The return of rugby league is a timid racoon and we mustn't startle it away

Sweet, satiating footy is now so close, yet still so precariously out of reach.

We must remain calm and keep trying to trap it like a feral pest, patiently enticing it forth with nuts and TV money, even despite its potential litany of disease.

So far, the 2020 NRL season has been chockers with the game’s hallmarks; eyes-up plays, block moves, persistent line breaks and second efforts, and what enjoyable Zoom calls these have been.

Thankfully though, the return of actual rugby league is nearly here, and not before time. We, the starved rugby league public, have grown so malnourished that we’ll take anything, even if its Ray Hadley commentating like an auction.

But being the NRL, many things could still go wrong before May 28th, and probably will.

There could be a positive test, logistical roadblocks, cranky regional councillors, and that’s before we even consider the greatest risk to footy’s return, another preseason.

This means everyone involved has a part to play in ensuring the game’s safe premature return – that’s players, coaches, fans, and even the nefarious virus that has engulfed the game, the broadcasters.

Firstly, coronavirus. Granted, you’ve been relatively well-behaved of late, but you remain untrustworthy. Like aromatic carbs and other notable distractions, stay out of the nasal passages of bored footballers.

And let your mate influenza know if he’s around those anti-vaxxers on the Gold Coast to wash his hands and stay safe.

Fans; if you haven’t already, please accept this competition will be weird and unfair. For example, the New Zealand Warriors are from Tamworth now, and more oddly, have been welcomed with more gratitude than 1995 and those years they kept braining the Storm.

In addition, someone is going to cop the rough end of the pineapple with the draw, and it will probably be you or the Tigers. International footy will also suffer with the cancellation of the Kangaroo Tour, and maybe even some formats the NRL want to keep.

(Matt King/Getty Images)

To the players; you have been forgiven for almost derailing the competition with your selfish concerns. But thankfully, you overcame your trivial worries about livelihoods, infection risks, and being separated from loved ones and how you’ll cope with this time away from your agent.

But please, don’t succumb to temptation. While life will be free of its usual dangerous stimuli, it only takes one to fashion his own nightclub from lounge cushions and grope himself to trigger another six months of ‘Top 20’ lists.

Broadcasters – stop biffing over trivialities, and whether or not the NRL can run its own online media arm. You have no leg to stand on after broadcasting an hour of Matt Johns reading out the newspaper live on air.

To the journalists, try something wildly different when the footy recommences by reporting on footy. On a similar note, can Phil Rothfield stop finding his ‘Spotteds’ from social media. Nothing to do with the coronavirus lockdown, just general advice.

All of you have important roles to play because much rides on this – not only for rugby league, but also that most marginalised section of society, men.

A life without footy has seen fulfilling weekends with family become routine, with quality time reading to our children punctuated with time working on those projects we’ve been putting off. Frankly, it has been gruelling.

But we’ll be fine as long as we stick to type, and blame it all on the referees.

Let’s gently coax the rugby league raccoon, and stroke it upon its hopeful return. But be careful not to overindulge – while it’s hard to believe, you can have too much Braith Anasta.