OK, so Eddie Jones has reaffirmed his total commitment to Australian rugby and made it clear that he has never even heard of a country called “Japan”, and anyway he doesn’t own a computer so he can’t have ever used Zoom.
That’s great news. But the fact is that sooner or later Eddie will be gone. It might happen before next season. It might happen after Australia wins/fails to win/misses the bus and doesn’t turn up to the 2027 World Cup. It might happen in 2040 when Eddie is dragged bodily from RA headquarters after a decade-long siege.
But one way or another, it’s going to happen. And Australia has to be prepared for a post-Eddie future. Lack of planning has crippled Australian rugby in the past, so it’s imperative that we get it right this time. It’s time to lay down the non-negotiable requirements for the next Wallabies coach. The following is a list of attributes that the next coach MUST have, if Australia is to return to its once much-envied status of having a rugby team that could be reasonably confident of breaking even in an under-12s tournament.
The next Wallabies coach…
Must not be Eddie Jones
This really is crucial. The biggest mistake Rugby Australia could make, once Eddie Jones has left his post, is to hire Eddie Jones again. Whether this requires a complete cleanout of the RA board, or just some kind of all-day seminar for the current members, the message needs to be hammered home to the administration: if, after Eddie leaves, he immediately walks back in again and says, “Can I be the coach”, remember to say NO. And be vigilant: do not allow Eddie Jones to sneak back in in disguise. Don’t feel awkward or embarrassed to ask the suspiciously tall and unstable applicant to remove his trenchcoat before the interview, to make sure he is not just Phil Waugh standing on Eddie Jones’s shoulders.
Wallabies head coach Eddie Jones speaks to the media during a Rugby Australia press conference at Coogee Oval on October 17, 2023 in Sydney, Australia. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
Ask the hard questions of the prospective coach with the enormous fake nose and moustache. And above all, if a mysterious stranger asks you to sign a birthday card for Sharon at reception, LOOK AT IT FIRST to make sure it IS a birthday card and a not a ten-year contract for Eddie Jones to coach the Wallabies.
Must know how to select a good team
One of the biggest problems for the Wallabies this year is that in almost every game, when given the choice between selecting a good team and a bad team, Eddie Jones chose the latter. Why? Who knows. But if we’re honest, it’s been a constant problem for Australian coaches for the last 20 years. Innumerable times, they have selected a bad team, full of bad players, even though conventional wisdom suggests that more rugby games are won by good teams than bad ones. It’s time to find a coach who will not succumb to the temptation to experiment, and will choose good teams.
Must know how to coach rugby
In many ways, coaching rugby is one of the main jobs of a rugby coach. An exhaustive interview process will ensure that Australia gets a coach who knows how to coach rugby. Questions like, “Is falling over in a lineout good or bad?” and “How much of a training session should be devoted to practising moves from set pieces, and how much should be devoted to learning how to give away penalties while in possession?” will help weed out those who are less suited to the task.
David Porecki of the Wallabies warms up during the The Rugby Championship & Bledisloe Cup match between the Australia Wallabies and the New Zealand All Blacks at Melbourne Cricket Ground on July 29, 2023 in Melbourne, Australia. (Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)
Must be a good man-manager
In the modern game it is not enough to simply scream orders at the players and brand them with hot irons if they disobey. That’s part of it, sure, but you also need to tailor your approach to individual players and try not to make them want to kill you. The board should seek a candidate with the admittedly rare blend of psychological insight and personal hygiene that means few, if any, of the Test squad are tempted to fake injuries or auto-immune diseases to get out of training.
Must have attended at least one rugby game in their life
This really is a necessary condition for employment as Wallabies coach. Ideally they should have to show their ticket.
Must do everything that rugby journalists and commentators tell them to do
One of the most important attributes in a leader is the ability to listen to good advice, and there is no better advice than that offered by the Australian rugby commentariat. It should be written into the next Australian coach’s contract that whenever an employee of any media outlet offers an opinion on what they should do, they must do it immediately. The urgency of this requirement is shown by studies that have proven that obeying the wishes of commentators would have seen Australia win the last five World Cups.
Must be able to completely overhaul the structure of Australian rugby and implement a grassroots-up system and foolproof pipeline of juniors to senior international players that is the envy of all other nations in no more than six months
This is, frankly, the least we should be expecting.
Must sign a loyalty oath specifying that they will never sign, pursue, meet with, talk to or look at anyone who has ever played rugby league
It’s time to go cold turkey. It would be preferable if the next coach were entirely ignorant of rugby league’s existence, but realistically the best we can hope for is just they pretend it doesn’t exist for the length of their tenure.
Must have at least ten years’ experience coaching a winning international rugby team
We can have neither losers nor rookies in this vital post. The next Australian coach must have, for at least the past decade, been in charge of an international rugby team with a 90% or better winning record. I won’t pretend this kind of coach will be easy to find, but even if we have to scour the ranks of every Shute Shield club, it has to be done.
Must be comfortable with being sacked
The next Australian coach will almost certainly be sacked less than halfway through their term, so make sure we don’t hire a crybaby.
