juan reluctantly heads back to the bar.
Morne: “You boys keep talking, I’m going for a slash.”
Kev: “So how are we going to sort this out?’
Whetu: “Well, as you know, I already submitted the Arawhetu report to New Zealand Rugby. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you fellas aren’t up to scratch. Because we’re the world’s greatest rugby nation, we need an elite competition with only the world’s very best franchises in it.”
Kev: “So, who are they?”
Whetu: “Our five franchises plus the Western Force, the Shanghai Sheep Shaggers, a south Auckland-based Pasifika side, and the Book ‘em Danno’s.”
Kev: “The same Western Force that couldn’t win a game in Super Rugby AU?”
Whetu: “Watch them go when we give them a few more Kiwis to help out Thrushy and Richard Kahui.”
Morne reappears.
Kev: “That was quick!”
Morne: “Nah, I couldn’t get in. Some little halfback snuck in there and locked the door. Sounds like he’s practising his passing. I can hear him hitting the No. 10 on the chest with his fast ball.”
Kev: “Whetu, I assume you’ve cleared all this with the NZ players association?”
Whetu: “Why would we talk to them, bro? The players only want the Aussie sides in so they can get a few easier games and a weekend in Canberra. We need to give the fans what they want. The grassroots supporters. Not that you fellas care about the grassroots in Aussie.”
Kev: “Of course we do. Sydney Uni is doing very nicely, thank you.”
Morne: “And what about the Blues? What do they think about you carving off their PI supporter base? Just when they’ve finally got their shit together?”
Whetu: “They’ll be sweet. Tana, Carter, JK, Beaudy, Sam Nock – what a backline!”
Morne: “But those guys are the future. What are we doing about this year? We’ve all got bills to pay.”
Kev: “You blokes just turn up at my place as soon as you can. We can have our own hub in the basement. And there’s plenty of hand sanitiser and deep heat.”
Morne: “What about the date of the last match? Don’t we need to change that?”
Kev: “Not for me, you can stay as long as you like.”
Morne: “What does Juan think?”
Whetu and Kev shrug their shoulders.
Morne: “Yeah, doesn’t really matter, does it?”
(Photo by Chris Hyde/Getty Images)
Whetu: “I’m happy with the plan. I can’t stand Xmas. Kids jumping on my bed at 6am, then the mother-in-law comes in and pinches all the crackling while I’m trying to carve the pork. Then just when I want to have a sleep, uncle gets the guitar out and starts up with Sweet Caroline. I’d rather be in hotel quarantine.”
Morne: “That’s settled then. But who is going to run everything?’
Kev: “It needs to be someone who loves and understands all rugby. Totally unbiased, believes in New Zealand, South Africa and Argentina as much as the Tahs. Enjoys letter-writing.”
Whetu: “If it gets Kearnsie off the commentary, then I’m all for that.”
Morne: “Do we need to run this by World Rugby?’
Kev: “Bill doesn’t like it when you interrupt him in the middle of a gin.”
Morne: “What about SANZAAR? We need to let them know, at least.”
Kev: “SANZAAR?”
Whetu: “Those fellas up Bondi Junction? I always wondered what they did.”
Kev: “I hear they’ve been busy. You know, communicating with the rugby community, marketing the game, and proactively organising Japan into a new franchise competition and into the Rugby Championships. Apparently, there are a few people up there interested in rugby now, after the World Cup.”
Whetu: “Really? Who would have thought?”
One of the bar staff walks by.
Bar staffer: “Sorry, I couldn’t help but hear you mention SANZAAR.”
Whetu: “Yeah, what do you know about them?”
Bar staffer: “There’s no them. It’s actually you blokes. You are SANZAAR. You are the authors of your own destiny.”
Whetu drains his beer.
Whetu: “Whoa, that’s pretty deep. I just thought we have the best players and everything else takes care of itself. I need to go home and have a lie-down.”
Bar staffer: “And don’t forget, you are blood brothers. You’ll all be back in here drinking like long lost buddies in 2022.”
As they gather their things, Juan belatedly reappears.
Whetu: “What happened to our chips, bro?’
Juan: “Sorry guys, it’s just that because I’m homeless, I was seeing if I can get a bed at the Salvos.”
Morne: “You know, in the past you could have stayed with me, but these days, I’m sorry, but it’s every man for himself.”
Kev taps away on his phone as they all walk out.
Kev: “Every man for himself – there, I’ve just put that in the minutes.”
Whetu: “Not minutes, bro. Notes.”
Kev: “Minutes.”
