The Parramatta Eels have concluded their internal review in to season 2018, with the report to be handed to the coroner in coming days.
Following another routine year of catastrophe, the investigation was mandated by club officials who decided it was time to be proactive and draw the line after 30 years of sheer misery.
A spokesperson confirmed the remit of the enquiry was to “assess ourselves against elite organisations and personnel to ensure the Eels move forward with the appropriate staffing, systems and resources in place to ensure we never recruit Kieran Foran again.”
The review also sought to pinpoint how Parramatta earned one top-four finish in 12 years, and what the hell went wrong in the year they did.
However, the spokesperson stressed the review was not a ‘witch hunt’, despite everything being Jarryd Hayne’s fault.
Fans and officials welcomed the enquiry, with most thrilled the club could finally conduct an investigation not directed under a Crown prosecution.
The Eels appointed a team of specialists to carry out the audit – two expensive jargonites with impressively embossed business cards – who launched a deep probe in to the club’s string of shocking one-off disasters including the salary cap scandal, criminal consorting, the 2001 grand final, Chris Sandow, and 1987 to present.
Brad Arthur tries to squint the pain away. (AAP Image/Brendan Esposito)
The enquiry resulted in a raft of recommendations, all mostly involving the abduction of Peter Sterling and Denis Fitzgerald, or any other pair willing to form a new halves combination for under $1.6 million per annum.
The findings also returned positive outcomes for coach Brad Arthur, except for the part suggesting the club to “be more like Penrith”.
This proposal will see Parramatta enthusiastically back Arthur to the hilt, right up until such time someone better presents or when he produces an Origin calibre son.
With the Eels losing six games this year by six points or less, Arthur will also be afforded a team of support coaches in a bid to turn those close losses in to even closer losses.
This will see a junior coaching director appointed to address the club’s rampant abandonment rate, with the brief to retain a single junior by the year 2090, even if its just a ball boy.
A specialist “attacking spine” coach will be also appointed to keep Mitchell Moses and Corey Norman from attacking each other’s spine.
The review also recommended a streamlining of operations with the severing of the ten year tie with Wentworthville, who were identified as a chief reason the club stopped winning in the 80’s.
This development will lead to the club fielding a new team in 2019; an NRL side, the club’s first in almost a year.
Superspud
Roar Rookie
If you were purpose building an area for a Rugby League club to flourish then it would look a lot like Parramatta. Lots of junior players with a well run Junior League, a successful leagues club and good avenues available for corporate support. All of these are present yet the result is 4 premierships in 70 years. You can also throw their western neighbours into the mix as well who have just 2 in over 50 years. On the Simpsons quotes I have one for Des. " Mmmm that will be a problem for future Homer"
Tom G
Guest
They need to hold a seance and channel Jack Gibson every round.. it’s be less futile than waiting for Arthur to get results... break out the Ouija Board
Chris.P.Bacon
Guest
"Look! Mitchell Moses lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!”
Jack
Guest
"As your new manager, I want to say this up front-- No one is assured a spot in the starting 13. I don't care if you're Peter Sterling or Jarryd Hayne or... Brad, what's one of the bad players' names? Corey Norman, sir."
Mike
Guest
"Stop, stop! You're killing them! *sobbing* They're already d-dead"
The Barry
Roar Guru
“Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
Dante Barcenilla
Guest
Who is the "attacking spine coach" to help Moses and Norman as per mentioned?
Chuznut
Roar Rookie
"Now it's time for the easiest part of any CEO's job... the cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you."
Nat
Roar Guru
“I see you’ve played knifey spooney before.”
Chris.P.Bacon
Guest
“Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the Eels. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order: Arthur, Brad. That is all.” – Horst
14-12
Guest
"I thought the Eels were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it!"
Big Daddy
Guest
Darn kidnappers. They left Fitzgerald on the doorstep of the club I am a member of and made him a director. They actually paid money to return him.
Paul
Roar Guru
I dunno why they spent money on this review when the answer to their prayers is - the new Stadium. A completely under performing team will reach dizzy heights once they get back to the new ground. Their string of victories will be put down to the review, a revamped attitude and Brad Arthur will get a life time contract with the Eels - either that or they'll have something else to blame apart from Jarrod Hayne
kk
Roar Pro
Gurr Blimey Dane, I think the answer lies in the soil, upon which the grass will grow at the new temple under construction. It is imperative that Parra have a team to do it justice otherwise it will be a Temple of Doom and the coroner will have a full house. Disciplined R & R with emphasis on value for money would be a start. Anyone got John Monie's number?
The Barry
Roar Guru
Dear Brad Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you
Nat
Roar Guru
“Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”
Forty Twenty
Roar Rookie
'Ding Dong the witch is dead' said Jack Gibson when the Eels won their first title last century. The witch hunters might be required again. They might need to hunt down the person sticking needles in voodoo dolls of any halves the Eels recruit as well.
BA Sports
Roar Guru
The Simpsons quote that comes to mind when I read most of this stuff is; Mr Burns: "This is a 1,000 monkeys working on 1,000 type writers. Soon they will have written the greatest novel known to man.... (reads monkeys work) It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times! - You stupid monkey"
The Barry
Roar Guru
Like Homer’s mini golf putting advice: “Keep your head down, follow through” [Bart putts and misses] “Okay, that didn't work. This time, move your head and don't follow through”