ThugbyFan
Roar Guru
Rohan, its great to hear of people in the rugby heartlands still putting their time and effort into the game. Congratulation and may there be many more to keep this great game going. As for your comment .....future worth and value there might have had been in an RA and/or Brumbies and/or Waratahs presence on the ground – surely they could’ve managed to put together a marquee and sausage sizzle between the three of them!, my immediate response was to snort out "and if Pigs Fly!". Do any of the Shore clique, AKA the RA board, have maps or GPS systems that work beyond North of Eastern suburbs? Here is a fine article from the boys of Betoota Advocate regarding RA attitude to "mixing with the plebs". :laughing: https://www.betootaadvocate.com/sports/wallabies-selectors-arrive-bearing-gifts-in-first-ever-public-school-visit/ I LUV the nice photo of Chairman Hamster McLennan wearing his HAZMAT suit as he mingles with the great unwashed. His final sentence in the Betoota Advocate story also had me rolling in the aisles. It was " .. given the pleasant reception we were met with today… We are considering a continuation of this kind of philanthropy" “Whatever we can do to keep these kids off the streets and out of prison”.
ThugbyFan
Roar Guru
InFrom, I have always wondered if your last comment immediately get rid of players who show the slightest dissent with their plans and strategies (If they have any). points to the real reason why Q.Cooper, P.Samu, M.Hooper and L.Ikitau were not even selected in the RWC23 squad. Coach E.Jones excuses of injuries were just pure BS considering the number of passengers that made the squad. Gawd, even the "golden child" from the Tahs got a seat on the plane despite barely able to walk. If Jones has any empathy for Aussie rugby, he would hold a press conference and admit that he has simply lost the plot and immediately quit to take up bonsai growing in Osaka. And the boofhead Hamster McLennan, who employed Jones without due diligence, can follow Jones out the door.
ThugbyFan
Roar Guru
Would love to have Stephen Crichton playing union, but why pay millions for a leaguie to stand around watching the forwards go backwards or cough up the pill every 3rd run or incur multiple penalties on their attack rucks. Other bloggers here have the right idea: instead of wasting millions for a league back who may or may not be a success (S.Vunivalu anyone??), use the coin to start programs to spot and nurture forwards talent throughout the land. :stoked:
Kikki
Roar Rookie
Agree! Look to the Brumby process! Success, stability, strong culture!?
Guess
Roar Rookie
Scheming face
Guess
Roar Rookie
No coaches with crazy eyes and smile
4 of 6
Roar Rookie
The Wallabies have been crap under Eddie Jones, in fact worse than crap. Under DR the Wallabies actually got a few good results and got close on more than a few occasions. Are the playing stock that bad in Oz ? Firstly you need approximately 30 to 35 players , and there will be a mix of players at various stages of their career…..why you say, will just don’t listen to Eddie. That blend is critical in developing the team. Oz actually have the players necessary to be competitive…..give me a coach that has coached teams with limited stock and has a proven track record……Jamie Joseph and Tony Brown…..only problem is RA are a basket case, that we all know and can not be relied upon. Will another idea trashed.
Jacko
Roar Rookie
Hopefully no ones balls got burnt. :laughing: :laughing:
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
Regeneration, bush, farm and town. It all starts in the dirt.
The Hen
Roar Rookie
It’s a fools gold this Australian Way myth. We need to find a winning way, then that becomes our way…. Not the other way around.
Rohan
Roar Rookie
Yep KCOL, there were some very talented and athletic kids who will soon be making choices about their preferred code. I might have managed to persuade one or two about the joy of rugby but who knows. One could be a classic front rower, the other a future Wallaroo back (if the Matildas don't get her first). The countryside was green. There's still moisture in the soil and the dams are still pretty full. The grassroots of rugby appear similarly fertile, but of course, need nurturing to show fruit. Sadly RA doesn't get it hands down in the dirt.
Fiordla d
Roar Rookie
Rennie is an outstanding coach, obviously he's not going to go near the place but someone like him that isn't desperate to be the performer.
Ben Pobjie
Expert
Or dragging them
Ben Pobjie
Expert
They have a better lineout than we do
Ben Pobjie
Expert
Apparently there are literal Ashes that exist for Aus-NZ soccer.
Bowie
Roar Rookie
If you look at the French , Irish even the Panthers they all know how to pass a ball , roll the hips etc but in Australian rugby .not so . Why not . Coaches ?
DaveJ
Roar Rookie
For mine, we need to think a little more outside the box. I’d go back to the idea in the constitution about federating with NZ and having an Australasian team. Name it after the biggest (and most nervous ) animal in both countries - the Black Sheep? Of course we’d have to reserve a quota of, say, three places for Aussies in the 23-man sheep team, but surely worth it for the glory? As a token of good faith, I’m all in for our Pacific sheep brothers for the rest of RWC 2023.
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
I will write with more respect :silly: . Did you have a favourite position?
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
Sounds like a great day Rohan. I honestly don’t think that Australian rugby has had an honest, mature and unfiltered look at its liabilities and assets, the main asset being ‘kids who want a game’.
JeffRo
Roar Pro
Great article! The role of Wallabies coach, while being a tough gig over the last decade or, certainly has has some qualities to attract top candidates. Team at a low end, in the top 10, but could/should/would be top 5. So real room to improve. In super rugby, a level below test footy, that's, while maybe not the best anymore, but still a strong comp. A Lion's tour in two years and hosting the next WC. I know, as roarers indicate, there are issues in union in Australia, but the next 4 years should be a fantastic time to be involved in the code in Australia. And maybe add the Graham Henry/Steve Hansen criteria to the coach checklist- No dickheads!