Following an underwhelming start to the summer from Sri Lanka, Cricket Australia has advertised online for any opposition that can delay a screening of Lethal Weapon past 8:45 pm.
The governing body has resorted to the measure after the tourists fell alarmingly short in the opening T20 fixtures, sparking fears of a disastrous summer that could result in low ratings, or worse, a 100-ball format brainstormed by millennials.
The move continues Cricket Australia’s shift towards the online classifieds space following its advertisement for a selector through Seek, a move that proudly achieved its brief of finding anyone provided it wasn’t a Chappell brother.
Administrators are hopeful of saving the summer with a “charismatic opponent” that can be parachuted in at short notice to either “arrest the sport’s demise towards a tragic existence inside deep cable and cavernous stadia”, or “at least cover until the Big Bash starts.”
With the Sri Lanka series to be followed by a touring Pakistan side that travels as formidably as an ice cream cake in the tropics, the governing body is acting after finding itself in the parlous state of relying on New Zealand for public interest.
One insider also claims Cricket Australia is even considering suing the touring sides, however this is not for losses incurred due to underwhelming performance, but because they’re not India or England.
This could set a precedent that outlaws other under-performing entities from working in Australia again, potentially resulting in embargoes for outfits like the West Indies, South Africa and Usman Khawaja.
(Lindsey Parnaby / AFP / Getty Images)
The search for a better replacement falls in line with CA’s charter of restoring the glory years of summer past, a time when the national team was so transcendental it resulted in sold-out venues and Damien Martyn being followed on Twitter by Donald Trump.
Contingency plans for replacing this summer’s touring sides began the moment Cricket Australia executives agreed to allow them tour, with a number of options canvassed as better equipped to play international cricket like an Australia A side, PM’s XI, or Siri.
CA are hopeful of tapping in to the same market that responded to its advertised role for a selector, mainly for the convenience of using “pre-existing data” and because “we’d actually consider a team of blokes from pubs and comments sections.”
Advertising for a “challenging rival” that can meet specific key indicators such as “landing one”, the tender offers applicants to tour Australia “until the next Ashes”, before iterating that “if you’re keen for an Ashes we could be up for that too, if you’ve got the Euros.”
The advert then sets out further essential criteria that must be met by the applicant, such as being ICC registered, chockers with television money and not Bangladesh.
Much like its selection principles, Cricket Australia will pick the new opposition with zero application of essential criteria or logic, before advising all failed applicants via a news piece and forcing them on long tours carrying out eternal 12th man duties.
CA have acknowledged the bold nature of advertising for new opponents amid a summer contractually agreed years ago, however it claims severe action is required to protect its product from evil competitors like basketball and Sheffield Shield.
Despite the logistical challenges of organising a full-blown replacement tour before 7 pm tonight, one administrator is confident of a rapid resolution after boasting a proud record that includes “rushing through the bat flip at 12 hours’ notice.”
While acknowledging the potential for another apathetic summer of uncompetitive touring sides and its possible contribution to international cricket’s further demise, he then claimed, “we can always just extend the BBL through winter.”
Greg
Roar Pro
why dont Australia ever play Australia A anymore. I feel like it would be better entertainment then watching the Australian team beat up a minnow nation on flat decks. They used to occasionally play when I was a kid and not only did it provide some high quality matches but it also meant the casual (or somewhere between casual and hardcore) cricket fans knew all the players (as they were all Australian) and captured their imagination with who can directly pressure others for a place in the team. It gives fringe players in the A team greater exposure to quality opposition and the chance to develop relationships with players and CA staff that may help them transition into the top team in the future.
Gee
Roar Rookie
Leave the Lethal Weapon reruns alone, I bet the 70th showing of Riggs at 11 o'clock on Channel 9 outrated any cricket game Fox has ever shown.
