Wallabies coach Michael Cheika puts head-to-pillow at the Sofitel on Friday night, several hours after he has held his final press conference before the third Bledisloe instalment at Brisbane’s Suncorp Stadium on Saturday night.
As the affable yet formidable Randwick back rower fades off into slumber he recalls his answers to the journos.
“No mate, we can’t change the past, this is one game at a time and I am not even thinking about Eddie Jones or England later this year.”
“Good answer” Cheika affirms to himself as he drifts off into the night…..
Several hours later he is awoken by the Rugby Gods Vice President of Communications, the Arch Angel Phil. Phil, a promising hooker with a body odor issue in his former mortal life puts it very bluntly to Cheik.
“Mate, telegram from HQ. You’re allowed to beat New Zealand or England this year, but not both. So which one is it to be?”
The angered Cheika, just about to demand an explanation wrapped in expletives sits up in bed, carefully removing the lukewarm sliced cucumbers from his eye lids masterfully missing the foundation on his face in the process.
Phil interrupts and says, “Mate shut it or the big fella said you’ll get dusted by Scotland again.” Silence overcomes the room as Cheika considers his sides fate….
“Phil, my boys have worked their backsides off this year and all but did the Darkness in Dunedin. I want them to taste victory over them even if Wonder Boy isn’t playing. It will mean something to the Australian rugby public and after all Brisbane is a great place to get on the sauce afterwards. Been to the Port Office lately? ”
“So New Zealand it is then. I’ll let Eddie know,” quips Phil.
At that moment Cheika thinks back to that grin Eddie Jones had on his face after embarrassing the Wallabies in an historic three-nil clean sweep in the 2016 domestic series.
“No wait,” Cheika states in confused anguish and thinks to himself;
“Doing England and Eddie over on home soil. Payback for Gallipoli, Bodyline, Singapore, the Safari Suit and John Farhnam all in one. I’ll be a national hero and they may even erect a small statue of me in a nondescript park in Coogee. Tempting….”
“I can read your thoughts” says Phil, quietly filing his nails. “Shag would be happier with that arrangement also and he may even give you a tip for the Melbourne Cup? Who knows you might even end up mates?”
“So you’re bugging my head Phil because the irony would not be lost on Shag?” Asks Cheik.
“Shut up Cheik otherwise Folau will wake up with a bad hamstring. What’s it to be? England in England or the Darkness in Vegas?” Phil retorts.
“You’re aware of The Roar aren’t you Phil?”
“I am not a soccer man Michael. Those people have a special place in purgatory”
“No, the sports opinion website. You know that one.”
“I do. I do indeed. Sheek, Lordy, Brett and the lads. Indeed. Absolute jibber but always worth the read.”
“I tell you what, I’ll go with what they reckon. I’ll put it to a rugby plebiscite.”
“Plebiscite! Plebiscite, what is with you blokes and plebiscites?”
“Yes but this one will be more binding than an Alec Evens trained front row and will deliver a result.”
“Alright then. So be it.”
So there it is fellow Roarers, what’s it to be the Wallabies win on Saturday, or do we save ourselves to do Eddie and the chaps at Twickers in November? Which victory is more important to Australian Rugby?
Over to you…..
PeterK
Roar Guru
If only 1 can be beaten then England. A NZ win will mean little. The excuses why will be rolled out right away. It is a dead rubber. The number of injuries, unavailable players. England is a bigger milestone that a corrner has been turned.
ThugbyFan
Roar Guru
Great article Nick, pure gold! But being only allowed to beat one is a bit rough, that's mental anguish. You weren't a Dominatrix in a former life, were you? Incidentally if we beat one this year, does the Great Rugger Fan in the Sky allow the WB to beat the other mob next year? On the basis that England will be over in Oz for the cricket Ashes at the same time as our WB heros take on the brutal Neanderthals at Twickenham, then I go with beating England this year. Add that the Bledisloe is done and dusted this year, so any win over Shag's sheep in Bled3 will feel like a Pyrrhic victory. And besides, was there ever a sweeter sound in the Universe than hearing a Pom whinge after yet another Aussie victory. :)
PiratesRugby
Guest
Your prescience is depressing, Boggles.
