Dear Channel Nine, I write to you as one of many frustrated rugby league fans. Please hear me out.
This letter is not about the infuriatingly poor quality of your NRL commentary team, nor is it focussed on the laughably tired format and tone of your Footy Show.
I don’t even intend to complain about your match sheduling that only seems to pay attention to 10, at best, of the 16 clubs. I will not focus on your pathetic, deplorable coverage of rugby league (at NRL, State of Origin and international levels) outside of New South Wales and Queensland.
Your conduct in that regard, particularly, is a heinous farce for which I hope the NRL punishes you dearly when broadcast rights are soon negotiated. However, as promised, this letter will leave that alone.
So what is the point of this letter, you ask? Moving past the grievances all sensible-minded rugby league fans have with your network, I can now move on to my current gripe: your coverage of the English Super League.
It has bs been bugging me for years, the question that floats into my mind at the most inoportune moments. Why did you buy the rights, only to broadcast the games in the post-midnight hours of Sunday and Monday nights?
While it’s clear from much of your programming decision-making in general that your executives are quite clueless when it comes to understanding how society functions, or what concerns most ordinary intelligent people, I’d have thought that it obvious that no one will be watching delayed sporting telecasts in these hours.
While the cocaine-infused lifestyles of your best and brightest programmers might suggest otherwise, I can confidently guarantee that the majority of working Australians are, in fact, asleep at these times.
If you could explain yourself, providing an answer to the question which has so long haunted me, I would be eternally grateful. I am tired of this vexing riddle constantly drifting into my thoughts!
I have devoted years to this conundrum – losing women, friends and the respect of my work colleagues in the process – but still I am none the wiser. Despite the advice I once heard in a martial arts film about how a warrior must “understand their enemy” before engaging in battle, I write now to concede that I have no idea how you operate.
What goes through your mind, Channel Nine? Your network now has three channels, including Gem and Go. Is this really the best you can do?
I hope you will enlighten me, though after years of disappointment at your hands, I won’t hold my breath.
Yours, resigned to failure,