Parkes Life: 'Can't lift, can't throw' - Wallabies' comical ineptitude just part of a strange World Cup trend

It’s Alfred Dunhill Links Championship time again this week at the home of golf, St Andrews, where New Zealand’s Ryan Fox, coming off a great win in the BMW PGA at Wentworth, teed it up today as reigning champion, shooting six-under; good enough for for a share of 10^th, two shots off the pace, after the opening round.

This is a tournament where pros compete for the big prize, but also play with an amateur partner; what for the likes of Gareth Bale, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Andy Garcia, Huey Lewis, Stuart Broad, Jimmy Anderson and others, must be the thrill of a lifetime.

Heck, having survived Brett Lee in the SCG nets, and numerous bouts of ‘foot in mouth’ disease, even Piers Morgan gets a tee time!

Fox’s win last year was made all the more poignant because he dedicated the victory to his old Dunhill partner, Shane Warne. Warnie loved the tournament to his back teeth, and played it as hard – and as well – as he played Test cricket.

Warne was also involved in one of Australian cricket’s most contentious events, the embarrassingly public criticism of Scott Muller, in the second of what were only two Test matches for Australia in 1999, where, after an errant throw, a derisively delivered “can’t bowl, can’t throw” came through the audio into living rooms around Australia. The sarcastic comment was widely agreed to have come from Warne, a teammate of Muller’s, on the field.

Warne went to his grave denying that he was the one who said it, and a Nine Network cameraman named ‘Joe’ stepped forward to take the rap, albeit with few people believing him.

If ‘Joe the Cameraman’ happened to be in France covering the World Cup I expect he would find himself repeating the phrase many times over, such has been the prevalence of poor lineout execution during the tournament. “Can’t lift, can’t throw”.

This doesn’t apply to all teams, in particular New Zealand who, despite losing to France on opening night, are running at 97% success. On the next tier, Argentina, France, South Africa and Portugal are executing on or around 90%.

After that, things get murky. In a campaign full of inglorious moments, none stands out more than the Wallabies’ failed lineout nearing halftime against Wales. It wasn’t just that they blew their only real opportunity to climb back into the match, but the comical ineptitude of the lineout itself.

Of the other leading contenders, Fiji is winning just three of four on their own throw, while Ireland went into meltdown against South Africa, losing a scarcely believable six against the throw.

Australia and Wales contest a line out during the Rugby World Cup 2023, Pool C match at the OL Stadium in Lyon, France. Picture date: Sunday September 24, 2023. (Photo by Andrew Matthews/PA Images via Getty Images)

Should the sides meet again, South Africa’s scope for improvement via better goal-kicking should be offset by Ireland improving their lineout. Their camp is confident the problem has already been put to bed; a problem with the height and timing of the lift as opposed to the throw, but game after game has been marked by sides giving up easy possession, often of their own volition, under assumed rather than real pressure being applied from the defensive line-out.

Like all statistics, there are some caveats; things are actually worse in practice than they are on the stats sheet. The completion rates record ball that was won by the throwing side, but not the quality of the possession.

There’s a big difference between taking it clean off the top and launching into an attacking midfield move on the front foot, versus scrambling an ugly tap and being forced into a defensive, backpedalling maul.

Given the elongated nature of the tournament and the amount of time the squads have in between matches, this seems inexcusable. With points at a premium and ‘red zone conversion’ increasingly important as things enter the sudden death stage, look for the lineout to play a crucial role in determining who progresses.

World Cups always throw up unexpected personalities, and none has been bigger this time around than Chile coach, Pablo Lemoine. Lemoine took the opportunity to launch into World Rugby and the very real prospect that his team, and other developing nations like Portugal and Uruguay may well arrive in Australia in 2027, not having played another match against Tier 1 opposition between now and then.

That’s entirely unsatisfactory, and it is high time that all nations, and World Rugby did something concrete to develop the sport globally, instead of offering weasel words and continuing to run a protection racket.

Lemoine looks like an engaging character who would be great value over a beer or coffee.

Who knows, I might even pluck up the courage to ask him to rip out a verse or two of ‘Coward of the County’ or ‘The Gambler’.

Everyone I met in San Sebastian was quick to say how much it rains in the Basque Country.

Which didn’t at all correspond to the four glorious, sunny days that saw La Concha and Gros beaches filled with sun worshippers, prior to them hitting the bars and cafes of the old town to indulge in the local sport of ‘Pintxossing’.

