There’s been a lot of talk lately about the best way forward for Australian rugby teams in terms of a Trans-Tasman competition, given that early results in this year’s tournament have been eerily akin to watching a silverback gorilla repeatedly slamming a chihuahua’s head in a car door.
The question of how to maintain strong Trans-Tasman competition while avoiding chronic depression among Australian players is a vexed one, but I think I have come up with an elegant solution. Here then is my model for a new Trans-Tasman Super Rugby premiership, hopefully to begin in 2022, if I get approval from RA and Alan Jones.
The structure is fairly simple: the competition will be made up of the five currently existing Australian teams, and the five current New Zealand teams. But there will be some tweaks to the rules regarding team rosters:
- Australian clubs will have a maximum of 45 players on their books at any one time, while New Zealand teams will be allowed up to 17.
- Australian clubs will be allowed up to five New Zealand players on their roster. New Zealand clubs can likewise have five Australian players in their teams, but only in the event of a serious breach of the rules that would merit such a serious punishment.
The on-field rules will be adjusted slightly as well: whereas in the past yellow cards were shown to players who committed acts of dangerous play, in the new competition each NZ team will have to nominate three players to receive automatic yellow cards before the game. This will mean they start the game with only 12 players, which will assist in the cause of equalisation.
(Photo by Dave Rowland/Getty Images)
By the same token, any Australian player shown a yellow card will not be sent from the field, but will be required to think very hard about what he’s done. If an Australian player receives a red card, he will be allowed to stay on the field, but will have to wear a special red shirt so everyone knows he’s been bad.
If a New Zealand player receives a red card, he will be required to sign with an Australian team.
The draw will remain basically as it is now, except that Australian teams will play each other four times every year, and play each New Zealand team only once, if they feel up to it. A win will be worth four points, but a win by an Australian team over a New Zealand team will be worth 12. A win by a New Zealand team over an Australian one will be, as it is now, worthless.
All games will be played at Concord Oval.
So as not to exhaust Australian players unnecessarily, all games will be 30 minutes long, except for games between New Zealand teams, which will be 180 minutes long and played on cement.
(Photo by Jono Searle/Getty Images)
The finals format will be streamlined: the top four Australian teams will play each other, and whichever one comes out on top will play the fifth-placed New Zealand team for the right to play in the grand final, which the top-ranked New Zealand team must decipher a series of cryptic clues to discover the time and location of. If the fifth-ranked New Zealand team defeats the top-ranked Australian team, the grand final will be cancelled due to coronavirus.
Obviously not everyone will be on board with this format, so I have devised an alternative system, whereby the New Zealand teams play among themselves to determine the champion in that country, while the Australian teams go out for pizza and ice cream and try to feel good about themselves.
Either way, you know?
Zakaia Cvitanovich
Guest
Love it.
Ben Pobjie
Expert
To be honest the only way to get his approval in reality would be a Goodbye Lenin style arrangement where an elaborate infrastructure is built to convince him that he is the Wallabies coach again.
Ben Pobjie
Expert
I mean, if you can suggest a way in which anything I write *would* fix Australian rugby, I will write it.
Phantom
Roar Rookie
Great piece of work. I suggest that you base the kiwi teams out of town and then make them jog to the ground on match day due to a bus strike.
Jake 1331
Roar Rookie
Tongue in cheek maybe is best way for this farce of a competition…Because of course the kiwis have to have 5 sides for their master plan … You don’t need to be Einstein to work out NZ has more talent than Oz… so 5 teams each … it’s just silly … and if NZ won’t add more teams and we want more that 3 which is reasonable to have some type of footprint I think we need to go another way without NZ.. At the end of the day you need a competitive competition, improvement and master plan is only interesting to rugby nerds like us in this page but it ain’t going to succeed in the real sporting market.
The Late News
Roar Rookie
Gees...that is nearly as funny as the article Hayboy!
Pinetree
Roar Rookie
Yep, sounds cunning. but don't underestimate our talent depth and ability to sabotage the other teams from the inside...and with that we will rule the world,
PinkyNews...MichaelJ0
Roar Rookie
I would add that should the New Zealand team win the Grand Final they would then have to pull up stumps and relocate to Australia and become an Australian side. That said same team would then, obviously, lose every game against their New Zealand rivals.
RobC
Roar Guru
10/10
Brett McKay
Expert
And yet among all these clearly top-notch suggestions Ben, it's still feels like the hardest one to achieve will be Alan Jones' approval...
Rhino11
Roar Rookie
Brilliant Ben. Perhaps the Aussie SR teams can also start the game 15 mins before their kiwi oppositions. Seems only fair!
Armchair Halfback
Roar Rookie
Nice Ben! Another stipulation should be that all referees, assistant referees and TMO should be Australian.... :laughing:
Muglair
Roar Rookie
What? He has a heart attack? Not very nice there I am going home :cricket:
Chas
Roar Rookie
Thanks Ben
The Late News
Roar Rookie
See Pinetree that's the inbuilt genius here. If the Red carded players have to wear red jerseys then sign for Aussie teams...then we would gain the Crusaders en masse. Quite cunning actually...
The Late News
Roar Rookie
I reckon the Crusaders would easily make the RWC quarter finals!
The Late News
Roar Rookie
Maaaate! How did I NOT see that? Brilliant!!
hayboy
Roar Rookie
Thought this was a serious article until I got to the comments.
Ducky
Guest
Usually paid for by a dole cheque I’m guessing Jacko? Just kidding :stoked:
Stu B.
Guest
An excellent format, re the yellow card for Aus teams, wouldn't that be worse than suspension? (expecting them to think about somthing) maybe a little unfair!