Australia propose to decide Bledisloe Cup by super over

Australian officials will reportedly table an offer to their New Zealand counterparts to tweak the format of the Bledisloe Cup, with the proposal to now decide the famous rugby trophy by a two-over tiebreaker.

Australia will make the pitch in the wake of the Black Caps’ abject deterioration in recent tied matches of limited-overs cricket, an occurrence that has become so commonplace the side is now losing multiple super overs per week.

Recent times have seen Kane Williamson’s men record two straight defeats to India and a disastrous capitulation in Auckland to England, but the side was thankfully able to restore pride on Sunday night by valiantly crumbling inside allotted overs.

Prior to this, the Black Caps’ flagship nail-biter came in last year’s World Cup final against England, the most famous of all their super overs as the only one they haven’t lost.

(Dibyangshu Sarkar/AFP/Getty Images)

This staggering sequence of chokes has resulted in heavy scrutiny and petty name-calling across the ditch, with the side cruelly branded as the New Zealand Bottle Caps and even more cruelly compared to the All Blacks circa 1991-2007.

With their cricket counterparts on a six-match losing streak, Australian rugby officials believe they have identified an excellent opportunity for the Wallabies, claiming there’s no better time to determine ownership of a rugby trophy than with six balls each under lights.

Despite widespread scepticism, they are adamant that deciding the Bledisloe by super over is much more appropriate than something long-winded and complicated like Duckworth-Lewis or, worse, a game of rugby.

Australian officials also believe a corrupt Bledisloe win is a panacea to restoring national morale after a disastrous summer of bushfires, coronavirus and the grim nadir of Ash Barty fronting the media holding her niece.

While the idea may face stiff opposition from rugby delegates and anyone sensible, there is no doubt that beating New Zealand in rugby by a super over will also meet Australian crisis protocol. This decrees that in time of national turmoil Australia should make itself feel better by beating up on the Kiwis using deceitful means.

Across the ditch, experts are questioning New Zealand’s culture following the routine failures in super overs, with many accusing Kiwi coaches of foolishly teaching young cricketers to play for periods longer than six balls.

Many are also blaming the nation’s psychological scars on Tim Southee – with the veteran seamer bowling six times in the sudden-death finale for a paltry one win – and the menacing ginger foe and long-time tormentor from the World Cup final, Martin Guptill.

Such is the crippling lack of national confidence stemming from the losses, many believe it is only a matter of time before it affects other Kiwi national sides.

(Matt King/Getty Images)

While the public is resigned to their rugby league side having any confidence, the country is already preparing for the real possibility of a heartbreaking defeat in the America’s Cup to Jasprit Bumrah, probably by Mankad.

But despite their undeniable record of close losses, New Zealand have denied any particular epidemic with super overs – in fact, they claim to extend T20 matches unnecessarily as a protest against the slow death of Test cricket. Plus the advertising bonuses are pretty decent too.

In the meantime, Australia is also considering additional proposals that could see Russell Crowe and Quade Cooper decided by super over. However, it is believed they will wait until the Kiwi side is announced as they don’t want to risk the consequences of Southee bowling.

In reply New Zealand are said to be resigned to handing over the rights to the Bledisloe, citing it as “just the latest lamington that will probably be criminally made to flavour potato chips”.

Nevertheless, they are said to be excited at the prospect of seeing the tragedy poignantly summarised in another charmingly self-deprecating tweet from Jimmy Neesham and filling their empty trophy cabinet full of their beautifully fresh and ethical carbon-free oxygen.