The world has its latest extraordinary election upset, with an unlikely candidate defying opinion polls on a promise of highly-sustainable economic reliability and a 30.66 match average – and that’s just bananas.
Peter Siddle is the latest boil-over to astonish the western world, with the potassium-enriched paceman earning pre-selection for Boxing Day in a stunning landslide victory of two votes to nil.
Siddle has been summoned as the all-terrain ironman for the MCG, with selectors Justin Langer and Trevor Hohns picking the seasoned campaigner to tackle a unique pitch that plays like either a pillow or a Takata airbag.
While his starting position remains unconfirmed, insiders report the Victorian has been called-up to play a specialised role as part of a conservative tactical move.
This involves protecting the workloads of his fellow Australians by bowling uphill in to the wind on a tidy line and length for 45 overs a day, in the process ensuring a tight run rate and acute arthritis.
But despite his credentials, the Victorian’s selection came as a shock to the public, with a chorus of condemnation seeing his re-appointment compared to other unpredicted democratic results like Brexit and Jess Mauboy running second in Australian Idol.
The uproar included greats like Shane Warne, who slammed Siddle as “too old” and “not Victorian enough”, and Geoff Lawson, who questioned the injustice to other front-line pace options in James Pattinson and Matthew Wade.
While nobody was doubting Siddle’s service to the nation, the general consensus was settled: Australia should be maturing away from conservative candidates, and more so, the unexplainable vagaries of preferencing.
But whichever way the cards fall on Boxing Day, Siddle’s reappointment marks a meteoric resurrection.
With his career looking set to quietly fade on the shameful backbenches of franchise cricket – or even more unedifying, Sheffield Shield – his return in the face of tremendous doubt mirrors the unfathomable rise to leadership positions of Scott Morrison, Donald Trump and Travis Head.
Much like some of these examples, Siddle’s rise also debunked opinion polls and the commentariat, and involved an unheralded protagonist leveraging old-school values and the appeal of being anyone but Bill Shorten or Michael Neser.
But what are the options for the disgruntled public should Siddle win a spot on Boxing Day? A plebiscite? Impeachment? Perhaps a working holiday to Hawaii?
While this would usually be the point at which experts encourage the dissatisfied to harness democracy and use their voting power to effect change, unfortunately the only polls in Australian cricket are for vintage ODI kits and determining Warnie’s dinner.
That’s because with Langer sitting in a single head-of-state role over a bevy of yes men – including Hohns – Australia’s constitution has grown nicely in to something resembling Russia. And it’s working.
Much like the reborn Soviet state, the country is on the rise as a global power, poor selections are being slowly eliminated, and political dissent has reduced to a mere whimper, other than a few crazies labelling Steve Smith a white ant.
For greatest proof, look no further than the coach’s left-field pick of Marnus Labuschagne.
First considered an unfair selection fuelled by favouritism and concussion, the country is now wholly dependent on the Queenslander for carrying Smith, who is too busy white-anting.
This is why we should be thanking Langer for Siddle, and hoping for a calendar of him riding a bear shirtless.
With his unchallenged 150 per cent approval rating at the selection table, the only thing left for the coach to emulate is to influence England by using Twitter bots to hand the captaincy to Kevin Pietersen.
sheek
Roar Guru
Mitcher, That's a very constructive response. Must have taken you, oh, about 2 seconds to come up with this constructive response. Goodbye!
Mitcher
Guest
Does anyone get their ‘knickers in a knot’ more than this goon. Then throws that out there. Not to mention the concept you need that many overs from a 5th bowler is comical.
qwetzen
Roar Rookie
Keep using it and it could become a cominterm...
kk
Roar Pro
Superb knock, Dane. Politically speaking, Justin and Trevor must owe Peter big time who is partial to the Shangai sling,if that method of seeking co-operation is still in operation.
sheek
Roar Guru
Paul, I'm a big fan of 5 bowlers, especially in the modern era with the huge workload demands on bowlers across a variety of formats. If you only have 4 frontline bowlers, you then need 2-3 guys who can all contribute to make a full 5th bowler. The current Aussie team has neither scenario, which puts extra pressure on the 4 frontline bowlers. Of course, it's okay if you're usually bowling the opposition out cheaply. But that's not always the case. It's funny that Australia hasn't had a genuine all-rounder for a very long time. Shane Watson was probably the last. But he was perhaps a little short in both batting & bowling. It would have been better if he was stronger in one or the other.
sheek
Roar Guru
Trevor - oh please, that was my humorous contribution for the day.
Rowdy
Roar Rookie
But it wouldn't pass the senate.
Cut Loose
Roar Rookie
Impeach Langer!!!
Paul
Roar Guru
No knickers in knots Sheek, just wondering a) where you were coming from and b)why we'd need a bloke to bowl that many overs on a regular basis,on top of the 4 guys we have bowling now?
Rowdy
Roar Rookie
I'd never ask a blonde for tips. On the other hand I could listen to brunettes recite Pi to over a thousand dec. places.
Sgt Pepperoni
Roar Rookie
Blonde tips asap
Sgt Pepperoni
Roar Rookie
I say you're an absolute ariat. Always have been
Trevor
Guest
No need for a sex change, mate. There is no men's side - there is an open team and a women's team. There are no limitations other than nationality on who can play for Australia. This is the same for all sports, btw, there are no specific men's competitions. So she qualifies just fine.
DaveJ
Roar Rookie
“ the only thing left for the coach to emulate is to influence England by using Twitter bots to hand the captaincy to Kevin Pietersen.” Langer as Putin, noice! I won’t criticise as I wouldn’t want a knock on the door from a couple of stray Russians (or Western Australians?) looking for advice on local tourist attractions. Sorry to inject a serious note, but a 30.66 average is still slightly better than the much idolised Brett Lee. And ten points better than Lee’s average in England. Perhaps Sids needed a face transplant, start a rock band or abuse the batsmen more aggressively.
matth
Roar Guru
It's all fake news anyway. Pattinson will be bowling at the G.
Rowdy
Roar Rookie
I couldn't comment on that as I'm not an ariat!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Dingo, are you suggesting corrupting selection policy by using coercion from the Queensland mafia? If so, I like it
DingoGray
Roar Guru
Peter Piddle strikes again..... Way too many bananas in the Cupboard...... Poor old Michael Neser... Someone just doesn't like the man..... Maybe Haydos should give his Garden Nome JL a call
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks qwetzen, I often like to use big words that I don't understand, so I'm glad this one landed
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Cheers TLN!