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With Cronulla captain Paul Gallen’s mobile phone allegedly confiscated by Sydney customs officials last weekend, there is one question on every NRL fans lips – what is on Gal’s blower?
While the whole sports anti-corruption investigation has to date had more leaks than Russell Packer after a swim and a dozen Gatorades, so far the contents of Gallen’s Nokia 3310 remain a closely guarded secret of the government and Channel Seven’s ‘Border Security’.
In what has become the most talked about telecommunications incident in Cronulla since ET tried to phone home, the secrecy on display by all has only fanned the flames of speculation.
And, with Gallen not about to come out and clear the air, maybe it’s time we footy fans put our heads together to work this thing out for Joe Public.
So what are we talking about here, a Tiger Woods-style rolodex? A string of saucy Shane Warne-esque texts? Or a couple of husky Deepthroat-style voice messages asking to meet him in the car park behind the weight loss clinic?
Hmmm, potentially, but probably not.
What we do know about Gallen is that he’s not you run of the mill 2013 footy player.
No ridiculous hairdo, tight chinos, social media account and arty tats (although he does sport an old school cartoon devil on his right buttock) for Gal.
While your Benji Marshalls of this world may be comparing the number of runs they’ve got in recent weeks with the Australian cricket team on Twitspace, it’s likely Gallen’s phone is a bit like your Dad’s.
That is, a complete shemozzle of poorly punctuated texts, numerous missed calls and wrongly applied phone applications.
Unless I‘ve completely misjudged the Sutherland Shire’s Superman, I’m 100% sure as your average NRL video referee that Gal’s phone would contain:
– A ringtone that plays a tinny ‘Up, Up Cronulla’ against a Greg Bird screensaver.
– A missed call from a flustered sounding Ricky Stuart regarding Parramatta membership.
– An early morning voice message from Anthony Minichiello from the week before Origin, which when played sounds suspiciously like Mark Gasnier.
– Cabelo’s ‘Gazelle Hunt’ the game.
– A reminder note to ‘Pinch Nate in fact!’
– Another missed call from a slightly more desperate Ricky Stuart about memberships.
– A response to an invitation to play the popular ‘Draw it’ app game from teammate Wade Graham, which simply has “I’m not here to draw you no f–king picture!” scrawled across a white background.
– The Roar‘s phone app logged in under the name ‘Oikee’.
– 87 texts from some lady named Asada (is that Portuguese?) whose messages start by saying she just wants to catch up for a chat, yet become increasingly desperate as the dates go on. Groupies be crazy.
– Several unopened snapchat messages from the Burgess brothers.
As you can see, while a tad confusing in places, the contents of Gal’s phone are all above board with nary a mention of any of these shady rumours that have been dogging the Sharks.
The feds have got the wrong man I tells you, and by confiscating superstar Gallen’s private property, they run the risk of his phone and numerous footballing celebrity contacts and VIP Northies booking numbers falling into the hands.
You know who I’m talking about.
The Chinese. The Russians. The Australian Rugby Union.
Or, even worse than all of them…
Robert Lui’s cousin!
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