I spend far too much time thinking about the on-field value of footballers, ranking and re-ranking them – be it in my head, on paper or on a spreadsheet.
So when I heard ESPN and The Ringer’s Ryen Russillo last week compare an NFL quarterback to a ham sandwich, my imagination – with plenty of help from my stomach – sprung to life and I started thinking about how footy’s best players compare to fast-food burgers.
I’ve tried to keep the burger mainstream – I know there’s a fancy burger joint near you that’s better than at least most of these – and to keep the size of the list manageable, I’ve (mostly) kept it to midfielders.
Keeping with the theme, this week’s column is unnecessary, almost certainly bad for you, and you’ll probably hate yourself a little once you’re done with it.
Maybe next week I’ll compare the league’s best key defenders to bowls of soup.
Reheated cheeseburger
Scott Pendlebury, Joel Selwood, David Mundy, Josh P. Kennedy
It can still be damn tasty, but it was much better when it was fresh.
Double whopper
Dylan Shiel, Adam Treloar, Matt Crouch, Taylor Adams
It’s good, but it’s messy and difficult to eat and more doesn’t mean better.
Whopper Junior
Robbie Gray, Andrew Gaff, Mitch Duncan, Shaun Higgins
If you asked 100 people to name their five best burgers, I’d be surprised if any of them mentioned a Whopper Junior. But it’s a great burger, sometimes even better than the standard version and certainly better than the gratuitous double; it’s just not as filling.
Robbie Gray (AAP Image/Ben Macmahon)
McChicken
Jack Macrae, Rory Sloane, Trent Cotchin, Luke Parker
A rock-solid option – the worst McChicken is still a seven out of ten. You never regret choosing it but it will rarely knock your socks off.
Double cheeseburger
Elliot Yeo, Zach Merrett, Ben Cunnington
Double cheeseburgers are great, but there’s that one annoying mate – usually one who eats about three different foods like a child and refuses to expand their tastes – who won’t stop banging on about how good they are and insists it belongs at the top of the list.
They tell you that the only reason you don’t rate it more highly is because you haven’t had one. Mate, I’ve had one, it’s good, there are better burgers.
Bacon double-cheeseburger
Dayne Zorko, Luke Shuey, Travis Boak, Lachie Whitfield
It’s better than a double cheeseburger.
Rooster roll
Jordan de Goey, Michael Walters, Toby Greene, Gary Ablett, Isaac Heeney
It’s delicious, and it’s not totally out of place among the rest of the food here, but it’s not a burger.
Zinger burger
Lachie Neale
An underrated burger and especially good on the other side of a rough night. You’ll be so grateful to have it after the horrors of the recent past that you’ll cherish every last bite and, in the moment, believe it’s the best thing you’ve ever eaten. No one who saw how you were feeling earlier would hold this against you.
Lachie Neale (Chris Hyde/Getty Images)
Whopper
Clayton Oliver
One of my favourites, but the last one I had was bad and I don’t quite know what to do with it now.
Quarter pounder
Josh Kelly, Tim Kelly, Stephen Coniglio
It’s a damn, damn good burger. If you haven’t had one for a while you might even forget just how good and claim it’s the best burger. You’re not crazy, and on a good day, it’s pretty much perfect, but it’s not quite the king.
Fish-and-chip-shop burger
Nat Fyfe, Patrick Dangerfield, Dustin Martin, Marcus Bontempelli, Patrick Cripps
The king of fast-food burgers. It’s probably cheating to consider it fast food, but it’s almost always available and rarely fails to deliver. In fact, because it’s so consistently reliable, it’s easy to take it for granted.
If all the burgers were on a platter and had your pick, you’d either choose the fish-and-chip-shop burger, or you’d be wrong and disappointed.
Jack A
Guest
I hope that Yeo and Dusty go head to head again in 2 weeks. If they do Yeo will at the very, very least break even. Game on!
