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With the newest and last edition of the current format of Super Rugby coming to a climactic all Kiwi close this weekend, I’ve noticed a lot of seriousness going around on The Roar.
Are the relatively weak showings of the Australian and South African Conferences omens of what is to come for the Springboks and Wallabies? Are Michael Cheika and Heyneke Meyer doomed to a life of Riley? Are the All Blacks concerned that they won’t win every single game this year by margins of 50?
Let loose guys, we’re halfway through the year. Next week sees the end of phase one for the southern hemisphere nations and two phases remain.
The friendly scheduled against the World XV at Newlands and the historic match against Samoa are appetisers of phase two which is obviously the shortened Rugby Championship and that will be followed by the all important phase three, the Rugby World Cup.
There is no need for doom and gloom yet. Super Rugby is not the real test of endurance. The gold and green and the green and gold teams might not be affected by the performances of the club competition.
So with that out of the way, let’s have some relative fun with identifying the things we all love, hate and would love to see in rugby union.
1. The five day Test match
To show how loosened up we’re going to be here, let’s start with the unrealistic, yet ever attractive prospect of having rugby union adopt cricket’s five day Test match format.
We’ll never see it, it’s not realistic and it’s too complicated to employ, but what the heck we are delving into the hypothetical.
Imagine a span of Tests running from Tuesday to Saturday. The scores of the first day gets carried over into the second which is carried over to the third and so forth. Imagine how cool it would be if the uninitiated turns on his television on a Saturday and tunes in on a Springbok versus Wallaby game with the score of 120-117 hanging about on the upper left screen? 15 tries scored to 14, 56 linebreaks, 67 offloads and 89 kicks from hand and the time on the board says only 67:15.
Those who watch cricket have surely contemplated the funny prospect of a rugby union five day Test match? Or am I alone in my insanity? Of course it’s not a realistic dream and I would not want it to become mainstream in rugby, but it would be cool as a change every once in a blue moon.
A country selects a squad of say 50 to 60 and the use of that squad is interchangeable. You pick a match day of 23 players for the first game and after that you swap in, out and back in as the days go by. Duane Vermeulen might play Tuesday and then again on Thursday.
Of course the physical nature of rugby means that this is not good for a players health, but don’t net that stop you from dreaming the impossible. It’s a fun daydream every now and again, or I’m just losing it. Either one.
2. The cross code competition
This one is not so unbelievable or unrealistic as it’s already happened twice in South Africa where the Springboks challenged the Proteas to a fun-spirited game of cricket.
As a homage to the late former president Nelson Mandela, for the past two years the national cricket and rugby teams have come together to play a game of T20 cricket where every six amounts to a sum of money given to charity. The Proteas won the first game with the Springboks winning the second.
It’s a light-hearted, comedic and relaxing experience. I saw Willem Alberts hit the biggest six I have ever seen in my life, clearing it out of the stadium with consummate ease. The game started equally as comedic with Dale Steyn opening the game with what looked to be one of his fastest bowling which resulted in him dropping the ball just as he reached the crease, only to jog along to the opening batsman, Victor Matfield, to take a selfie with the giant lock forward.
Former Stormers hooker, Tiaan Liebenberg, was soon after dismissed for a clear LBW. But he would not leave the field as the commentators mused, “Good luck telling an angry Springbok hooker to leave the field.” before a flying Duane Vermeulen, a man of his own team, tackled him off as he reluctantly made his way to the changing room. Only the year before that, batsman Bismarck du Plessis was given a yellow card for shoving the bowler away with a semi shoulder-charge as he went for two runs.
But it was last year when the Proteas had to discipline one of their own for atrocious play. Victor Matfield sent Aaron Phangiso packing in the first ball, bowling him out cleanly. Phangiso made his way to his teammates on the side before the Proteas manager for the game, Faf du Plessis, stopped him and pointed him to the showers. Phangiso had to walk around the entire length of the field as penance. His walk of shame saw him disappear within the stands, not to be seen again for the entire match.
The Proteas also saw fit to handicap themselves by picking a radio presenter, Whackhead Radio, in their team. “Whacky” was subjected to an array of missed catches before Duane Vermeulen sneaked up on him while he was fielding and tackled him, preventing a certain catch that would have dismissed batsman Handré Pollard. Prior to the game Pollard said he would play his cricket like he plays his rugby, attacking and swinging at everything in sight, no block shots at all. Eventually the Springboks won, but not before Whackhead scored 24 runs off of six balls.
Seeing the 116 kilogram Duane Vermeulen dive and catch a ball shooting for a six was something to behold.
Talks are that the Proteas will engage the Boks at Ellis Park next year for a game of touchies before the Boks take on Bafana Bafana at Soccer City for a game of football.