What a challenge it is too, bewildered by choice, eyes invariably bigger than stomachs, trying desperately to keep to a balanced diet; pintxos (Basque finger food), beer and red wine. All, I must add, at less than half of Paris and Lyon prices.

There was time for a side visit to Bilbao and its striking Guggenheim Museum, which proved less of a museum and more of an art gallery, with collections and displays from Pablo Picasso, Andy Warhol, Jeff Koons and the impressive and prolific Japanese artist Yayoi Kusama.

Two pieces of good fortune befell me; a chance meeting at a bar with a local Japanese chef and waitress, which turned into a long lunch the next day, at a superb Bodega off the tourist trail, the kind that only ‘in the know’ locals frequent.

I was also lucky enough to enjoy the New Zealand versus Italy match in the company of three charming Irish lasses, Ellen, Karen and Mary, along with chaperone for the evening, Paddy.

The level of rugby IP was high, the laughs were many, and they all head to Paris and a date with Scotland tomorrow night, just a wee bit nervous about Ireland confirming their quarter-final spot.

Perhaps they’d been listening to my colleague Harry Jones, who is sneaky bullish on the Scots, but for all of Darcy Graham making mincemeat of the Romanians, he didn’t execute when he had the chance against South Africa, and I expect Ireland will bring too much big-match pressure for the ‘wee jimmies’ to bear.

We watched the match at an ‘Irish Pub’ in the old town, that, save for two dirt cheap prints on the wall of ‘Irish houses’ and ‘Irish flowers’, was the least Irish establishment you could imagine. Not even a splash of green, nor a token shamrock, or the Cranberries over the PA, or two brothers knocking each other’s teeth out, in the lane outside. Lift your game, ‘Belfast’ sports bar.

Although sad to leave Spain, it felt good to arrive in Bordeaux; proper rugby country. That’s despite it being provider of another of those ‘classic French’ experiences, after I went to the local post agency to collect a document I’d had sent across from Australia.

“Non!” said the gentleman, upon my showing him the advice notice I’d received on my phone.

With the said ‘customer service’ person unwilling or unable to expand on that, I sought out his colleague, a young lady who bore a striking resemblance to Serena Williams, with a backhand just as powerful.

“No, I don’t speak English”, she said. “But I just heard you speaking English to another customer”, I queried.
With that, she fixed her eyes in the kind of steely stare Williams gets when she’s just about to blast an ace, and said, slowly and deliberately, “I told you, I don’t speak any English.”

All delivered in perfect English.

Luckily a third person came along who was slightly more helpful and we determined – not so luckily as it happened – that the document was at another agency, located in an industrial estate, approximately halfway to Paris. A good day for Uber.

The All Blacks rounded off their pool play overnight with a 73-0 win over Uruguay, Lyon. It might have taken some time to crank up the scoring machine, but one suspects that Uruguay’s persistence at the breakdown and insistence on carrying close, was better value for the All Blacks than last week’s romp over Italy.

With a handful of first-choice starters rested, the All Blacks got an impressive full 80 minutes out of captain Sam Cane, and referee Wayne Barnes was close to applying the mercy rule at the scrum. But unsurprisingly, it was in the wider channels where Uruguay was no match, struggling to contain Damian McKenzie, Leicester Fainga’anuku and Will Jordan.

Damian McKenzie of New Zealand is tackled by Gaston Mieres of Uruguay during the Rugby World Cup France 2023 match between New Zealand and Uruguay at Parc Olympique on October 05, 2023 in Lyon, France. (Photo by Paul Harding/Getty Images)

After a couple of weeks of the All Blacks successfully laying low, coach Ian Foster’s comments bemoaning static play went down like a lead balloon, and opened him up for ridicule should his side fall later in the competition, to a side like South Africa.

There is actually a conversation to be had around what type of game we want rugby to be; a continual evolution into a competition of the strongest and most powerful, or a game of evasion and ball movement.

The answer of course is all of that, as sides choose fit to determine for themselves. The key, as always, is to ensure that a balance is maintained, and that any side wishing to play a certain type of game, isn’t disadvantaged by nature of them doing just that.

To finish this week, travellers in France will have noticed signs bordering the fan zones and on banners outside pubs, proclaiming “Coupe de monde”. Consulting Mr Google, I expected to find that to translate to ‘World Cup’. Instead, I was surprised when my search delivered “World blow” as the result.

World blow? Surely, this couldn’t be right? If so, Colombia would not only have qualified, but be favourite. Or the Hawkes Bay Ranfurly Shield team. Or there would be a team of cheerleaders from Dallas, all called Debbie.