In a stunning turn of events, the Gold Coast sports scene has been hit by not one, but two coach sackings in recent weeks. Justin Holbrook of the Gold Coast Titans and Stewie Dew of the Gold Coast Suns have both found themselves unemployed faster than a swimmer at the start of the Commonwealth Games.
But why do teams on the sunny Gold Coast fail time and time again? Let’s dive into the heart of the matter and explore the reasons behind these failures.
Firstly, we have the Gold Coast lifestyle conundrum. This beautiful strip of land is like a siren, enticing athletes with its sparkling beaches, glitzy nightlife, and all-around good vibes. It’s a place where it’s just too easy to trade in the training cones for a boogie board.
These teams need coaches who can strike the perfect balance between discipline and enjoying all that the Gold Coast has to offer. Perhaps they should hire a surf instructor who can also run a mean defensive drill.
Secondly, there’s the issue of venue location. While the Gold Coast is famous for its iconic Surfers Paradise, it seems the teams have missed the memo. The Titans and the Suns are situated miles away from the bustling heart of the Gold Coast, where the surf meets the sand and the party never ends.
Maybe the solution is to move the stadiums closer to the action, where players can catch a wave during halftime and refuel with a cheeky acai bowl.
Bailey Humphrey. (Photo by Daniel Carson/AFL Photos via Getty Images)
But, my friends, let’s address the elephant in the room—or should I say the jester in the jerseys? It’s time to tackle the fashion faux pas that plagues these teams. How can you have the name “Gold Coast” and not wear jerseys that scream sunshine and golden sands?
It’s like naming your country Greenland when it is mostly covered in Ice, or Iceland when it is mostly covered in green. It defies logic, common sense, and all things decent in the world of fashion.
Imagine the fear that would strike the hearts of opposing teams if they had to face a squad donning glittering gold jerseys, reflecting the sun’s rays like a disco ball. It would blind the opposition, making their tackling resemble a Benny Hill skit.
You can’t deny the power of a good jersey, my friends. It’s the secret ingredient that could turn a team of underachievers into the kings of the competition.
So, while we ponder the fate of the Gold Coast Titans and the Gold Coast Suns, let’s not forget to raise our glasses to Justin Holbrook and Stewie Dew. May they find new opportunities that allow them to bask in the sun-soaked glory of victory.
As we bid farewell to these coaches, let’s hope that the Gold Coast can find the winning formula and Des Hasler brings the Wallabies jerseys with Titans logo stitched atop.
Whether it’s striking a balance between surf and training, relocating to the heart of the action, or simply donning some blindingly fabulous jerseys, let’s make sure the Gold Coast teams rise like the sun itself – in all its golden glory.
Disclaimer: This article is a satirical take on the situation and does not reflect actual opinions or events. It is purely meant for entertainment purposes.
Rob9
Roar Guru
Well aware of the train station’s existence which is accessible for more of Brisbane than it is the Gold Coast where most of us live on the east side of the M1. At least not until the tram line has an off shoot to Robina. While the town Centre might be somewhat useful for making a game day experience for the ‘families’ market (even that’s questionable with what’s basically a decent sized shopping Centre foodcourt), it doesn’t offer a lot in terms of an entertainment precinct that other great stadiums like Suncorp and the MCG have with Caxton and Swan Streets respectively. Never mentioned Surfers as a location. Just proximity to. There’s literally wide open spaces along the Broadwater in Southport, much of which has been further developed as public parkland since Cbus was built. There’s also the opportunity to reclaim some of the Broadwater as was done to develop some of this parkland.
Pickett
Roar Rookie
There is a train station right next to Robina stadium. Robina Town Centre is massive and make for a great night out for families before and after the footy. Robina is a burgeoning suburb, with many aspirationalists. Sirfers and Southport don't have space and infrastructure for a stadium or team.
Pickett
Roar Rookie
Which is why they should kick out the Titans and replace them with the Burleigh Bears, another 70 yr old team still going strong.
sheek
Roar Guru
Just on Greenland & Iceland, when Eric the Red or whoever the Viking explorer was that discovered both these places, when he returned home to Denmark, he reversed the description of both islands, because he didn't want the forerunners to the wannabes ruining beautiful green Iceland so he called it 'Iceland', hoping instead they would head for icy 'Greenland' & effectively "get lost"! Other than that I don't know how you bring Gold Coast forward as a genuine sporting behemoth. Great place for a holiday, not necessarily to live! Although my brother & half a dozen or so ex-schoolmates would disagree!!
Rob9
Roar Guru
Broadwater parklands in Southport would have been my pick. How good would it have been to have the Broadwater as the stadium’s backdrop and cross the road into the bars in Southport and the tram line. Positioning a stadium there would have done wonders for Southport to truly emerge as real commercial and entertainment/hospitality hub.