Insult_2_Injury
Roar Rookie
We're increasingly being told kids are short form fans, ODI at best, so unless Mum and Dad are the minority in Australia and have pay tv, then CA is shooting itself in the foot and deliberately restricting their exposure to future players by accepting a pay heavy tv rights deal. No doubt they, like most other big companies, have done their research and believe pay is the future, but after 15 years behind the sky tv wall in Britian the ECB has now sanctioned a highlights package on FTA trying to cash in on the WC and Stokes Ashes Test. The tv dollar is all very well, 'til you don't have an audience invested in the game enough to want to watch. It'll be interesting how long it takes to rebuild the base with greater numbers of hero worshipping kids wanting to play in the school ground and junior comps, because as of the WC the cricketer most Poms could name was a decade long retiree, Freddie Flintoff. Surely there's a lesson in there for CA.
Joshua Kerr
Roar Guru
Great article Dane. I think things are going to get better when the Aussies play Pakistan as Pakistan are quite highly ranked in T20s (I don't know if they're still number 1 but they were not so long ago). Sri Lanka were just abysmal and were only just finding their feet in the final match today but their team still isn't up to scratch. However, we shouldn't stop playing them as we need to continue giving all nations the opportunity to play so that we don't just get England, India and Australia playing each other in an eternal tri-series. I'll try and see if I can find an XI before the deadline...
Joshua Kerr
Roar Guru
True but the Australians were slightly lost without Bancroft, Smith and Warner. Will be interesting to see how the test side performs against Pakistan later this month now the band is back together (sans Bancroft).
DaveJ
Roar Rookie
Good stuff but satire a bit wide of the mark in including South Africa in suggesting “ embargoes for outfits like the West Indies, South Africa and Usman Khawaja.”. South Africa have been by far the best Test team away from home over the past decade, with 8 series wins and 3 drawn, including two wins here (Australia). Australia have only managed five wins and two drawn series over that period, with only one win against one of the top sides (vs SA in 2014).
DaveJ
Roar Rookie
But Pakistan are no.1 ranked T20 team, and Sri Lanka just beat them 3-0, so it’s all hard to figure!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Cheers Paul, explained it for me beautifully. CA and bedfellows definitely the intended target here. Just had to lightly clip the tourists on the way through to make the point. In saying this, refuse to yield that all three are libelous for not being India
Paul
Roar Guru
hi Bob, I read this piece a few times after seeing your comment and the only real disrespect I found was against Cricket Australia. Sri Lanka have proven to be underwhelming opponents in this series, but CA has also done no-one any favours by only having these games on PPV and apparently not really advertising these games. Pakistan have also not traveled well, being very beatable away from the UAE & Dubai, especially with a side that was beaten badly at home in a recent T20 series. I respect your take on this piece, but I'm only suggesting the "target" is not the cricketers, but the organisers.
Christov
Guest
No interest in a series which is only exclusively on pay tv. I would have thought about heading to the gabba but saw no advertising around the series at all (probably because it was not on FTA or on YT) so it is CA own fault that there is no interest in it. Cricket will become like rugby - unwatched by the majority of Australian's with reducing income coming in. I think CA has done cricket fans a dis-service by their current TV deal but that's merely my opinion
Wayne
Roar Guru
Everything is behind the paywall (short of Tests), and Australia used to be rubbish at the T20 format for a long stretch; only recently finding strong form
Insult_2_Injury
Roar Rookie
Does pay tv show lethal weapon on their dedicated cricket channel, because CA accepted a rights deal which said only Test cricket wouldn't be behind a pay wall.
AJ
Roar Rookie
Harsh on Pakistan, who could provide a good contest. Also, the New Zealand side of the last couple of years might be in the conversation as their best side ever. We're not unbeatable at home anyway - you just have to look at the India series last year.
dungerBob
Roar Rookie
More than just a bit disrespectful there Dane. After reading this a part of me wants to see Sri Lanka then Pakistan kick our arses black and blue. .. Some will find this article funny I guess but there's not a single chuckle anywhere in it for me.