The Blues must let me unlock the power of their brains by training the subconscious and releasing their minds, thus rendering them truly mindless.
Following the unmistakable influence of the Coach Whisperer on Wednesday’s Origin opener, I am here to help Brad Fittler rescue the series in Perth by offering my services as The Roach Whisperer.
Inspired by the instrumental and grossly profitable work of Kevin Walters’ psych-bloke in the Maroons stunning 18-14 win, I have now moved in to the industry of amateur sports psychology, better known as the mental sector.
As we’ve come to expect, the modern world of professional rugby league is an undulating pit of baffling unknowns. How will the ball bounce? Who’s got Ben Cummins this week? And how is Josh Dugan on $850k?
My Roach Whispering can empower Fittler and his charges to control the uncontrollables – the mind, the soul, and the ability to look like you just stubbed out a spliff seconds before conducting a press conference.
Boasting almost 40 years experience studying the mind – mine – and exploring my own human behaviour using word association through pictures (mainly Picture), I can map a range of various in-game scenarios, sometimes even sober.
This wealth of knowledge will allow me to take control of all aspects of the Blues’ football from the mental to the physical and everything in between, including their wallets.
In fact, my program of meandering psychobabble guarantees results in any situation, except clearly impregnable cases like the Middle East or the Gold Coast Titans.
My patented Roach Whispering has been proven effective across all sports – as demonstrated in its record of being blacklisted from a number of codes – and is even on the cusp of earning official NRL accreditation, provided it continues diverting attention from split rounds and sex tapes.
As unattributed testimonies attest, I played a leading role in a recent premiership campaign, with my methods applied so subtly to their program, they barely even knew I was in the building.
That’s because I wasn’t – I was stranded outside the specially-erected barricade, begging. But still, I had a team polo on.
In reality, I was so confident my mentoring would power the team to glory that I offered a pact to the coach that failure would mean we’d cut off our pinkies, to which he responded by cutting off contact.
I guarantee the Blues a similar full scale program of intense psychological mentorship (catchy slogans and a photo online), all for one full match fee per half and $6000 for every following, preferably in untraceable Coles vouchers.
As a matter of fact, my package for Fittler’s game two preparation has already been tailored.
Accessing layers of specific data-driven analysis drawn from a range of state-of-the-art algorithms and cutting-edge neurological instruments, I’ll demand more ball to the team’s halves combination, James Tedesco and Damien Cook.
Then using patented ultrasound technology, I will conduct a large-scale review of the team in the hope of finding Latrell Mitchell.
This will release Fittler from wasting time on tired rugby league basics like tai chi and earthing, and in to something much more effective for match day performance, like not saying particular words.
Here he will teach his players not to tolerate loser words like ‘try’, ‘hope’ or ‘maybe.’ Trust me – this has worked in the past, as many of my former teams don’t try, and now hope for another contract, maybe in Canterbury Cup or labour hire.
Fittler must accept my offer, not only for the state, but the impending foreclosure of my house. That’s because Coach Whispering is now a must-have, especially after Walters’ mind coach repelled the Blues at Suncorp.
Prior to Game 1, Queensland was a state without an identity. And a hooker, but mainly an identity.
After approaching Walters- the PIN code on his security gate was apparently a bugger to crack- Coach Whisperering transformed the Maroons mastermind in to a nervously energetic salesman, one seemingly trying to flog-off a car with a boot full of dead bodies.
It overhauled the Queenslanders’ attitude and sent a suspiciously rejuvenated Walters sauntering in to match day expecting to win, even after picking Moses Mbye. Thanks to Coach Whispering, he was guaranteed either victory, or the Titans job.
Now the Maroons hold a 1-0 advantage, and neither have to torch their SIM cards and move to Bermuda.
So to Fittler and the Blues, I am available. And remember: the Roach Whisperer guarantees results.*
*Getting smashed by 30 is officially a ‘result.’
E-Meter
Roar Rookie
Mrs Haas would overuse 'Cattledog' as the Blues main tactic.
Col in paradise
Guest
His biggest mistake was putting the most out of form and overrated halfback in the competition and the past two decades. Cleary should be dropped for Reynolds or Pearce.....
Tonester
Roar Rookie
To be fair though Freddy looks and sounds like he's had a couple when he's sober, so he has a head start on most people.
TIGER MIKE
Guest
Ha Ha Dane! You're great Love your work yes especially Win or take the Titans job! Just also yell at Freddie to sack ar least 6 or 7 who lost the second half, no defence, no grit, no... footy balls You need to close the deal Freddie or else coach Penrith
Sideline Eye
Guest
I can recall Freddy getting the Roosters job after Chris Anderson was sacked after a 50 point thrashing. Won his first game & said "how easy is this coaching gig"? NSW's definition of a dynasty is a solitary series win. They should check the availability of Payne Haas's mother. She'd add a bit of muscle.
Mama
Guest
AS always Dane brilliant - NSW had two/too many born and bred ACT players who actually cant play for NSW in alleged State of Origin? according to the rules though rules and NRL are not often used in the same sentence except when finishing last in the flag of convenience stakes to Liberia.
stevesyd
Roar Rookie
Please tell me he hasn't got the blues eating tofu burgers.
qwetzen
Roar Rookie
Bit of advice Dane: I think that you’re setting the bar too low by aiming for the Roach Whisperer gig. Go for Greenberg’s job. Or where real money can be made, NSW politics. And speaking of poor losers… 1. Saw Greg Alexander give the most extended, angry & surly panel piece ever on one of the Fox Footy shows last night. He was disgraceful. 2. Still at Fox, apparently Game 1 hinged entirely on one reffing decision; https://tinyurl.com/y4kn4xnv
Paul
Roar Guru
The Roach Whisperer, eh? Do you have a polo with that logo a bloke could buy, Dane? A clothing line might be a good spin off from your, ah, undoubted and newly discovered talents in this area.
5t3v3
Roar Rookie
Dear Dane, please remove all reference to the 'blues' in this post and replace it with 'the other team'. Kind regards, A Qlder
kk
Roar Pro
Professor Dane Eldridge, This is the kind of stuff which helps lifts the blues back on track and laughter sets the day. Your pedigree chart indicates you are a three -quarter brother in blood to Mandrake and Franquin. On the male line you trace to Dr. Norm Peale. As an act of human kindness please phone Freddie. As an honourable man you may consider doing a package deal with Scomo (say $1M pa) to save Australia with a freebie on the side to steer the Sharks to premiership glory. Incidentally, this week you will have to travel to Penrith to witness the robotic quota adjudications of the once great Ben Cummins.
Flexis
Roar Rookie
“look like” you just stubbed out a spliff .... surrrrre
Insider
Roar Rookie
My best memory of Freddy was when he was found drunk. So drunk that the police officer who found him said “ he was the most drunken human he’d ever seen” Freddy needs to stop looking in the mirror, Ch9 has convinced him into believing he actually knows football, go earth Freddy
FrozenNorth
Guest
How over rated is Freddy. Great bloke but man, they were not great last year in games 1 and 2, BARELY falling over the line against a Queensland team in near disarray and strong NSW team. All this fluff he introduces, yoga and meditation and what not, all garbage.
Tim Carter
Roar Pro
Picture... Oh dear, Dane...