The ultimate rig-based cricket team

What is considered ‘good nick’ for an athlete? Is body shape alone a good indicator of ‘fitness’? Do you need to look like a superhero to play at Marvel Stadium? Seriously, isn’t sport 90 per cent mental?

Roarers seem to be all over lists at the moment as we don’t have fresh scores to dissect, so why buck the trend.

Here’s an international cricket team which, by name or nature, might train like a Hemsworth but look like a Kenworth.

Mark Taylor
An underrated opener with a triple century to his name, ‘Tubby’ had an excellent captaincy record and is one of seven skippers in this side.

An exceptional first slip, Taylor was also an excellent man-manager and with the egos in this side, he’s the cool head needed.

David Boon
Boonie was the heir apparent to weight jibes as Greg ‘Fat Cat’ Ritchie struggled to keep a Test spot. ‘The Keg on Legs’ was famously reported as having the lowest skin fold test of the Aussie side, when such things were an obsession of the sporting press.

With a sublime cut shot and archetypal short leg reputation, he could open or bat three.

Inzamam-ul-Haq
If there was ever a batsman other than Inzi who made a spectator question how long you were allowed to take getting to and from the wicket, I can’t think of one.

He seemed to do everything in slow motion. Maybe he was conserving energy, like for his 329 against New Zealand in a cauldron at Lahore in 2001.

Mike Gatting
The recipient of the ‘Ball of the Century’ can’t be blamed for lack of reflexes or fitness, he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The former England captain only played 79 Tests across 17 years and took 54 innings to post his first century and he only averaged 35, but frankly, with every player down to nine with a Test ton, ‘Fat Gatt’ will fill a spot.

Warwick Armstrong
The ‘Big Ship’ had a career tyhat equates to about 2.5 Tests a year, but in the early 1900s players had to effectively give up work for six months or more to take a slow boat to England.

No early literature commends Armstrong for a daily regimen of laps around the cruiseliner, so the comparison with his transport seems logical. Pretty useful number five with a 159* and 6-35 to his name.

Arjuna Ranatunga
Most cricket fans have heard the Mars Bar anecdote – ironic in hindsight if you consider Shane Warne in his heyday and Ian Healy in the commentary box.

Still, you couldn’t ask for a bigger maverick at six. The Sri Lankan never seemed to encounter a controversy he didn’t enjoy and used to motivate himself and his fledgling Test nation.

Ian Botham
This team isn’t going to suffer from having ‘Beefy’ opening the bowling, as he was swift as a calf and with sideways movement.

He covers for some deficiencies in the top order with the bat, much as Ben Stokes does today. Thankfully there’s plenty of captaincy choices.

Rodney Marsh
Australian wicketkeeping record-holder during his 14-year international career, despite early criticism for hard hands and slow feet.

‘Iron Gloves’ had many iconic performances, including his brutal pull shots in the Centenary Test – where he notched up a ton – one-handed horizontal catches, and shaking his head and saying “no mate” as Trevor Chappell bowled underarm.

WG Grace
I’m sure the Doctor would expect to bat at three, but he’s not selecting this team and there are far better cricketers in this team to “come to watch”. Anyway, the DRS would sort his ego out now.

His rig obviously gets him a saunter here and while he played on uncovered wickets, they did have the benefit of preparing a new track mid-match – his figures still aren’t anything to write home about.

WG Grace (Public domain)

Shane Warne
Where have you been? You’ve seen the photos and read the diuretics stories. With Botham, Warney is one of the two undoubted matchwinners capable of changing a game by force of will as well as sheer talent.

Fred Trueman
“Strong as an ox and thick through the hindquarters” was a description of stocky Trueman that paid tribute to his stamina, bowling 20-odd overs every innings with the same pace at the end as the beginning and an exceptional strike rate of 49.4. Test wicket holder at the end of his career, ‘Firey Fred’ had an ego easily matching his fellow bowlers.

A handy team with flashes of brilliance. The arguments at the team meetings surely would centre around who’s going to field on the fence!

It wouldn’t be a surprise to see eight slips and a short leg when Trueman’s bowling. That’d no doubt suit his ego, too.

Still, many a team of Adonises would be undone by this XI.