UK View: 'Are you joking?' Stunned ex-stars turn on England's 'absolute shambles' in 'worst day of Bazball era'

Former players and the UK media savaged their team’s limp performance on the opening day of the second Test.

Winning the toss on a cloud-covered, rain-dotted day which ought to have been right up their pacemen’s street, England were careless with their catching, toothless with the ball and might have been absolutely taken to the cleaners if not for two wickets in four balls from their one-time spinning afterthought, Joe Root.

Ultimately, England might have felt that they’d actually been let off lightly with Australia ‘only’ making 5-339 at the end of a day which may well have been their worst in the year since the Ben Stokes-Brendon McCullum axis began.

It was all so underwhelming that it just provided a field day for some of their heroes of yesteryear, with Kevin Pietersen leading the charge from the Sky commentary box, slamming them as “absolutely shambolic”.

At one point before Root’s late intervention as Travis Head was hammering them to all parts of the ground and they looked utterly clueless at how to trouble Steve Smith, the Ashes-winning captain of 2005 Michael Vaughan could only lament: “Australia are Bazballing the Bazballers here.”

The fielding innovations seemed to have dried up as the only nod to something a bit ‘funky’ was when Root dropped in a 74mph off-spinning bouncer that didn’t bemuse Marnus Labuschagne in the slightest. 

England captain Ben Stokes leaves the field at stumps. (Photo by Gareth Copley – ECB/ECB via Getty Images)

Pietersen, who had begun the day with the honour of ringing the pavilion bell before the start of play, offered a merciless assessment as Travis Head and Smith tucked in.

“Now it’s one thing walking here, swanning around, saying ‘this is a wonderful team to play in, we’re creating the best environment’. But this is not Ashes cricket,” boomed another hero of 2005 as he took England to task over their lack of edge.

“It’s all too easy, too nice. Are you telling me Ricky Ponting in 2005 is going to be talking to Geraint Jones? You think Michael Vaughan is going to be stood next to Justin Langer saying ‘hey mate, what a cool day, it’s overcast, it’s beautiful, what an awesome day, environment here at Lord’s – what do you think of the wicket’?

“Are you joking? Are you absolutely joking? I just hope they’re in their dressing room now and the England coach is giving them the biggest hammering and saying it’s absolutely not good enough.”

Jonny Barstow stumps Travis Head. (Photo by Ryan Pierse/Getty Images)

Vaughan agreed. “England just not sharp enough,” he said on BBC. 

“England have got this approach to Test cricket that is quite casual. They talk the talk, the message after Edgbaston was very positive, young players coming out with bold statements.

“But the casual approach came out today in the middle. You get David Warner out and then Steve Smith walks out, and within 15 balls, he’s got 25 because England bowled utter dross.”

Vaughan went further speaking to the UK Telegraph.

“England have been too friendly with Australia this series – and it’s not the way to go,” Vaughan said. “The Ashes is not just another series and never has been. It’s a stressful, draining and exhausting thing to be part of.

“I don’t think England are being smart being so friendly with the Aussies, chatting to them so freely during breaks in play. It all feels too easy and welcoming for Australia. They’re the away team in an Ashes series, but they’re being allowed to treat it all like it’s just another game of cricket. But it’s not – it’s the Ashes.

“I think this approach is really hurting England, allowing Australia to settle too easily. And maybe it’s why England haven’t been quite switched on enough at key moments at Edgbaston and so far at Lord’s. It’s really costing them. I don’t think it’s the right way to go.”

The UK media was similarly disenchanted by England’s effort.

Oliver Brown, in the Telegraph, went as far as to suggest that Pietersen’s tea time outburst was “the most intense contribution summoned in the English cause all day.”

He added: “For long periods of all three sessions, there was an inescapable sense of the home side letting this Ashes drift tamely away. Where was the fire, the snarl, the defiance?”

Brown rounded on Ollie Robinson – the Usman Khawaja abuser from a week earlier.

“Here was Ollie Robinson’s moment to prove that his right arm could fire with the same ferocity as his mouth. Here was his time to deliver a savage riposte to Matthew Hayden, the former Australian opener who labelled him a “forgettable cricketer”, and to Michael Clarke, the ex-captain who declared from a Sydney radio studio that if Jofra Archer or Mark Wood had been in this England team, he would be “back playing clubbies”.

“Sadly, he followed his florid outburst towards Usman Khawaja at Edgbaston with a bowling display at Lord’s that could most kindly be described as monochrome. Sending down 78mph deliveries that Steve Smith merrily milked for singles, all while throwing in six no-balls? It was not exactly a masterclass to silence Hayden, who had accused him of serving up “nude nuts”, Australian vernacular for pedestrian balls that neither seam nor swing and are crying out to be hit. At the time, it sounded like a harsh verdict. On this evidence, it seemed perfectly justified.”

Nick Hoult, also in the Telegraph, wrote: “The worst day of the Bazball era arrived at exactly the worst possible time to leave the Ashes slipping away.

“By the close you had to check if this was January 26, Australia Day, such was their dominant position closing on 339 for five. Now England rely on the second new ball, which is just two overs old, to navigate a route back into the Test and the series.

“England were off the pace when it mattered most, there was a lack of intensity and imagination.  The most decisive hand played by an Englishman was Jonny Bairstow picking up a Just Stop Oil protester as if he was tucking his bat under his arm, and plonking him on the side of the boundary saving the pitch, and possibly the match, in the process. It was the biggest ovation of the day for an England player.”

In the Times, Simon Wilde, ruminated on luck – and the fortune England had to win the toss and decide their early fate.

“But let’s not overstate the role luck, good or bad, played on this day, because nothing could excuse the ineptitude of England’s performance. Ben Stokes and his players appeared to arrive here still rather pleased with how they had gone in Birmingham, as though they had won that game, not lost it, and spent the first two sessions in a near-horizontal position of languor as the Australian batsmen took advantage of all the many gifts on offer,” he wrote.

Michael Atherton, at least, reported back to Times readers that as bad as England were, the Australians were quite decent.

“England were listless in the field and unthreatening with the ball, but Australia’s innings was well crafted and recalled their performance in the opening Test of the summer at the Oval in the World Test Championship final. There, as here, they had been forced to bat under leaden skies and in helpful bowling conditions, and there, as here, the middle order benefited from the diligence of the openers, and David Warner in particular,” Atherton wrote.

Another former England captain was also bemused by the English approach..

“England were just too lethargic on Wednesday when everything appeared set in their favour to get back into this Ashes series,”” wrote Nasser Hussain in the Daily Mail.

“They were subdued despite winning the toss and there was a real lack of intensity to their bowling attack – the speeds of each of the five seam bowlers was down and they didn’t bowl bouncers to change things up – while the fielding was sloppy and they missed catches.

“Where was the spark? Where was the urgency?”

(With AAP)