Australia faced more questions than answers in the lead-up to the first Test.
What to do with Joe Burns? Who is actually broadcasting the summer? And of the available options, which network did David Warner prefer?
But after a long and arduous journey stretching across almost 95 balls, Australia has now resolved every single one of its issues thanks to one afternoon of India nicking everything in sight.
Joe Burns
The Burns conundrum was complex. How do you drop a really nice bloke because he’s batting with a door snake? But from the moment the maligned Queenslander decisively brought up his 50 with a six spilt over the rope, only two questions remained: how many hundreds do we pencil him in for on Boxing Day? And why can’t Travis Head win us over with junk runs?
Opening combination
Openers. Remember when Australia didn’t have any? We were so desperate that we canvassed threadbare options for Adelaide like Marcus Harris, Tim Paine and a car seat. Yeah, I know right? Marcus Harris!
In the end, Burns and Matt Wade were given the nod. This wasn’t due to any superior suitability, but because Justin Langer overlooked the car seat as it wasn’t from Perth. But after reliably guiding Australia to within the winning target, the exciting new partnership had established itself in the nation’s hall of opening greats somewhere just below Mark Taylor and Michael Slater, and marginally above a car seat.
All-rounders
It’s accepted as fact that Cameron Green had already eclipsed Wasim Akram and Kapil Dev even before his debut. That being his debut from the womb, not into the international arena. The lanky prodigy’s 11 was a knock of exquisite style and bone structure that culminated in a premature departure from the stage, thus leaving the scintillated crowd wanting more. Now that’s an entertainer.
Frankly, all Green needs is a packet of Clairol and a feud with Pup Clarke, and he’s already surpassed Shane Watson.
Captaincy
Tim Paine is our fearless captain until further notice. His DRS use is woeful, but handily, nobody has served a 12-month ban on his watch.
(Photo by Mark Brake – CA/Cricket Australia via Getty Images)
Virat Kohli
The Indian maestro is no longer a headache for Australia after fleeing for home, most likely to stock toilet paper due to the growing outbreak in Sydney.
As such, Paine no longer has to control him with tactical genius, meaning it’s goodbye to shady catches in the gully and brain snap run-outs. It’s a colossal advantage, especially considering the difficultly involved in confecting the latter when you’re the fielding side (not because it’s hard to elicit a batsman’s indecision, but because Nathan Lyon might be receiving the throw).
Game plan
Australia had been prone to being inexplicably awful at times, especially with the bat. But now they know they can win from any position, and all they have to do is simply bowl out the opposition in 16 overs for record lows, and then let Marnus Labuschagne pile on the runs with edges between slips. And if there’s a hiccup, simply rely on the opposition to field with a standard of poor judgement only seen in drunken teenagers and BBL umpires.
Covid
With Sydney in lockdown, fans could be cruelly robbed of the usual traditions that accompany an SCG Test – the grandeur and history of one of the great venues, set against the backdrop of a washed-out dead rubber.
Thankfully, the MCG could host back-to-back matches, thus gifting the public ten straight days of Chetweshar Pujara batting. This should see fans flock to witness the marathon man potentially top Sachin Tendulkar’s record, with many tipping he could pass the Little Master’s career mark of 15,921 some time on the afternoon of Day 4.
Lance Boil
Roar Rookie
Last tour he joked about an Indian player's first class record He had to apologise to the entire Indian nation.
Hari
Roar Rookie
Green got the looks of McGrath, only while he walks back to his run up! Seriously.
johnb
Guest
If we're being picky, Lyon did take the throw for Kohli's run out, so the first Test even sorted out that Australian weakness.
Madrid john
Guest
So very funny, Dane. Just what I need locked down in Spain over Chrissie. Only, I’m pretty illiterate cricket wise so some of your crafty one-liners went through to the keeper.
Micko
Roar Rookie
Don't you realise the era we live in now?
Dwanye
Roar Rookie
What happened Lance?
Micko
Roar Rookie
Like what, Kohli knocking up his missus at an inconvenient time of the birth?
Lance Boil
Roar Rookie
Ask KOK about trying satire on the Indian team. Not worth the drama it would cause.
Pumping Dougie
Roar Guru
Greene also needs to run his partners out, to surpass Watson.
Pumping Dougie
Roar Guru
Nice satire Dane. I think Wade deserves his spot - he's been in great form domestically for a while now, so I was happy they tried him opening to give us a chance to see Green. Burns was lucky to keep his spot, but he's been unlucky in the past to lose it - so good luck to him. Warner has been consistently great in Australia but the opposite is true away. He was horrible in The Ashes and many other overseas tours and should no longer be an automatic selection (after all, we want a team we can like). I'm glad Wade and Burns get another chance. If one of them fails in Melbourne, and Head and Green do enough to warrant another go, then drop them for Pucovski not Warner.
bungeye
Roar Rookie
Can you write a witty article about the misfortunes of the Indian Cricket team next time?
"Why can't Travis Head win us over with junk runs?" genuinely laughed at that, because it's so accurate haha
Tony
Roar Guru
Great stuff once again Dane. Happy Christmas.
bigbaz
Roar Guru
Might have been too subtle.
Paul
Roar Guru
So if Burns & Wade both fail in Melbourne, does Davvie open with the car seat in Melbourne/Sydney? Greene also has one more thing to do to surpass Watson - he has to refuse to do his homework, just like Watto did with Mickey Arthur. PS is there a reason why Virat needs to take Aussie toilet paper back to India? What's wrong with the Indian variety?
JOHN ALLAN
Guest
He had to push past a trolley filled with baby formula which was destined for another country, not India!
andyfnq
Roar Rookie
These are mostly spot on which is impressive. Sports comedy can be a surprisingly tricky genre, well done :laughing:
Gee
Roar Rookie
No Indian batsmen saw 11 :silly:
The Late News
Roar Rookie
Just wondering if Indian Customs and Immigration have limits on how much toilet paper Kholi can import in his luggage? And who did he have to fight with to fill the second trolley at Woolies?
bigbaz
Roar Guru
I have seen better 11s