Jack A
Guest
Yeo just took down Cripps as I predicted before the ball was bounced. Yeo will take down Dusty (again) in 2 weeks time. Hardwick and Dusty already know this. The Tigers (and other teams) now need to weigh up the pros and cons of allowing this head to head match up to play out. It’s certainly very appealing for footy purists eg Jackovich vs Carey. If opposition coaches didn’t want Dusty, Fyfe, Cripps and Dangerfield to match up against Yeo head to head (and somwhat sacrifice their game for the team) they would device strategies to avoid the matchup and/or it’s impact on the result. These are the decisions that coaches and players must make - thus far, Yeo and WC, has taken them to the cleaners. Winners are Grinners! One factor for opposition coaches to weigh up is that WC may have too many other top quality mids eg Shuey, Gaff, Sheed, Redden, Rioli to contend with? But I suspect that these coaches back their player in to at least break even with Yeo but the fact is that Yeo consistently beats them. Yeo is a team player, they, less so! Head to head is not traditional tagging. It’s pitting one player against another and backing your man in to beat the other - Yeo wins every time that he is given this role. The goal being to restrict the impact that the opposition player has on the game while having a greater overall impact and influence yourself - Yeo has beaten Cripps, Fyfe and Dusty head to head - he’s a jet, and fish and chip burger if you will! Yeo was hard tagged in last years GF - Shuey and others got off the chain and WC won the flag - that’s team football and great strategic coaching. The reality might be that Fyfe, Dusty and Cripps (and their clubs) are too arrogant and low on man power to sacrifice their own games to minimise Yeo’s influence - so they let WC have their way and allow Yeo to beat their best player head to head? I don’t have all of the answers but it’s a fascinating sub-plot within games no doubt. Yeo is a fish and chip shop burger - Fyfe, Martin and Cripps can’t do some things that he does but he can do everything that they do!
Doctor Rotcod
Roar Rookie
That explains his down-wind speed
Graeme
Roar Rookie
Masten is a toasted bake bean sandwich. Guaranteed to give me the shits.
Klompy
Guest
A luke Shuey Bacon double beef burger. A real work horse Burger.
David Ward
Roar Guru
Good work, Adrian, funny and astute. I certainly agree with your burger venue preferences – stopped for one at a fish and chip shop in Trafalgar (I think) yesterday. So good I probably could have eaten five of them. (Cripps, Dusty, Fyfe, Bont and Danger, in that order, incidentally.)
Doctor Rotcod
Roar Rookie
Probably a result of biting off more than you can chew... Bite anyway,chew anyway. You've had 7 AFL mouthfuls (including extra bites). The two wins must have tasted sweet
Peter the Scribe
Roar Guru
very good Doc…I think I’ll have mine with some sour cream and yeah you know we havent got any teeth to eat anything too firm ????
Doctor Rotcod
Roar Rookie
With the crusts cut off? Some Maynardaise to help it go down?
Peter the Scribe
Roar Guru
What about the Dom Sheed burger? Made of the purest coolest cucumber and nothing else. No bread, no cheese, no meat. Comes with a little block of Willie Rioli on the side.
Doctor Rotcod
Roar Rookie
In my younger days, a burger was two pieces of white bread,toasted, with glorious, hot and juicy meat,fried onions and home made tomato sauce that dripped all over your hands and shirt. That's probably a Cunnington.
Klompy
Guest
How about a Luke Shuey burger. a bacon double beef burger. an absolute work horse burger.
The watcher
Guest
Yeo was the one go home player that Brisbane regret losing. Polar, Redden, Aish, crisp, Schace, Henderson, Hanley, Risscotelli, Clarke, even Beams and Rockcliffe Haven't played to a level that says we must have them. But Yeo should have been retained. He's an absolute gun.
Olrac
Guest
He is definitely a kebab, messy and delicious
Eagles 18
Roar Rookie
I'll take Yeo before Tim Kelly and Oliver any day. If Eagles played are more possession game style he would be in the fish n chips category
Goalsonly
Roar Rookie
Well when footy fans front up to a sausage sizzle the most thought of must be Mumford.
Geek O Naught
Guest
Mitch Robinson. Steak Sandwich.
IAP
Guest
Only a fast food restaurant could make a sandwich taste fake.
Stirling Coates
Editor
Great price Adrian. However next week, for the sake of my impulsive appetite, would you mind comparing defenders to salads? Or ruckmen to fruit smoothies?
Liam Salter
Roar Guru
Funny reference, but don’t disparage Subway like that. It’s glorious. There’s two Subways in Adelaide that recognise my order. When I type it out like that, it’s probably not a good thing...