It’s a highly entertaining affair that leaves you with a smile and other countries should really try it. I think seeing the All Blacks and Black Caps square off after each have done a haka would be a lovely spectacle.
3. A smart South African player
Here in the Republic there is a rumour going around surrounding former Wallaby coach, Rod MacQueen where he reportedly commented to the South African media that “South African players are big, strong, fast… And unbelievably stupid.”
That was a joke by the way, but when you hear the general consensus of foreigners regarding the intellectual capacity of South African rugby players, it must be true. The recently resurrected South African Roarer, Biltongbek, alluded to this fact. He called Victor Matfield stupid, just in other words.
The Kiwis on The Roar all seem to be under the illusion that each Springbok player’s IQ is the same number as his shoe size. The Australian Roarers all seem to believe that each and every Springbok player’s IQ starts with a comma.
The South Africans here on The Roar? We pretty much agree with them.
4. A humble Kiwi player
In the deepest of rugby circles you will always find the Kiwi. How not? They are the best rugby nation in the world and by a fair margin these days. They’ll tell you that their players are smart, skillful, ambidextrous and the most humble human beings you will ever encounter.
The rest of the world chokes when they hear the word humble and Kiwi go in the same sentences. Richie McCaw is faultless. Truly humble, contrite, forgiving, wise and has the best damn head of hair this side of the horizontal equator. But then you have… Those other guys.
Take a good listen to Kiwi teams. When they do something good whether it be a dominant scrum, winning a penalty or scoring a try, they all make the most strangest noises known to man, alien and animal. Why do they make these strange, inhuman noises?
I compare it to a strongly written symphony as there are octaves upon octaves of eerie screaming. You get the deep, solemn voices, those voices akin to Vin Diesel. Then you get the baritone voice, those edging between high and low, the voice of Joe Elliot in Def Leppard.
And then there’s that arrogant, annoying high pitched, squeeky voice like Barbara Streisand. This is the voice that epitomises Kiwi arrogance. Who exactly is this high pitched screamer screaming “Woo Hoo”?
Yes, I am just joking about the arrogant part, but I really do want to know who those high pitched screamers are in New Zealand. It’s really annoying. I know you should celebrate when something good happens, but the Kiwi high pitch screamer just takes it too far.
5. A physical Australian player
Yep, still waiting for this one. Although we probably should say we’re still waiting for a mongrel colossus of an Aussie player who is also fit and disciplined, so Will Skelton just doesn’t count.
Good thing is that they have Michael Hooper who is irrefutably the most fearsome ball carrier of our time. When hit by Hooper you feel disoriented, dazed and awestruck.
Mostly because it feels like being hit by a nice, soft two ply roll of toilet paper. Timani’s a gem though.
6. A rugby stadium in the southern hemisphere that doesn’t boo.
Yeah, we’re all to blame for this one. It all started with Newlands which has become known for booing the kicker whenever he lines up for the shot. Even if it is the Stormers kicker. It’s simply just not sportsmanlike and it’s a real blemish on South African rugby.
It’s almost like South Africans can’t seem to acknowledge when their teams are the reason that the opposition has the opportunity to kick over some points. It’s simple really, if you don’t want the opposition to be in that position to score points then boo at your own players for screwing up, gifting them the points in the first place.
But that’s OK because in everything rugby related, New Zealand aims to better us, booing included. It seems the memo in the long white cloud that whether it be foul play, a penalty or even a knock on that is blown against them then you must boo loudly.
Three times last weekend the Hurricanes looked sure to score only to knock the ball on or pass forward and the referee blew accordingly. The reaction was an array of booing as it always is there. It’s kind of like :
Kiwi #1 : Boo!
Kiwi #2 : Sorry mate, got a little bit distracted. What’s going on?
Kiwi #1 : Bloody ref stopped us from scoring!
Kiwi #2 : Aw come on! What happened?
Kiwi #1 : He said we knocked on!
Kiwi #2 : Well did we?
Kiwi #1 : Well yeah, but… We would’ve scored if we hadn’t.
Kiwi #2 : I see your point.
Kiwi #1 and #2 : Boo!
That about sums it up in Kiwi land.
The Aussies are actually the least booing nation between us all. They only start booing when someone like Craig Joubert sends off someone like Jacques Potgieter for a swinging arm. Go figure. It’s not tolerable either, but it’s better than South Africans disrespectfully booing every opposing kicker lining up for the shot or Kiwis booing for just about anything and everything the ref blows them up for as if they expect the rules not to apply to them.
The big thing is, can everyone please just stop booing? It’s not very nice.
I’m sure that there are a lot more things that various Roarers love, hate or want to see in rugby union, so in the comments section please name them and we’ll have a great time deciding if they’re crazy or not.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.