The Liebke Second Ashes Test report card: 'Same old Aussies! Always appealing for wickets that the umpires give out’

The second Test of the Ashes at Lord’s began with an interruption by Just Stop Oil protesters and only got crazier from that point.

The members of the environmental activist group who somehow invaded the ground to release orange powder onto the wicket were swiftly countered by the orangest man in world cricket, Jonny Bairstow.

The England wicketkeeper responded to the invasion with typical pragmatism, simply picking up one of the protesters, lodging him beneath his arms and carrying him off the ground.

Disappointingly, however, Pat Cummins didn’t carry the protester immediately back on.

Bairstow then bookended the Test by being called upon to carry England home in a large fourth innings run chase. Did he succeed in that effort? Well, let’s see, shall we, via my report card for the second Ashes Test.

Steve Smith’s 9000th Test run

Grade: B+

The first session of the Test was obviously Bairstow’s. But it was also Australia’s, who had openers Usman Khawaja and David Warner survive almost until lunch.

This was despite dark, overhead clouds that twice saw players forced from the ground for a brief rain delay, much to the annoyance of those of us back in Australia, trying desperately to stay awake. In fact, I speak for all Australians and/or environmental protesters in saying: “Sort your climate out, England.”

Steve Smith celebrates reaching his century. (Photo by Mike Egerton/PA Images via Getty Images)

Even when Khawaja (bowled not playing a shot) and Warner (bowled missing a shot) were dismissed either side of lunch to Josh Tongue, Steve Smith came out to score his 9000th Test run – the vast majority of those thrashed in a frenzied start to this innings – putting the heat back on England.

Despite losing Alex Carey early on the second day, Smith continued to purr along to his 32nd Test century. The purring, by the way, is yet another weird idiosyncrasy for Smith to add to his repertoire.

I’m not sure I’ll ever fully understand Smith’s transition from ‘youngster selected to crack jokes in the dressing room’ to ‘all-time batting great who embodies humourless destruction.’ To be frank, it’s very weird.

Subtle Bazball traps

Grade: B+

At 7/393, though, Smith fell into one of Bazball’s more subtle traps. In the first Test, Ben Stokes had declared on 8/393, perhaps setting in Smith’s mind the idea that this was the new done thing.

As we all know by now, Bazball has changed the game so much forever and is saving Test cricket and is the only proper way to play the sport these days. So fair enough for Smith to assume if he got himself out, to make the score 8/393, Cummins would have no choice but to declare.

Cummins, however, is a stubborn traditionalist, who cares not one iota for the future of Test cricket and its Bazballian saviours. As far as he was concerned, the loss of Smith simply brought Nathan Lyon to the crease and the first Test also taught us that these are Australia’s two best batters.

Lyon would go on to prove that in the second innings, and Cummins proved it here, finishing the first innings not out and with a series batting average at that point of 104.

Unruly infants

Grade: D

In reply to Australia’s 416 all out, England soon surged to a strong position of 1/188, especially considering Lyon had been ruled out of the Test with a calf injury. Technically, of course, with Lyon, it’s not a calf injury, it’s a kid injury.

England simply had to wait out the bouncer barrage, tire the Australian quicks and feast on their exhaustion to surge to a first innings (and probable match-winning) lead.

Instead, they gleefully threw their wickets away, like unruly infants in a high chair. Yes, on the third morning, Stokes fell to a sharp catch from Cameron Green – the kind of thing that can happen to any of us when we least expect it.

But Harry Brook celebrated his half-century by swatting a chance straight to Cummins, as did Bairstow, perhaps also wanting to get a glimpse of the Australian captain’s dazzling smile.

With just the tail remaining, Cummins called for some Travis Head filth.

Australia’s number one, vegan-endorsed, GOAT substitute cleaned up a pair of England’s number elevens, taking the wickets of Stuart Broad and Ollie Robinson, who cunningly avoided the ignominy of being stumped by getting a feather on his wild waft instead. 

It’s no wonder they call Head ‘the mop’. Although that’s mostly because of the moustache, to be fair.

Gripping Cricket

Grade: D-

Australia’s second innings then soon developed into a battle of wills between England’s copycat interminable onslaught of bouncers and Australia’s interminable ducking and avoiding of bouncers.

It was gripping stuff. Assuming, that is, you enjoy being gripped by an overwhelming sense of deja vu, as ball after ball (after ball) followed the exact same path.

On the plus side, imagine how dull it would have been if England weren’t so devoted to saving Test cricket.

Nevertheless, despite the mindless repetition of it all, England’s tactics eventually bore wickets (quite literally). Khawaja got bored with batting sensibly and holed out. Smith got bored with playing tennis shots that saw him fall on his bottom where he could practise the shot once more and holed out.

Finally, Lyon restored insanity to the contest by hobbling to the crease to hang around with Mitchell Starc for the final wicket. Unable to take singles – to widespread booing from the knowledgeable Lord’s crowd – the pair swatted a few boundaries and fifteen vital runs to set England 371 to win.

Ashes miracles

Grade: D-

England’s chase was swiftly undone by a pair of blitzes from Starc and Cummins, who reduced the home side to 4/45. It left the home side desperately hoping that Stokes could pull off yet another Ashes miracle run chase on the final day.

Then, when Bairstow was dozily stumped by a clever Carey off the bowling of Green (!), the enraged crowd started chanting ‘same old Aussies! Always appealing for wickets that the umpires give out’.

Jonny Bairstow looks frustrated after being run out by Alex Carey. (Photo by Mike Egerton/PA Images via Getty Images)

Their fury transferred to Stokes who threatened to repeat the miracle of Headingley, exploding into action with a magnificent 155.

Here’s the thing about miracles, though. Almost by definition, you can’t rely on them happening. (No, not even if you have a Pope in your side.)

And so it proved, with Carey disgustingly holding onto a skied shot that Stokes didn’t even intend to hit there. Ugly stuff from the Aussies. Is this how you want to make your name, Alex? I’m surprised a keeper with so much talent resorts to hanging onto catches as well as completing stumpings.

You don’t see Bairstow stooping to such appalling depths.