Dear Essendon,
I hope this letter finds you well.
It has recently come to my attention, thanks to our mutual acquaintance Robbo, that you are once again considering hiring James Hird as your new senior coach for 2023.
Naturally, I have written with the utmost urgency a vital message, on behalf of all 17 other AFL clubs and their supporters:
Do it. Please.
There is no telling what you might achieve by reuniting the Hird-Kevin Sheedy pairing of the 1990s and 2000s, with the former now a high-profile board member (I only mention this because given the upheaval at your club of late, you’d be forgiven for having forgotten exactly who’s still on the payroll).
Why, with ‘Hirdy’s’ footy wit and Sheedy’s tactical mastery, you could forge a Bombers outfit that would be the envy of all other teams from 1996.
Don’t let the fact that it’s 26 years later and the game has fundamentally changed put you off – you’ll show them all off when you destroy Fitzroy in Round 1 next year, and finish top of the ladder and await a first-week final against whoever finishes eighth.
Hird is clearly the best option to take on the reins of such a proud club, and fits your bill perfectly. You want an experienced coach? Well, you won’t find many who have seen more and done more than James Hird.
What other coach could claim to have overseen a program that, through either incompetence or ignorance or both, ran his club into the ground? What other coach could boast his incredible unprecedented record of winning nearly as many games as he lost?
A man who led his charges into ruins is surely the perfect man to help set things right again. That, after all, was the message of the wildly popular and critically acclaimed eighth season of Game of Thrones, where King Bran names Tyrion Lannister his Hand of the King despite years of incompetence and poor advice under the previous monarch. If such thinking was encouraged in such a well-thought-out masterpiece, it only makes sense to apply the same logic to AFL coaching.
What’s more, what other coach could, having been sacked following two 100-point losses in seven weeks and an incredible winning record of nearly 10 per cent in his final 11 games in charge, have done more than Hird has to prove worthy of a second chance?
His incredible four-month stint as an assistant coach at GWS saw that team achieve incredible heights, and only some unlucky losses in the last rounds stopped them from cracking the top 15.
As we all know, a man of Hird’s calibre could easily achieve just the same learnings and reflections from four months as an assistant that Michael Voss could glean from eight years. After all, what did Vossy ever achieve in the game?
James Hird as Essendon coach during the 2015 AFL season. (Photo by Scott Barbour/Getty Images)
And has Adem Yze ever coached a final? Of course not! You just can’t buy that September experience that Hird brings to the table, and the fact that they both have an equal number of finals wins doesn’t dampen that in the least.
I have no doubt that the taste of September Hird gleaned with a narrow 62-point loss to Carlton in an elimination final 11 years ago, that really could have been won but for some very poor umpiring, still burns in the belly of the one Essendon player still on the list from that match. No doubt Dyson Heppell has devoted his career to this moment, and the chance to make amends.
But forget yourselves for just a second – I know, I know, it’s hard sometimes – and think of what appointing Hird would mean for others.
For starters, your legion of nuffy fans who still pray to a shrine of Hird at night and long for the return of the glory days and the old values, the fans which most other teams have pushed to the periphery but still seem to be calling most of the shots at your mob, will cheer.
But those cheers will pale in comparison to the incredible joy you signing Hird would spread across the entire AFL world.
It’s difficult to put into words just what you deciding to head back to the well would mean for literally everyone.
Everywhere you’d look, from teams like North Melbourne coming off back-to-back wooden spoons, across the Nullarbor to West Coast coming off their worst season in their history, and even up north to the Giants as they suffocate under the weight of their own salary cap; from all four corners of the country, clubs everywhere will band together and proclaim as one ‘Oh well, at least we’re not Essendon’.
Few teams in history have ever had such an opportunity to spread universal, unadulterated joy throughout a community. Get Hird back in as coach, and the football world will celebrate. At your expense, sure, but what an altruistic thing to do!
Any wrongs you committed to Ben Rutten’s memory by unceremoniously punting him out the door in an ill-fated pursuit of Alastair Clarkson would be instantly forgiven, such would be the glee your new coach would bring to us fans. All the sins of the past would instantly wash away – the entire seventeen thousand years of the drugs saga, all the trillions of dollars guzzled up by lawyers and defence fees and that weird ‘Say that again’ interview Dean Robinson did with Luke Darcy, would all have been worth it after all.
