Peter Siddle: Another conservative candidate wins shock election

The world has its latest extraordinary election upset, with an unlikely candidate defying opinion polls on a promise of highly-sustainable economic reliability and a 30.66 match average – and that’s just bananas.

Peter Siddle is the latest boil-over to astonish the western world, with the potassium-enriched paceman earning pre-selection for Boxing Day in a stunning landslide victory of two votes to nil.

Siddle has been summoned as the all-terrain ironman for the MCG, with selectors Justin Langer and Trevor Hohns picking the seasoned campaigner to tackle a unique pitch that plays like either a pillow or a Takata airbag.

While his starting position remains unconfirmed, insiders report the Victorian has been called-up to play a specialised role as part of a conservative tactical move.

This involves protecting the workloads of his fellow Australians by bowling uphill in to the wind on a tidy line and length for 45 overs a day, in the process ensuring a tight run rate and acute arthritis.

(Photo by Francois Nel/Getty Images)

But despite his credentials, the Victorian’s selection came as a shock to the public, with a chorus of condemnation seeing his re-appointment compared to other unpredicted democratic results like Brexit and Jess Mauboy running second in Australian Idol.

The uproar included greats like Shane Warne, who slammed Siddle as “too old” and “not Victorian enough”, and Geoff Lawson, who questioned the injustice to other front-line pace options in James Pattinson and Matthew Wade.

While nobody was doubting Siddle’s service to the nation, the general consensus was settled: Australia should be maturing away from conservative candidates, and more so, the unexplainable vagaries of preferencing.

But whichever way the cards fall on Boxing Day, Siddle’s reappointment marks a meteoric resurrection.

With his career looking set to quietly fade on the shameful backbenches of franchise cricket – or even more unedifying, Sheffield Shield – his return in the face of tremendous doubt mirrors the unfathomable rise to leadership positions of Scott Morrison, Donald Trump and Travis Head.

Much like some of these examples, Siddle’s rise also debunked opinion polls and the commentariat, and involved an unheralded protagonist leveraging old-school values and the appeal of being anyone but Bill Shorten or Michael Neser.

But what are the options for the disgruntled public should Siddle win a spot on Boxing Day? A plebiscite? Impeachment? Perhaps a working holiday to Hawaii?

While this would usually be the point at which experts encourage the dissatisfied to harness democracy and use their voting power to effect change, unfortunately the only polls in Australian cricket are for vintage ODI kits and determining Warnie’s dinner.

That’s because with Langer sitting in a single head-of-state role over a bevy of yes men – including Hohns – Australia’s constitution has grown nicely in to something resembling Russia. And it’s working.

(Photo by Morne de Klerk/Getty Images)

Much like the reborn Soviet state, the country is on the rise as a global power, poor selections are being slowly eliminated, and political dissent has reduced to a mere whimper, other than a few crazies labelling Steve Smith a white ant.

For greatest proof, look no further than the coach’s left-field pick of Marnus Labuschagne.

First considered an unfair selection fuelled by favouritism and concussion, the country is now wholly dependent on the Queenslander for carrying Smith, who is too busy white-anting.

This is why we should be thanking Langer for Siddle, and hoping for a calendar of him riding a bear shirtless.

With his unchallenged 150 per cent approval rating at the selection table, the only thing left for the coach to emulate is to influence England by using Twitter bots to hand the captaincy to Kevin Pietersen.