There existed a time when Cricket Australia was in touch with reality. Now the organisation is guided by marketing millennials with single-eared headsets, ponytails and a selection policy based on anything but runs and ability.
But never fear, this apocalyptic destruction of the game by CA is actually hugely convenient.
Years of shifty selection protocol has left Australia’s batting stocks bare. It is just like that old fishing trawler in the movies that empties it’s net after a long search, only to return a boot, a licence plate and Cameron White.
This is because all the country’s capable batsmen are now either black-listed, intolerable or non-existent – and frankly, it’s bloody awesome.
Australia’s complete lack of options and a future means we – the tired, long-suffering public – can finally stop agonising over replacements because there are none.
Some will deny we are impoverished, but these people are delusional from agonising, or worse, probably just an employee of Cricket Australia. They are likely to believe other fanciful things exist too, like Santa and the Sheffield Shield.
For proof, just look at Shane Warne and his dwindling pool of friends to endorse.
A man who can usually push 6-8 barrows at once, Warne now modestly survives lobbying for three things: Marcus Stoinis, D’Arcy Short, and his latest book ‘No Spin’. He believes any of the three should replace Aaron Finch. It is only inevitable he calls for Sam Newman to bat at four.
For the unscarred, this origami of contradictory selection principles from Australia’s hierarchy have left the following conundrums:
David Warner and Steve Smith are our premium commodities, but they are serving time. Matt Wade is seeing balloons, but he has no table manners.
Matt Renshaw, Joe Burns and Glenn Maxwell have all committed crimes we don’t know about, and despite scoring runs they can’t bang down the door through the weight of the only relevant currency, that being lineage.
(Photo by Mark Nolan/Getty Images)
As for the rest, they haven’t had dinner at Justin Langer’s house.
On the other hand, we get Marcus Labuschagne because the SCG last turned sometime before he was born. Plus we all know how suspect Indian batsmen are to spin, especially when it’s part-time.
CA rationalises his selection with assurances he’s made huge strides while sidelined during the Big Bash, and he is apparently primed to advance his game to the next level after learning the run-out rule.
Then there’s Finch, who was granted a healthy run despite harbouring a tiny technical shortcoming against the ball, which sees him struggle when it’s red.
As you can see, what we need is unavailable, and what’s available should be unavailable, unless you like blokes you haven’t heard of or who average 28. So let’s all put up our feet and quit agonising over finding a capable side and leave it in Cricket Australia’s capable hands.
To Trevor Hohns and his selection panel: we thank you for serving with distinction and a blindfold, and for dutifully holding the company line in the face of evil doubters and their lying data.
Rellum
Roar Guru
So according to Deno's list the top 6 should be Joe Burns David Warner Usman Khawaja Steve Smith Glenn Maxwell Matthew Wade
Karshy
Roar Rookie
Change.org currently has one that is starting to gather a bit of support. https://www.change.org/p/cricket-australia-select-new-selectors-for-australian-cricket
Leebola
Roar Rookie
Cutting, and not the Ben or shot variety. A chuckle in these dark times. Dean Jones agrees – check out the table at the bottom of this Fairfax article – head-in-hands-weeping stuff: https://www.canberratimes.com.au/sport/cricket/enough-is-enough-the-mystery-of-australian-selection-20190103-p50pcp.html
john
Guest
We could live in hope that Jarryd Hayne has a dream of playing test cricket one day there's some untapped potential right there.
Dave
Guest
Australian cricket batters should take a look at there work ethic attitude, how can a bowler come out and make runs ? Stand up and be a man!.....
VivGilchrist
Roar Rookie
Pretty average actually
Carlin
Roar Rookie
Nope not at all. I have been genuinely impressed by him so far in the BBL. In saying that that’s the only format I have seen him bowl as we only get BBL coverage in New Zealand. How does he go in other formats?
Steve
Guest
That's a quality rant, and hard to disagree with.
Big Red V
Guest
We need to STOP comparing T20 form as any type of indicator for Test or even Shield cricket. For a batsman, it swing - connect - repeat. For bowlers it's generally carnage. And form in T20 is fleeting (Chris Lynn anyone...). This test match is gone and we will have another "honourable" series defeat having "narrowly" lost 3-1 (in a 4 test series). Great article though and so true, it hurts!!
Paul Giles
Guest
Pumping Dougie, in A.F.L, there would be a board challenge. Something similar has to happen here, true fans like ourselves carry no weight. There are too many non fans going to the matches. Unfortunately we got good crowds for boxing day and day 1 in Sydney. Surely there must be past players who have an idea who could mount a challenge to the selectors, coaching and the board.
Dan
Guest
I really liked this article, then I realised it's based on fact and now I'm depressed........
Pumping Dougie
Roar Guru
I think we need to start a social media protest to apply pressure. Selectors have lost all credibility and respect by overlooking people with better records and persevering forever with blokes like Mitch Marsh (31 tests, test average 25, first class average of 31) based on 'talent, potential and being a ripping bloke', whilst discarding blokes like Maxwell (3 years older, 7 tests, test average 26, first class average of 41 - but higher in last few years - and proven as one of the best ODI players in the world) based on 'talent, potential but tells it like it is' (which might have been useful in the dressing rooms in South Africa) suggesting he needs to do more but others can do less. Go figure. BRING BACK MAXI! It's hard to maintain support while this crony selection policy is applied ahead of merit.
VivGilchrist
Roar Rookie
You’re being sarcastic aren’t you Carlin?
Reesy
Roar Rookie
Nailed it. Spot on
VivGilchrist
Roar Rookie
Dane, you seem to be directing this at CA, when it’s actually quite obvious that the BCCI is selecting te Aussie team.
DR
Guest
Great article, although wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry as I worked my way through it. Which is kind of how I feel watching the national team and whenever I see the team list for the next Test.
Carlin
Roar Rookie
Great read and great honesty about the selection issues facing Australian Cricket. I would like to throw Cameron Boyce into the selection mix for the spinners. Have been really impressed with him in the BBL. Hopefully he can improve his first class career. Seems to be able to land his leg spinners on a good length regularly.
Paul Giles
Guest
The team should be D'Arcy Short, Beau Webster, Marnus Labuschagne, Mitchell Marsh, Marcus Stoinis, Ashton Agar, Cameron Bancroft, Nathan Coulter Nile, Ben Cutting, Adam Zampa and Jon Holland. You would have 10 bowling options and a part time keeper. I guess I shouldn't suggest this team because the selectors would probably agree and think I am being serious. After all who wants Daniel Hughes, Kurtis Patterson, Joe Burns and Jake Lehmann who have first class averages between 39 and 41 and all average 46 this season. Wade has no clue, averaging 39 fc and 62 since being dropped and 63 this season. Guess you can't play 2 keepers yet England have 3 in their top 7 doing a fine job. Glenn Maxwell ave of 41 fc and 42 this year, his problem is he doesn't make enough hundreds from the 2 games he gets to play before the first test. I will not watch cricket again until there is a total revamp. The new board should be sacked. Langer, Hohns and Chappell sacked and Paine replaced as captain.
Wayne
Roar Guru
You are missing so many great players in that list though: Glenn Marsh, Joe Marsh, Matthew Marsh All the lads need to do is get the last named changed, and they are already Vice Captain material
Bob
Guest
Mate... you just do get the abstract genius of these guys. Picking someone who is 39 th in the FC averages this season to be our new no 3- I'm sure all will be revealed soon. Either way you can comfort yourself with seeing the Marsh bros trying to lay bat on. All against Jimmy Andersons swing this winter.