Australia had announced way back in November last year that they would be returning to Pakistan for this tour. Those of us who had paid even the faintest attention to Cricket Australia’s ongoing tendencies to cancel any tour that doesn’t involve India or England (or, ideally, both) assumed that this one would fall through too.
Much like the famous hire car scene in Seinfeld, Australia knew how to announce a tour. They just didn’t know how to go on the tour.
(And going on the tour is the most important part. Anyone can just schedule them.)
But to the surprise of pretty much everybody, Australia did, indeed, return to Pakistan. Here’s the report card for the first Test between Pakistan and Australia.
Australia, completely spoiled by The Magnificent Touring England Collapso-Eleven, initially seemed unprepared for Pakistan’s stubborn refusal to throw their wickets away at the mildest of prodding.
Australian fans back home seemed even more confused about what was going on. Despite Pakistan having the single best timezone for Australians to watch Test cricket – a 4pm start through to an 11pm finish for those of us sensible enough to be on east coast daylight savings time – there was some confusion about what was going on with all this wicketless batting.
Were Australia allowing Pakistan all these century partnerships as a tribute to Virat Kohli’s hundredth Test being played simultaneously?
Or had some ne’er-do-well convinced Pat Cummins that century partnerships were an integral part of Pakistan society, and the culturally sensitive Australian skipper had fallen into their trap?
Either way, returning to Pakistan suddenly seeming a lot less fun than originally advertised, with Cummins being forced to call on the spare bowling of Travis Head, Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne.
While disappointing not to see Dave Warner roll his arm over, Cummins still managed to use eight bowlers on the first day.
Who do you think you are, Pat? Meg Lanning?
A disappointing first day for the Australians – heck, interim coach Andrew McDonald didn’t even think to kick over a bin and then clean it up – was dwarfed overnight by the tragic news that Shane Warne had died.
Cummins and his team showed up on the second day shocked, but determined to honour Warne by showing good body language and intent.
“New ball only 63 overs away, lads,” they’d cry. Or, “New ball only 27 overs away, lads.” Whatever number corresponded to the actual number of overs, you see, as Pakistan continued to mercilessly pile on the runs.
In the commentary box, they found their own ways to honour Warne’s memory, speculating very early on about a possible declaration that would keep the game moving forward. Touching stuff.
Pakistan finished on 4-476d, bungling the timing of the declaration to give Australia’s only two specialist batters Warner and Khawaja just a tricky little one over session to end the second day.
After triumphantly negotiating that, the pair continued on into the third day, finding the batting almost as easy as their Pakistan counterparts. Warner scored 68 and Khawaja was eventually dismissed just three short of a century.
Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne then batted out the day, finishing on 2/271. Who’d be a bowler in Test cricket? True fans recognise and prefer the purity of the balanced contest between bat and ball that only T20s can provide.
Would Cummins further honour Warne’s memory by aggressively declaring behind on the first innings in a noble, but surely doomed, attempt to set up the game?
Well, maybe. But, if so, such plans were cruelly delayed (and/or made infinitely more urgent) by a wet outfield that wiped out the first session of the fourth morning.
But rather than declare – or perhaps even more appropriately, accept the inevitability of the draw and shake hands with five sessions still to play – Australia chose to bat on.
After all, Steve Smith and Marnus Labuschagne were still at the crease. You’d be a brave skipper to call a halt to an innings (or match) on those two. Without proper Bat Time, they’d come back to the dressing room all cranky and irritable, throwing tantrums and making a mess.
On the plus side, the early lunch and adjusted schedule for the day meant that it was virtually impossible to know when the tea break would come. This added a thrilling element of suspense to an otherwise tedious bat-a-thon. At any moment fans knew everybody on the field could suddenly all just wander off with no warning whatsoever.
A clever innovation that made for gripping viewing in a Test that sorely needed it.
And so, perhaps inevitably, after Australia’s first innings ended 459 all out early on the final day, Pakistan batted out the rest of the Test. They reached 0-252 before Khawaja was finally given a bowl, which was sufficient to convince everybody it was time to call the Test off.
Clever of Australia to spend this first Test compiling such a complete database of non-wicket taking deliveries. Great analytics for interim coach Andrew McDonald going forward. Advantage Australia.
And, sure, it may not have been the most interesting match for fans to watch. But it’s just one Test. Life would be pretty dull if all Test matches were exciting, right?
Sgt Pepperoni
Roar Rookie
B+ The Tapal tea lounge. Why watch uncouth drunkenly Australians in a pool at the Gabba when you can watch the polite decorum of the Tapal tea lounge? In a sport so linked with tea this humble hut and it's polite and bland whiteboard messages is exactly what a slow paced dull test match really needs
BillyW
Roar Rookie
This satire fell as flat as the Pindi pitch......let's all hope things are a little more entertaining next time out.
DaveJ
Roar Rookie
“True fans recognise and prefer the purity of the balanced contest between bat and ball that only T20s can provide.“ Was starting to feel that way! But in some ways I’d rather have Pakistani pitches like this than the Indian ones where you’re dead if you don’t bat first, but probably dead anyway if you’re not India. But certainly better to watch when you’re a neutral.
Stuckbetweenindopak
Roar Rookie
5th day of test cricket on a subcontinent wicket, even the betting companies wont bother offering odds on "no wicket" scenariod. But it happened, yes, Rawalpindi.Groundsmen must be fired for this freak show!
Andrew
Roar Rookie
Wasn't Nauman the annoying neighbour in Seinfeld. Thats all I could think of when they pronounced his name. Then I went to watching an episode as was far more interesting.
Derek Murray
Roar Rookie
Acknowledged
Choppy Zezers
Roar Rookie
Uzzie was underbowled. Make him the first change bowler in the next test. Pakistan will be bamboozled by his gentle, fluffy pies.
Chanon
Roar Rookie
But he’s correct the Three Amigos all bowl short of a good length the Pakistan batsman could play these blokes blindfolded on that pitch. Boland bowls a fuller length & the Pakistan batsman would have been more concerned. Cummings has already suggested we need another spin – bowler but he didn’t mention his precious mates being on the chopping block :stoked:
Mitcher
Guest
Gee, here’s poor Gee. Still upset with his lot in life.
Once Upon a Time on the Roar
Roar Guru
Billy Birmingham in 'My Life as Richie' "Super piece of writing that - really funny stuff."
Once Upon a Time on the Roar
Roar Guru
He's good at that.
AJ73
Roar Rookie
Should have tried Hazlewood or Starc, their records on benign pitches in the last two years is very poor. Couldn't bowl India out last year except for the Adelaide Test. Starc's record on the subcontinent is deplorable unless it swings (really just there to give Lyon some rough to bowl into). Boland has earned a living bowling on the MCG. It was worth a try before reverting back to the same old supposedly best bowling line-up in the world. Or even go with another spinner, since they tried Labuschange, Smith and Head.
Derek Murray
Roar Rookie
Like Boland was going to turn this around. Sad commentary
Micko
Guest
I hope the match referee was David Boon!
Targa
Roar Rookie
A boring draw is better than a crushing loss. 1 down, 2 to go. The cricket can only get better (I hope).
Gee
Roar Rookie
F – NSW “big 4” & the selectors. See what happens when you don’t pick Boland? Serves them right :thumbdown: