Todd Payten is on pace to finish among the coaching greats, with the rookie clipboard holder’s short career already producing compounding irritation at the rate of dog years.
Despite only two games as a full-time coach, Payten is already being mentioned in the same breath as master mentor Craig Bellamy after racing from zero-to-varicose veins in record time.
Should the Cowboys maintain their current deflating form, the former Warriors stand-in could even surpass the famous record set by Wayne Bennett, which currently stands at 846 consecutive NRL games with the cranks.
Wayne Bennett. (Photo by Chris Hyde/Getty Images)
Payten cut a forlorn figure in the sheds after Saturday’s defeat to the Dragons, a loss in only in his second week. But if you think that looked bad, you should’ve seen him after his first.
While not as demonstrably insane as the Storm coach, Payten has barely concealed the utter despair of coaching by publicly naming and shaming million-dollar players and treating losses like funerals.
When pundits declared “this bloke could be anything” following his magic stint with New Zealand, they were right. Not only for prowess, but also the potential to reach mid-season looking like Bobcat Goldthwait.
Payten’s use of the hairdryer in his first week is an impressive trajectory of surliness for a coach, especially considering that at the same point in his career, Bellamy was only experiencing mild indigestion.
It all points to the 42-year-old being rugby league’s next great stress-head, with his name set to join illustrious company like Geoff Toovey, Ricky Stuart and others who have experienced premierships and/or an ECG.
As we know, coaching is an industry renowned for being a harsh mistress, causing many mighty men to fall victim to crippling indignance and pattern baldness before seeking refuge in commentary or Newcastle.
The only exception to the rule is Cranky Zen Bennett – who is 104 years old but doesn’t look a day over 106 – and Trent Robinson, who smokes.
Payten’s rapid transformation from temperate to pruney Brian Smith has proven again there is one guarantee in coaching: nothing cures sanity better than coaching the Warriors.
But after criticising Jason Taumalolo in his first week and questioning his side’s courage in the second, how will his season look at his current rate?
Jason Taumalolo (Ian Hitchcock/Getty Images)
Week 3: begins weekly phone call to Graham Annesley to “seek answers”.
Week 4: issues Annesley with a beeper and a sentinel.
Week 5: blows close finish at home by messing up his interchanges after being too busy slapping Michael Morgan in front of the grandstand.
Week 5: lightens up and invites fans to training, but only so he can kick chairs at them. Apologises, pleading ‘I’ve 17 blokes hurting in there.’
Week 6: rips change-room door off hinges and begins speaking in tongues. Hair returns in stunning bouffant.
Week 7: attends press conference openly weeping.
Week 8: attends press conference with slide guitar to lament in a depressing country music warble. NRL slaps him with $10,000 fine for disrepute.
Week 9: issued show-cause notice for regularly fogging up coaches boxes – and that’s only at training.
Week 10: demands an investigation.
Week 11: uses team-list Tuesday announcement to publicly challenge Cowboys CEO to an arm wrestle.
Week 26: finishes season in top eight or a straight jacket.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks for the feedback again everyone. Will be keeping an eye on Todd to see if Tim's prophecies come to light too
Spartacus
Roar Rookie
Great story as always Dane. As a connoisseur of irony and dry wit I applaud your efforts once again Dane. I especially like the oxymoron on the room "Payten’s use of the hairdryer". Great stuff!
ThighSlappinBalls
Roar Rookie
Gold bloody funny stuff
Dayer
Roar Rookie
I do not understand WHY is he playing Clifford as the starting half when he wont be there next year. best he can do with Clifford is put him on the bench. I thing Toad has lost the plot.
Paul
Roar Guru
The wife's not real happy with you Dane. She saw me reading your piece, in particular the Bobcat Goldthwait preference. The next thing she saw was me downloading the entire Police Academy series to watch tonight. I vaguely heard the word "doghouse" mentioned.
The Late News
Roar Rookie
Might have the grace and poise of a pregnant hippopotamus, or Rex Mossop on Sunday afternoons?
matth
Roar Guru
Beautifully done Dane, and an honourable mention for Tim Cater's week 12 and 13. I have this mental image now of late season press conference where Payton answers all questions through the medium of a sock puppet. Answers to all questions are exactly the same: "Look at me Frank, I'm an Iguana"
matth
Roar Guru
Beautiful, there is definitely not enough interpretive dance in rugby league. the fact he is an ex front rower makes it even more exciting.
Kman
Roar Rookie
Another Eldridge Classic. How you keep up such consistency in form is amazing! :stoked:
Big Daddy
Guest
You can't get into the coaches union unless you punch holes in walls, throw chairs and water bottles. He's only an apprentice at the moment . There should be an investigation into this !!!
Tony
Roar Guru
Well, for the time being anyway
Randy
Roar Rookie
at least he is happy to talk to the media. Not like Stuart or Bennett who are almost seething whenever they are asked questions
Tony
Roar Guru
Yeah, can’t get my head around that one
Tony
Roar Guru
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
Dutski
Roar Guru
Great stuff Dane, although the mental image of Payten with a bouffant is the stuff of nightmares.
andrew
Roar Rookie
Maybe Mary.
Rossi
Roar Rookie
Considering the Dragons attack went downhill fast after Mary got the arse, I wouldn't let Young anywhere near the attack! I can see him being a good defensive coach but attack, no way.
kk
Roar Pro
An invaluable Eldridge Educational. Truthful, generous and witty. Thanks to the Eldridge enlightenment Todd Payten now has the opportunity to do for the Cowboys what the Fastnet Rock lighthouse did for shipping in the English Chanel. Todd may still need Dane's advice on the recruitment front.
Tony
Roar Guru
Could be Seibold!
andrew
Roar Rookie
There's a bloke who walks around Surfers talking to pidgeons Tony. Next time i see him I'll see if it's Sticky.