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Guest
Great article, Nick! I laughed (silently). Especially at the special place in hell, sorry purgatory, for soccer fans. And the personal hygiene of a resurrected Hooker?. Anyway back to the game. I think we can win both. I think we have the talent and the coaches to knit it together. But not with Cheika as selector. Nick, I actually have a mate, who shook off this mortal coil about 8years ago. He was a hooker. And a top bloke. Your story has reminded me of him. RIP Bloater. Miss you mate.
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Guest
And he did. And the Roar didn’t.
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Guest
Sage, some folk don’t need to read the article. Their comments are Pre-prepared.
Paul Quaglia
Guest
We've lost so many to the All Blacks, let save that one for the next RWC, let's hose Eddie's Poms.
Machpants
Roar Guru
I'm trying to be neutral, as nz born and bred but with an English mum and many years in HM services. I'd say England. At home. When they haven't got the excuse of a long season. With Saracens ripping up Europe. Smacking smug Eddie and his Muppet cheerleader Billy would be great. I can see the draw of a victory (at last) vs the ABs, world number one team. But we have our excuse matrix prepared - dead rubber. Missing players. Looking to Europe, etc. Nasty premise to the article tho, well done!
Sage
Roar Rookie
Yep. I'd rather beat England on home soil and wipe some smug from Eddie. Losing to the darkness in a dead rubber...meh. So much talk of a weakened AB's they have way too much wriggle room if they lose so no, I'll save that win till next year to make the Bled more interesting.
Sage
Roar Rookie
Did you actually read the article?
gatesy
Roar Guru
Eddie and the Poms, because it's easier to make excuses if the AB's beat us. Too painful losing to the Poms.
Hoy
Roar Guru
I can't stand losing anything to England, so England to lose for me... we have lost to NZ enough that I am acclimatized to it... but I can never stomach losing to England, particularly with Eddie Jones as coach... It eats at me day and night.
Machooka
Roar Guru
Me keen and greedy for like plenty, plenty... :)
Digby
Roar Guru
Well Chookie, don't think me is a greedy man but hey, I wont be on no diet this weekend, no sir! You go on ahead now and get your kicks from ole Mother England over there, that will do the trick I reckon, just the tonic before them Ashes start in a few moons or so. Go on now, before there is trouble with the women folk, squabbling like chickens.
Timbo (L)
Roar Guru
I said the selections are realistic, I didn't say they were sensible, and I think that this is the reason that there is a persistent undertone of frustration that is going to seep out every time there is a conversation, remotely relating to it. And since this is a forum that doesn't restrict opinion, no mater how nutty it is, you should more surprised when there is no conversation about it. The NZ forums aren't filled with questions about why Hanson is doing stupid stuff. There is the old Smoke and Fire analogy. Us punters will lay of Cheiks when he starts delivering results or at least demonstrates some sense of rational thought.
Fionn
Guest
I didn't think it was possible but you were right about all of these... I don't know whether to laugh or cry!
Akari
Roar Rookie
I don't actually think it'll happen but the WBs must beat the Darkness to at least keep young Eddie and England sleep-deprived over the next few weeks. Fail and young Eddie will be playing mind games instead shortly after and Cheiks' a dud when trying to counter those games. Thanks for the entertainment, Nick.
The Neutral View From Sweden
Roar Guru
I think Cheika is backing the Cookie Monster theory. Does the Cookie Monster want the small pile of cookies? No. Does the Cookie Monster want the medium pile of cookies? Noo. Ahhh, Cookie Monster wants the big pile of cookies? Noooooooooooooo! But what does the Cookie Monster want? Cookie Monster wants ALL cookies!
Phil
Guest
Amazing isn't it(well,not really)?You get a very funny,light hearted article but still the usual narks have to come out and bag Cheika etc. I'm with Chook,let's beat them both.
Timbo (L)
Roar Guru
The Roar is a smouldering mess already, and these selections are realistic, depending on when Seany heads off for his Yakatori Tour, leaving the 8 Spot for Jack, vacating the 6 for Ned.