Former Essendon coach and superstar James Hird. (Photo by Mark Metcalfe/Getty Images)
You might be thinking at this point that it isn’t the Bombers’ job to serve the best needs of the AFL community. Pah, I say! Balance requires a powerful Victorian team take its turn as the league’s resident laughing stock, lest the universe collapse and chaos reign.
Richmond selfishly turned its back on this noble pursuit after decades of public service, from missing the finals for 12 years, to repeatedly finishing ninth, and then making the finals and losing it to the team that finished ninth that year.
Turning their back from that path just when they were on the cusp of the Nirvana of football comedy by acquiescing to the ‘Focus on Footy’ board handover, and their disgraceful selfishness in vowing to become a competently run football club quite frankly taints their three premierships and the zillion members that have since come out of the woodwork.
How fitting would it be for a team so heavily involved with helping the Tigers forge their own joker tag, by being the team kicked out of the finals in 2013 to allow the ninth-placed Carlton in to knock them over, to take their place on the comedy throne after lying bare for five years?
So on behalf of literally everyone, I implore you Essendon: don’t tease us with this tantalising news that you’re including James Hird as part of your ‘coaching process’. You don’t need a series of stages, detailed analysis and an exhaustive, weeks-long program – the solution is staring you right in the face.
The footballing world has gathered in a meeting, and after a thorough sixteen-second period of deliberation, deemed it the right decision to make for your club’s standing in the game, and the game as a whole.
If there is anything I or any of us can do to assist with this process, please let us know. We’ll do literally anything to make this a reality.
Yours sincerely,
Everyone
Pickup
Guest
James Hird has coached Essendonfc for several years prior to 2014 , and had essendon 2nd on the AFL ladder during 2013, with a 13–3 win–loss record after 17 rounds,,,,and again as assistance coach at GWS during 2022. Surely that is coaching experience. What coaching experience has the favorite Adam Yze had ? Nil i beleive. James Hird should be favorite for the job,, he deserves it, he hasnt commited any major crimes that ive heard of, and in my opinion everyone bar murderers deserve a second chance.
Pumping Dougie
Roar Guru
No other clubs have admitted to taking injections, including those Dank worked at and no evidence has surfaced indicating they did. Nor has any gossip circulated suggesting they did, except for unsubstantiated allegations from Essendon people as a pathetic form of defense for their actions. I think there is a massive difference between taking needles and taking oral substances, and there is also a big difference between taking substances to help an injury, versus taking substances to gain an advantage over the competition. The Brisbane IV drips was terrible too, but they did it openly, which put the onus on the AFL to rule whether this was acceptable or not (and the AFL subsequently prohibited clubs from continuing this practise). EFC’s behaviour was one of the most infamous professional sporting team acts seen in world history (aside from countries at various Olympics, but arguably these were individuals, rather than teams) – and JH was an integral part of this process. We’ll have to agree to disagree on this one James.
JamesH
Roar Guru
That's an odd take, PD. I don't think it's ever been disputed that other clubs had comparable programs in the past. Dank was previously engaged by a few other AFL clubs (and individual players) before he came to Essendon. I'm not suggesting they did anything unlawful or dangerous, but I can't imagine Dank was there to give them interior decorating advice. In any event, why should it matter whether supplements are injected or taken orally? Players are injected with all sorts of things all the time - primarily strong painkillers and cortisone injections, which funnily enough are very much performance enhancing. Brisbane hooked their players up to IV drips at half time during their glory years, and Leigh Matthews credits that with being a factor in their success. And let's not start dragging up Hird's playing career. He's hardly alone in having used suppliments himself. How many rocks do you want to lift? (There is a school of thought that WADA has its view on this stuff backwards - that a substance like TB4, which aids in muscle tissue recovery, is safer for athletes than strong painkillers and cortisone, which allow players to play on despite the real risk of worsening injuries. But I'm getting off track.) For what it's worth, though, I think your last statement is true. If Hird wants to coach again then he should do a couple of years elsewhere as a full time assistant coach. Not only would that get him back up to speed with modern coaching, but it would allow the footy public to assiciate his coaching career with something other than the saga.
rommel
Roar Rookie
How so?
