State of Origin: Maroons in perfect shape for Origin with whole squad in doubt for opener

Queensland’s Origin preparations have been capped off in perfect style, with a mystery illness sweeping through the squad to throw their plans in to perceived disarray.

Reports from the trustworthy Queensland media have revealed an ambiguous and timely ailment has completely debilitated Kevin Walters’ playing stocks right on match eve.

As a result, the entire team has been quarantined inside the Sofitel Brisbane’s makeshift detention centre, with Cooper Cronk the only player who will front media before the match.

He will reportedly present to answer questions from 50 metres using a series of blinks through his bandaging.

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In a meticulous display of shrewd timing, Queensland’s crippling injury toll has left their Origin campaign in a parlous state at the worst possible moment.

News of the team’s serious illness has also been welcomed by Maroons fans, mainly as it casts serious doubts over their team’s chances.

Following the development, Suncorp Stadium officials have begun the process of sourcing enough death beds to facilitate 17 miraculous resurrections.

The unidentifiable and surely-deadly epidemic is a Godsend for Cameron Smith’s men after a tepid build-up to the match.

(AAP Image/Dean Lewins)

With verbal barbs at an all-time low after everyone realised they were grown-ups, the Maroons spent the week feverishly searching for a chip on their shoulder.

This came at the cost of actual football training, with Walters preferring instead to work on an inferiority complex that could be legitimately carried following a decade of success.

The coach dug deep to engender a beleaguered state of existence for his troops, inducing conflicts with Wayne Bennett, Bob Katter and the Melbourne Storm.

In a show of loyalty, Walters also bullshitted by describing the Blues team as “one of the strongest they’ve fielded this year”.

In addition, he further shifted favouritism by highlighting concocted weaknesses in his Maroons side, even publicly imploring his players to target themselves in defence.

However, plans to generate a siege mentality hit a crisis point late in the week when an apologetic Boyd Cordner revealed he was not Paul Gallen.

With the attempt at plausible crisis failing, Walters instructed his team doctor to leak a range of injury clouds to have camp resemble a cosplay of The Walking Dead.

This included releasing details of crippling ailments such as Corey Oates’ exposure to gastro and Dane Gagai’s to the Newcastle Knights.

However, the crisis has now been thankfully resolved with a wholesale viral infection.

The doctor was unable to provide a definitive diagnosis on the Maroons ails, but could confirm those suffering will experience symptoms such as “shortness of breath and the Blues’ TAB price.”

He also declared that to simply field a team will require a sickening superhuman effort of jingoistic heroism, one which will surely surpass any of the previous cases of hypochondria the state has conquered.

But the doctor declared faith in the healing power of the Queensland jersey, pointing out it “carried Trevor Gillmeister with no legs” and “Darren Lockyer with no timbre.”