We all love sport, and what we love most about it is how easy it is to identify all of the things wrong with it.
I also love to find elegant solutions to each problem that the stiff-necked cretins in the administrations will never embrace because they just can’t stand the idea of satisfying the fans.
Let’s be honest: there is no sport that couldn’t benefit from a few adjustments. Here I present one way in which all our favourite sports could be improved.
NOTE: The fact I’m only providing one change per sport is not meant to imply that only one change is needed. Many sports require dozens of rule changes, as the AFL Rules Committee knows so well.
But for now, each of these simple single alterations would make a huge difference to the quality of the sport and increase the net amount of happiness in the world.
A detailed explanation of each item is unnecessary, as the benefits are completely self-explanatory to all true sports fans. Bear that in mind.
Soccer. Institute a requirement that any player who falls over and stays on the ground longer than five seconds is considered seriously injured and must be taken from the field.
No exceptions.
Australian rules. A free kick awarded against any player who kicks or handballs the ball over the boundary line. Deliberate or not.
Rugby league. Two words: contested scrums.
Ben Creagh packs down in the 2nd row: Digital image by Colin Whelan © nrlphotos.com
Rugby union. Automatic sin-binning for any player who gives away a penalty inside his own 22.
Cricket. Wides to be called only for balls that are actually too wide to play a shot to.
Tennis. Eliminate tiebreaks altogether.
Netball. Get rid of positional requirements, allow all players to cover all parts of the court.
Basketball. Enclose the court with glass walls so the ball never goes out of bounds.
Golf. Only one club allowed for each hole.
Surfing. Bring competitors into direct contact with each other on the waves.
Swimming. No suits made from high-tech materials. In fact, no suits.
Athletics. Every participant at every athletics meet must compete in at least three different events, with at least one being a field event.
Motorsport. Abolish racetracks – all races to take place on public roads, or preferably, not on roads at all.
Horse racing. Ban jockeys.
Greyhound racing. Introduce jockeys.
Cycling. Every cyclist gets one bike, which must cost no more than three hundred dollars.
Archery. Ban all technology invented later than 1800.
Gymnastics. Nobody under 21 allowed into competitive events.
Boxing. Change rule banning blows below the belt to rule giving double points for blows below the belt.
Mixed Martial Arts. All combatants to wear roller skates at all times.
Hockey (Field). Make all corners penalty corners.
Hockey (Ice). Ban skates.
American football. Make defensive and offensive teams the same team.
Baseball. Ban gloves.
I think that about covers it.
Floyd Calhoun
Guest
For Rugby League: Discover a way to make it appeal more to non-Neanderthals. May improve the pitiful attendance figures too.
piru
Roar Rookie
No, just brollies and rolled up newspapers - as fitting the majority of bowls players' age
woodart
Guest
top post.
Clifto
Guest
I laughed out loud reading about multiball. Brilliant.
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
Nice work Ben. Two further changes for rugby. 1. Throwing the ball away after copping a penalty - automatic bin. 2. Daylight rule for offside. Daylight must be seen between defenders and last feet of ruck before attacking halfback picks up ball.Three offences by one team and someone gets 10 minutes. Soccer. Anyone needing a stretcher also gets an ambulance and is taken to hospital to be assessed. RL. Pushing in scrums allowed but no other rules. When ball pops out anyone can dive on it and take possession.
Morsie
Guest
AFL (Australian Fisting League) needs to get over their obsession with fisting. Just pass the friggin' thing.
Baz
Guest
Is there a place for side arms in this variation I am wondering.
Machiavelli
Guest
Soccer: Ban goal keepers
Paulo
Roar Rookie
Once the bowl has covered half the run, it is fair game for the other team to kick it out... it is up to your own team to protect it.
Laurence King
Roar Rookie
And all the obscene amounts of money they make given to the poor
Laurence King
Roar Rookie
Oh yes please
Laurence King
Roar Rookie
Tennis - wooden raquets and cat gut
lewismarsh
Roar Rookie
A catcher in Javelin. You will be attacked but all visionaries are!.
woodart
Guest
cricket, outlaw pads. americas cup yachting , allow ramming. aussie rules ,get rid of the punch passing.soccer, make the goal wider.
Baz
Guest
Ben, I have also noticed that you have completely ignored Lawn Bowls and the more mature members of our society. What can be done in terms of the physicality of this game? I seek your professional opinion in this matter.
Arcturus
Roar Rookie
For motorsport all competitors should be forced to race in either a HQ holden or a Morris Marina. That should sort out who can drive and who can't.
Timbo (L)
Roar Guru
Introduce a Knock on Rule. You drop it, you lose it. I grew up in Brisvegas, over there we called it fumble ball. Keep shepherding, but you are allowed to "Clean out" a player that is doing it.
Baz
Guest
100% genius. Your talents are wasted? I must ask if any substance abuse was involved in the writing of this article? I was also wondering if a catcher in the Javelin event may be worth considering.
Sheikh
Roar Rookie
"American football. Make defensive and offensive teams the same team." This very nearly exists, and is called Canadian Football.
Onside
Guest
Conjures many Monty Python images Ben, my favorite, horse racing, ban jockeys. That said, monkeys riding greyhounds would certainly increase TV ratings.