Mal Meninga has finally begun his career as a rugby league coach, just two decades after chaperoning some of the greatest rugby league teams of all time, and the Canberra Raiders.
After years copping a large salary to prepare the game’s finest self-saucing cakes, the Kangaroos coach has been forced in to the role after a gradual departure of phenoms stranded him with the unfamiliar duty of having to instruct a team of footballers.
Before now, Meninga earned his supercoach status with a philosophy of sharing allegiances with Cameron Smith, Johnathon Thurston, Cooper Cronk and Billy Slater, and their supporting cast microchipped to run lines and protect state secrets.
But with all four now writing history and profiting from AFL, the new Immortal has to adopt a more ‘hands on’ approach of coaching, that being actual coaching.
Meninga debuted in the role on Saturday night, with his beige, prodigy-devoid Kangaroos overrun 26-24 by New Zealand at Mt Smart Stadium.
While his new-look side displayed great endeavour, the match will be forever remembered for the coach failing at his first major test – overseeing a team hampered by mortals and New South Welshmen.
Mal Meninga remained upbeat despite the shock loss
However, fans are not slamming the panic button after the shameful defeat, despite the radical change that now requires Meninga to coach.
While a small pocket were concerned about a Kangaroos outfit that had been decaying on Meninga’s watch for almost 40 minutes, most are now prepared to grant him patience to grow in to his new role.
This gives Meninga precisely one week to restore pride in the jersey with a win over Andrew Fifita, or at the very least, find a suitable scapegoat if they don’t – meaning starts for Ben Hunt and Daly Cherry-Evans.
But whatever the result come full-time against Tonga, Meninga’s foray in to the ranks of torture and frustration marks an exciting new period in his career as a ‘coach’.
He was hired to take over the Kangaroos in 2016 with a mandate to Make Australia Australia Again, which basically meant returning the side to killing off the international game.
This followed nine years of assembling the Queensland Galacticos for its annual deflation of New South Wales, a role which reached its most strenuous when Meninga had to stretch over a bar to pour his own beers in the Brisbane CBD.
It was a breezy period of ritual triumph for the former international, as evidenced by his indomitable win/loss record and strong hairline.
But move forward to 2018, and its time to tackle life without a self-operating vacuum cleaner that cleans up the untidiness of players from other states.
Supplementary buzzy stuff like man management and issuing cursory commands like speaking to a Google Home might not be enough to win Test matches, or worse, keep the rats and filth at bay.
Meninga may have to give instructions for the first time since the nineties that aren’t “whatever you blokes did at Suncorp in Game 2”, or alternatively, ask Michael Hagan to work another 14 hours per day.
Reedz
Roar Rookie
Mal's set records as a rugby league personality no one will ever match or better in any lifetime...
Gaz
Roar Rookie
Interesting to note the “phenoms” to whom you refer are all Queenslanders. Indeed when Queensland is strong so is the National team. But I agree Mighty Mal has always got home on Hagan’s, and to a lesser extent Henry's back. Those phenoms will also haunt Walters and Bellamy.
Duncan Hawthorne-Robson
Guest
Coming from a country that suffered at the hands of the great Australian sides I would say show some respect to one of your finest!!! True you have been blessed with the "4" now retired, and who wouldn't want to have them in a team, but you are changing as a national side don't look to blame Meninga after 1 game!!
Phil
Roar Rookie
This may be a tongue-in-cheek type story but in fairness to Mal he has arguably one of the weakest National teams over the last 40 years or so. When you go through them from 1 to 17 it would be hard to find anyone who would make the top National team since SOO began. No doubt it will be a test of Mal's coaching skills but not even the likes of Bellamy or Bennett would do any better. Having said that I think it is just the shot in the arm International Rugby League needs. Patriotism causes me to hope like hell Australia wins on Saturday but hope for our game on the big stage I would not be disappointed to see Tonga take the prize.
Daz
Roar Rookie
When i saw the headline i thought that Hagan must have quit!
Paul
Roar Guru
poor Mal, it must have been hard drawing a six figure salary and doing nothing to earn it, bar making banal press conferences. Does he pull the pin if Australia lose 2 in a row?
Duncan Smith
Roar Guru
Pretty funny, Dane.
kk
Roar Pro
Hi Dane. "Talitali fiefia" With a little imagination the Tongan 'welcome' may be a harbinger. You nailed it with The Kangaroos are/were the finest self saucing cakes in League. Mal looks as though he raided the cooling larder. Saturday is in fact Mal's psychometric test, televised to the world for all to judge. The exam room and the coach's box often equate to mental cruelty. Tongan's are competitive with the world's best in the art of baking and decoration of a cake. The Tongan Pride Cake (see Wiki) is a prime example of their skills. Beautifully appropriate. If Tonga were to win it would put Tongan cake making on the map. Dane, I detect your signs of apprehension. You can always hope that the Tongan squad pig out on 'victory' cake at afternoon tea on Saturday.
E-Meter
Roar Rookie
"a role which reached its most strenuous when Meninga had to stretch over a bar to pour his own beers in the Brisbane CBD". ha ha.
3 R M
Guest
Mal is an immortal. And really had little choice as everyone knows immortals are usually found in groups or pairs .
At work
Roar Rookie
This is satire with a heavy dose of 'you're not wrong'. Mal has had the easiest gigs up until now, time to start earning his money and not relying on immortals.
Ray Paks
Roar Rookie
hampered by mortals and NSWelshmen? Fittler seemed to get them working pretty well almost ran in a clean sweep. But agreed, Meninga was just a jockey sitting on the back of Makybe Diva in most of his years as a coach
Nat
Roar Guru
Poor old Mal, how do you coach heart into all these NSW players?? :p