Whetu: “Notes.”
Micko
Roar Rookie
This is why the protectionist model won't work for Australia. You need to get your grassroots supporters passionate and spending their money. Sydney should have 3-4 pro teams in a national comp which allows some foreigners, like a couple of PI's & Argentinians at each club. And if aussie players want to chase lucrative and ridiculous offers in Japan, France or England then let them, and don't punish them by not giving them the right to play for their country where possible.
Aussieinexile
Roar Rookie
were the names changed to protect the innocent or to protect Juan?? :stoked: :stoked: Great Piece
Machooka
Roar Guru
This is such a tragic comment :silly:
Muzzo
Roar Rookie
Get a grip Chook, the only mothers milk as far as beer goes is Speights, but then again, those down in the cockroach territory, wouldn't know that lol. Cheers
Muzzo
Roar Rookie
Excellent Geoff enjoyed it. Reminds me of a certain discussion I had with an ex All Black after hours in an upstairs Auckland bar. How he told me how he was dismissed with playing with the All Blacks. Due to the times, we can expect all the bickering between all these unions, as we will possibly see results in the 3rd Bledisloe encounter in Brisbane, where it could possibly be a make up AB team. Ka Kite Ano.
Perthstayer
Roar Rookie
Geoff, who would have thought GRR would become a negotiating tool so soon. This is a wake up call to anyone wondering what happens next. If someone offers to cover for Juan but returns with sweet sherry, then so be it, medicine doesn't taste good.
Geoff Parkes
Expert
Understand that, Fox. A couple of things killed it, firstly Auckland's dominance for such a long period, where it got to the point of that even Aucklander's got so bored with winning all the time, they stopped going along. Then professionalism came, and Super Rugby, and so with all interest in the five franchises, the Shield for all the provinces got lost. But personally, I like how it's made a bit of a comeback. I remember as a kid listening to Marlborough win the shield off Canterbury on the radio, and thinking how magical that was.
Geoff Parkes
Expert
'If' you were a punting guy... :laughing:
Fox
Roar Guru
I have to say Geoff, that as kiwi brought up with the Ranfurly Shield - I have always found it a bit of silly contest to be honest ...to the point where I actually couldn't care less who has it as it changes more hands the a bucket of water being relayed to put out a house fire! ....My brother still loves it, but even he admits, only becuase of it being an embedded tradition in NZ rugby culture because as a contest, the structure is a bit lame and outdated ... kinda like a peice of stale bread you are hoping will reinvent itseld as fresh piece of toast...or with a bit of luck, catch fire in the toaster!....oh no :shocked: was that the shield! Wait for it ...I will get the blast from other kiwi's.
Fox
Roar Guru
Yes Geoff they are experts at many things down there...something will come to me soon i am sure of it.....oh that's right - getting to the ski-fields quicker than anyone else.
Fox
Roar Guru
No offence ClassAct but I think you being a bit precious there mate. There are plenty of good things as well like...um...Kiwifruit :stoked: - oh hang on that's offensive to the Chinese, after all we did hi-jack their fruit as it actually has not silly sausage to do with NZ at all - oh know, I just offended the Germans and onward we go.......oh how completely ridiculous and its all become.
Fox
Roar Guru
Well he certainly doesn't speak for this kiwi Neutral :silly:
Rugby Tragic
Roar Rookie
If I was a punting guy ... i’d say no chance :silly:
Rugby Tragic
Roar Rookie
Nice and light Geoff.. just what is needed at this moment.
ForceFan
Roar Rookie
It's worse than that EFF, RA gets involved in approving game times for GRR/Western Force. While it's called "rugby", and it's happening in Australia, RA have involvement and power of veto.
ForceFan
Roar Rookie
Not "everywhere" Geoff....the WF are still on 100% of contract payments.
ForceFan
Roar Rookie
Or even the return of the ownership of the Western Force name and other IP.
Jacko, you certainly do embrace the “if you aren’t with us, then you’re against us “ mantra, don’t you? Just one question, was SARU supposed to curl up in a bundle until NZRU said its ok to join them again?
Just Nuisance
Roar Rookie
As a fellow South African I’m so in agreement with you Jacques and have had my fair share of sometimes pretty heated discussion here on The Roar past few months… But it is what it is.. I mean we all know SA Rugby always does the right thing… :unhappy:….. Don’t we…
CPM
Roar Rookie
The Heineken Cup! You know the most lucrative club competition in the world not some poor imitation featuring your teams and the Force, Pasifika Auckland, the Drua, Hawaii or the South China Rabbits.