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Darkness.
A spluttering sound comes from the shadows. A gasp as a faint light appears. This is KEITH WOOD, in his Irish strip. He squints in a vain attempt to get his bearings.
KEITH WOOD
Hey! Is anybody there? Someone, please help me!
Silence. As his eyes grow accustomed to the dim light, he notices he is chained to a dressing room bench. The frantic clinking of chains as he tries to shake himself loose.
OS DU RANDT (O.S.)
There’s no point in yelling. We’ve already tried that.
KEITH WOOD
(Hysterical) Who’s there? And who’s we?
PATRICIO NORIEGA (O.S.)
Calm down! This isn’t the first fifteen minutes of an Irish Test. No need to do your nut.
KEITH WOOD
What the hell’s that supposed to mean?
SÉBASTIEN CHABAL (O.S.)
If you don’t shut up I’m going to wrap these chains around your head and do the job for you.
KEITH WOOD
Will someone please just tell me what’s going on here!
JOHN EALES (O.S.)
Nobody’s really quite sure what’s going on.
DAVID CAMPESE (O.S.)
Nobody likes to talk about himself in the third person.
JOHN EALES (O.S.)
Put a sock in it, Campo.
DAVID CAMPESE (O.S.)
I don’t have to. I fill my shorts out just fine, unlike some of you fairies.
OLIVIER MAGNE (O.S.)
Nom de Dieu, do you ever stop talking? Just shut your trap or I’ll shut it for you.
DAVID CAMPESE (O.S.)
Mate, I understand more when your Caveman teammate talks.
GAVIN HASTINGS (O.S.)
Gentlemen, please! Fighting isn’t going to help us find a way out of here.
DAVID CAMPESE (O.S.)
Yeah, good one, Gav. Put us all to sleep with your boring voice. Are you related to Nigel Mansell by any chance?
A bloodcurdling cry of frustration. The ripping of chains from the wall. The sound of a heavy blow connecting to a face.
RICHARD HILL (O.S.)
Not so lippy now, are you?
With a loud click and an even louder buzzing sound, a row of fluorescent lights comes to life. The fifteen men shield their eyes, as the sudden change from pitch black to bright white is all too much for them. David Campese’s face is a bloody mess. His body hangs limp in the chains bolted to the hook on the wall. Richard Hill shakes his wrist and wipes the blood off his knuckles.
VILIAMI OFAHENGAUE
What’s that on the floor?
Viliami Ofahengaue points to an envelope in the middle of the floor. Richard Hill walks towards it gingerly. Hovers over it, looking at the words written in black ink: “PLAY ME”.
JOOST VAN DER WESTHUIZEN
Don’t just stand there like an idiot. Pick it up!
Richard Hill clenches his fist and wheels round to confront his taunter. Takes one look at van der Westhuizen’s penetrating stare and is forced to turn away from those eyes that seem capable of destroying a man’s soul.
RICHARD HILL
What if it’s a booby trap?
HUGO PORTA
What if it’s an explanation to all of this? Is it just me or do we all look a lot younger?
The fifteen men look at one another decked out in their respective countries’ Test strip. They nod to one another in baffled agreement.
TIM HORAN
He’s right. We all look like kids again.
JACQUE FOURIE
You certainly do but then again you never were known for your size. I don’t know who’s smaller. You or Aplon.
GIO APLON
How is this possible? And I think I’m definitely bigger than Shane Williams.
TIM HORAN
Mate, that’s not saying much. My thumb is bigger than Shane Williams.
Jacque Fourie’s jaw opens as he looks over at Joost van der Westhuizen.
JACQUE FOURIE
You’ll forgive me, boet, for pointing this out but your age is the least surprising change with you.
GIO APLON
He’s right. Your condition…
JOOST VAN DER WESTHUIZEN
Jeez, I’d love to get up and do a little dance of joy but I appear to be chained by the neck to the freaking wall.
KEITH WOOD
He’s right. This isn’t the time for celebrations. Open up the envelope, Richard.
RICHARD HILL
Who made you captain of this World XV. all of a sudden? Open it up yourself, Tweedledum.
GAVIN HASTINGS
Gentlemen, we all appear to be in grave danger. This is neither the place nor time for petty bickering. We need to…
TIM HORAN
Fair suck of the sav, someone wake up Campo. Anything than listen to Hastings drone on.
SÉBASTIEN CHABAL
He may be more painful than listening to Johnny Hallyday, Horan, but he’s got a point. Please Richard, open up the envelope.
Richard Hill hesitates before looking at the others chained to the wall. Gives Chabal a solemn nod. Bends over and picks the envelope up. Fourteen pairs of eyes lock onto Hill as he opens it up.
RICHARD HILL
It’s a DVD.
OLIVIER MAGNE
There’s a TV behind you, mon ami.
All eyes lock onto the TV screen as Richard Hill inserts the DVD into the reader and turns on the screen. A flickering light reveals intermittently an abandoned warehouse. A man dressed all in black wearing a balaclava speaks to a camera.
KIA KAHA
Gentlemen, welcome to the House of Pain. Some of you may never have played here before and for all of you this could well be the venue for your last ever Test match.
Kia Kaha moves aside to reveal a floor littered with bloody bodies. The heads of Joe Roff, Jason Robinson, John Jeffrey, Serge Blanco, Stephen Larkham, Shane Williams, Victor Matfield, Jason Leonard, Emile Ntmack are recognisable with tortured expressions etched into their faces. Kia Kaha moves to a conveyor belt where Chris Latham is tied and gagged. A flick of a switch and a buzz saw begins to sound.
KIA KAHA
There has been an intense and brutal selection process. Some players like Latham here should have pulled up their socks but ultimately, if you’ll excuse the irony, they just didn’t quite make the cut.
DAVID CAMPESE (sniggering)
Didn’t make the cut.
The players look at Campese aghast as if he were the New Zealand couple who tried to call their baby 4Real and ended up calling it Superman because numerals are not allowed. Their faces suddenly turn to horror and revulsion as Latham’s horrific screams fill the dressing room and the sound of the buzz saw doing its deadly work.
DAVID CAMPESE (CONT.)
What? It was a good line…
KIA KAHA
Feel justifiably proud that you have been chosen out of many candidates as my favourite players I have witnessed playing the game I so dearly love. You are about to take the field in a sudden death knockout match with my favourite All Black team.
DAVID CAMPESE (sniggering)
Sudden death knockout match. This guy’s a class act.
KIA KAHA
You have all been fitted with something that should ensure you strive to end up on the winning side. Attempt to leave the ground, go for a draw or lose the game and your minds will be blown at how bad a sore loser I am. The game begins in five minutes.
The players reach behind their necks and their eyes open wide as they feel something embedded in their necks. The chains around their necks suddenly click open. The players take turns looking at one another’s necks.
DAVID CAMPESE
Fair dinkum, this guy’s a psycho.
KEITH WOOD
No shit Sherlock! What gave it away for you?
HUGO PORTA
We have to play his favourite All Blacks team and our lives are at stake?!
The penny drops, albeit quicker for some.
GIO APLON
I certainly hope he hated watching Jonah Lomu.
SÉBASTIEN CHABAL
Merde, we don’t even know who we’re up against.
OLIVIER MAGNE
I guess we’ll find out when they do the haka. I hope we can at least stand up close and confront them.
JOHN EALES
Who’s going to be the ref?
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.