Jeff
Roar Rookie
Hird's clearly having his own ongoing personal challenges. And so it's a nice thing that Essendon have given a former champion player of the club some recognition and redemptive inclusion by allowing him to at least engage in a process. Maybe it's helpful to him. Maybe not. But a thoughtful gesture and probably best left at that.
Russel Blackwell
Guest
desperation
Shed Bloke
Roar Rookie
Not sure how you reached into my mind, scanned my thoughts on this matter, and then used them to make an article that perfectly reflects my inner opinion. But you certainly nailed it!
okapiman
Roar Rookie
Essendon is making itself a laughing stock. We are not doing anything. We are all standing on the sidelines watching abject stupidity at play. Like the writer said bring back Hird, that gives us 1-2 easy wins each year for the next 5. Clearly the smart players from Essendon will want to leave. Of course any players with drug issues know which club now to go to. He was a terrible coach... ! before the drugs saga. It it like putting Carey in charge of a chemist.
Pickup
Guest
The current leader of the AFL has stated openly in the media that Hird should get another chance at coaching. That should be the end of it.
Alvin
Guest
Ignoring the drugs scandal stuff. Surely a look at Hirds actual coaching record would suggest he is not a super coach, nor that much of an experienced coach. Both things the Bombers, if I am not mistaken, have explicitly asked for.
PICKUP
Guest
Essendon membership will drop off if HIRD is not selected as the next COACH. Somone else brougt the two supplement recomenders to the club, and HIRD copped the blame. No essendon players tested positive to drugs. Hird hasnt killed anyone, he deserves another chance. Best of luck James Pickup
Birdman
Roar Rookie
Custard
Birdman
Roar Rookie
And failing to be accountable?
Birdman
Roar Rookie
Ah marketing, the domain of scoundrels :laughing:
Pumping Dougie
Roar Guru
No JamesH, sorry but you’re judgement is clouded on this. You prefer to call it a supplements program. Sure, but it was via needle, not pills, and the intention was to gain an advantage over the comp via this needle injection program. I know those words look nasty, but that’s the cold hard truth. And the excuse trotted out that they were just trying to do what some other clubs were doing, was supported by zero evidence from within or external to the club and no evidence has emerged in the subsequent 7 years, not even gossip. Whether or not the drugs were WADA compliant or not (and the highest sports court club in the world ruled that it wasn’t compliant), the ethical willingness to go down this path of a needle injection program is absolutely inexcusable and disgraceful. Aside from all this, the evidence presented also demonstrated that Hird employed as his “nutrition expert” during his playing career the same convicted drug courier as Dank used for the supplements program, which also throws doubt over the achievements of Hird’s playing courier and highlights how far he is prepared to go to succeed. I can understand why Hird would want to get back into the caper – to redeem himself and attempt to recover his tarnished reputation with a new legendary chapter. People deserve second chances, but the club needs to solely consider its own best interests, not Hirds, and would be mad to even consider employing him as head coach again, until at the very least he does the hard yards as an assistant for a period or a coach of the next level and achieves success doing so.
Jonboy
Roar Rookie
Gee Brendon sounds like Hird run over your dog. Apart from trusting Dank and being a little naive he has done practically nothing wrong.
Brendon the 1st
Roar Rookie
Just saying, he's a funny person to have on a coaching panel, as is Robert Walls who hasn't coached for a very long time. The question with me and Hird is simple, why? There are other far better suited candidates around, so why then would you put the club in this position of ridicule when you have positive options out there. It's actually an intriguing study on the thought process of human beings and the choices we make.
Brendon the 1st
Roar Rookie
I've heard him speak, he seems intelligent, driven yet out of touch with reality and ambivalent to the damage he's done, hence a sociopathic type personality. I don't see anything to indicate he would be a good coach and manager of men/women
JamesH
Roar Guru
Ummm... he set up Gemba, a successful sports and entertainment marketing/consultancy firm, and has been a broker for the sale of European soccer clubs. He's had plenty of success in the business world.
Johnno
Roar Rookie
It’s hard to understand all of this. Essendon approached Hird apparently & he accepted the invitation to be considered. No one can win this. Maybe he was just seeing what the situation was. Still baffling.