In the latest episode of the world’s longest running soap opera, Rugby Administration in Australia, a heroic group of former Wallabies captains and a benevolent global media conglomerate have fought a successful battle to keep the Kiwis out of Aussie rugby.
Raelene Castle, a potential vector of New Zealand-style success at rugby, risked infecting the Aussie game and ruining nearly two decades of hard work at Aussie success at failure.
Well, thank goodness we had the Magnificent Eleven – err, Ten – to cut her off at the pass. The last time we had a Kiwi in a key role at the Wallabies, coach Robbie Deans, he put the curve of success on such an upward trajectory that our team ranked second in the world at times. So we sacked Dingo, quite right considering he had the cheek to try to help make the Bledisloe half as competitive as an all-Kiwi Super Rugby final.
Unfortunately, flattening the success curve takes longer than it does to set it off on a diabolically upward trajectory. Michael Cheika fought hard to wrangle that curve and had to endure a spot in the 2015 World Cup final, which we can at least partly blame on referee Craig Joubert for getting the Wallabies through the quarter-final against Scotland, before flattening the curve.
But from 2016, by crikey, did Cheika flatten it. He used the same tried and true methods of Randwick running rugby, that will undoubtedly arise out of an Australian super club competition, where the rules are cleverly changed to suite the Australian aesthetic but not to win international rugby matches.
Special mention must go to the spiritual leader of the Magnificent Eleven (or Ten?), Pastor Nick Farr-Jones. Pastor Nick was decisive in leading the charge to storm the Castle, setting things right after her terrible treatment of Australian rugby’s most expensive disappointment: Israel Folau.
(Photo by Cameron Spencer/Getty Images)
Pastor Nick offered a theological explanation for his actions: “It is all very well to talk about turning the other cheek, but people who say that obviously haven’t played the All Blacks when Richard Loe was on the team. If you don’t gouge a Kiwi’s eye out when they trespass onto your side of the breakdown, it will happen all day.”
Phil Kearns also deserves credit for supporting the coup and should have been appointed CEO of Rugby Australia last time anyway. Kearns clearly demonstrated the judgement, tact and diplomacy for the role when he publicly told former RA chairman Cameron Clyne to grow some cajones, and then applied for a job with Clyne as the chair of the interview panel.
George Gregan was reluctant to claim a leadership role, simply stating: “Listen, the coffee business has just died with the shutdown and I really need to keep my job with Fox”.
Stephen Moore was more forthright, earnestly outlining a bunch of changes that the Magnificent Eleven/Ten want to see. Key among this was adjusting top player salaries, which probably would have happened under Castle anyway in the new post-coronovirus economic reality.
However, Moore clearly felt it was better for former players who have already banked their pre-coronvirus earnings to deliver the bad news to their mates.
So rest assured that Aussie rugby is safe from success for another decade. Raelene Castle is undoubtedly miserable, sitting by the pool drowning her sorrows with a margarita and no longer receiving constant phone calls from about 200 uber-entitled Australian man-children, and having to resort to barracking for that miserably successful team, the All Blacks.
Matches
Roar Rookie
A brilliant headline matched by the content! As someone with no interest in, or knowledge of rugby (in any of it forms), I loved the humour in your article. I wondered why (& how) this game survives between the excitement of football (AFL) at the top, and the momma's-boy sports at the other end, but maybe it's there for a purpose after all. Very funny.
freddieeffer
Roar Rookie
Well Done Rhys, one of your best and I needed that laugh.
Ian
Guest
Australian rugby needs to take a hard look at themselves. The 10/11 past captains had no plan and winged about how things are and ensure they got rid of Ralene Castle. Because maybe a woman, kiwi and good at her job. They have to be careful they might lose one,of the best coaches around and he is a kiwi. Thanks to Ralene as she signed him up. Great job boys patience isn't one of your virtues as things are in place for change and you guys have had 13 years to stick your oar in, without a plan.
Inside Pass
Roar Rookie
Fear drives people to do illogical things. Fear also forms crowds and crowds are even less likely to think logically. You need a couple of things to change a situation like this - courage, a logical plan and leadership skills. Castle had courage and a plan (though this is hard to tell - it could only be gleaned through the noise). She did struggle with achieving a leadership effect. Another way to destroy fear is with humour. Rhys thank you for the article. A flicker of light in the dark cave AUS Rugby has hid itself in.
Waxhead
Roar Rookie
@Rhys Very funny - full of whit, satire and truth. Great work - thanks for the many laughs :thumbup: :laughing:
Harry Jones
Expert
Cheeky funny
AndyS
Guest
Yes, it is a shame so many miss the 1970's so much...
Geoff Parkes
Expert
Good stuff, Rhys! If only it wasn't true...
Kim Rickards
Guest
100% on the money! Now we can just slip back to the good old days, with good old mates doing the same good old things and doing the same good old favours...what a recipe!
JD Kiwi
Roar Rookie
Happy ANZAC Day everyone! Great article, and well done all the Aussies who took it in good humour.
Richie
Roar Rookie
The truth makes for good comedy :thumbup:
jcmasher
Roar Rookie
Thanks Rhys, that made me giggle. I think the next few months are going to be very interesting. Good to see Rennie still interested in the job and I hope he’ll be treated better than Deans was
Rhys Bosley
Roar Pro
Lol, I had forgotten about Paul Carozza, it would seem appropriate.
Busted Fullback
Roar Rookie
Thanks Rhys, If I wasn't laughing so much, I'd cry.
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
Campbell, yes, so many bullets, too few feet. But if that ever happens Oz rugby will just grow another one.
Ken Catchpole's Other Leg
Roar Guru
Charlie, he’s also found a friend. Read on.
Bleedsgreenand gold
Roar Rookie
Very good Rhys.
Jacko
Guest
To be honest Ken you do seem a bit obsessed with what ca may or may not say....Its getting a bit unhealthy...
Josh
Roar Rookie
Great article mate, not sure how successful we have been, until we find out how many are on government benefits before and after the virus.
Charlie Turner
Guest
KCOL, I think CA has finally found a satirical piece to attach his musings.