Barry Ballerina
Roar Rookie
Mate, you make a solid point! Drawing in a crowd of over 18k during an Origin-impacted round is impressive for the Titans. But when it comes to stadium location, you're absolutely right. They had a blank canvas to work with, and they could've hit the bullseye. Just imagine the game day atmosphere in Broadbeach or Southport, right next to Surfers Paradise! Robina's getting there, but it's like slowly sipping a latte when you could be downing a frothy pint. Cheers to missed opportunities, guru! ????????️
Barry Ballerina
Roar Rookie
Mate, you've hit the nail on the head! The Gold Coast Suns' jerseys look like Granny's gone wild with a surf lifesaving flag cutter, and the Gold Coast Titans are rocking those Flight Centre Fiji shirts like they're ready for a beach vacation. Gold jersey. Just add some black shorts, and they'll be singing "Black and Gold" all the way to the try line! Love your style, legend! ????????
Doctor Rotcod
Roar Rookie
Set it on fire first.
Emcie
Roar Guru
Compared to the Dolphins who had 75 years of support before entering the NRL. Shows how hard it is to create a club at the highest level while having to create a support base at the same time
Arcturus
Roar Rookie
That's a very good point. I'm just south of the Queensland border. The good news is plenty of kids at my daughter's school barrack for the Titans. The bad news is the Titans have only been going for 16 years, and it may need another 16 years to truly blossom.
Train Without A Station
Roar Guru
I'd say the largest factor is that is as a high migrant population. With so many people moving from other states they come in already following a team. They bring up their kids to follow their own team (though many won't). So it takes a long time to build a fan base because so much of your population is already opposing fans.
Arcturus
Roar Rookie
It's only poor transport if you can't get the train. Plenty of fans travelling from Helensvale, Ormeau, even Brisbane find it convenient. But yes, if you're travelling from Burleigh or Southport it's rubbish. Put the home ground anywhere else though and the transport will still be crap, just for different people.
Rob9
Roar Guru
Stage 3 of the light rail is underway that extends the line from Pac Fair to Burleigh and I believe Stage 4 will take it further south to OOL. I know it's been spoken about and it makes an awful amount of sense given the commercial hub that Robina was supposed to become (the Gold Coast's CBD which is look like Southport is being positioned as for now and into the future), but I don't believe there are any immediate plans to take the light rail to Robina. I'd say stage 4 will take us through to just before 2032.
Randy
Roar Rookie
i think the light rail will go into Robina town centre, still a bit of a walk to Cbus but should help with access. Not sure with Carrara, its actually in a worse place than CBuS, which is unlike AFL… They will probably campaign to have it demolished and rebuilt on the beach knowing how they operate, and will somehow get it done.
Birdy
Roar Rookie
Cbus stadium is definitely one of the better stadiums in the RL country. Trouble is it's in a really bad, very bad location. No parking, poor transport . It's like a 5 yo screaming for a jam sandwich. When he finally gets it it's the wrong jam. All the Titans really need is long term stability and a winning culture. Keep the jerseys simple. Look at Canberra, very simple design ,very effective. Roosters, classic ,multi coloured design, should never change. Illawarra Dragons, red v or red jumper with simple stripes on the sleeve, class.
Rob9
Roar Guru
Nice one. I thought the Titans did well to draw in a crowd north of 18k in an Origin impacted round, right at the end of the school holidays but I think the stadium location is really valid a good point and a missed opportunity when they were working with a blank canvas. There’s some places either side of the built up Surfers Paradise (Broadbeach or Southport) that could have been perfect for a stadium the size of Cbus and have created a great game day atmosphere. Robina’s building up slowly but it won’t ever be anything like those closer in locations.
Randy
Roar Rookie
The Gold Coast is no different to any other location really... The area where all the high rises are - Surfers Paradise, Broadbeach and some part of Southport is just a small area. The Gold Coast stretches out a lot further than these 3 centres, just like Sydney is a lot more than just the Rocks, the CBD and Kings Cross. For the Titans it seems that born and bred Queenslanders do well at the club but interstate players flounder. Maybe the GC just needs to be for Queenslanders because people from NSW and VIC don't seem to handle the place.
Arcturus
Roar Rookie
Can't be just the surf. Manly, Roosters & Cronulla have pretty good beaches and go all right. Newcastle and St George-Illawarra also have good beaches and have won competitions, just not recently. No, it has to be something else. Maybe they need a Leagues club full of pokie machines like Souths or Penrith.
XI
Roar Guru
As Wil Anderson once said: drag the whole city into the sea