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In a Roar exclusive, we spoke to cricket scientist. The interviewee did not wish to be identified for fear it would have a negative impact on their employment prospects.
Interviewer: So you work at a cricket science company in the retirements division?
Interviewee: Yes, it’s a lovely euphemism isn’t it?
Yeah. And what is it you do there?
I put people under the microscope.
Oh really, what’s the microscope like?
It’s been updated in recent decades, becoming more and more electronic.
So, what is morale like in the retirements division?
Terrible – it was great before the Ashes. “Harris should retire for his own wellbeing”, “Clarke is a Marke(d) Man”, “Brad Has-been”, “Watto – gonno?” and “Rogers’ retirement reversal a mistake”. Now we have to downsize the division.
What about Mitchell Johnson and Peter Siddle?
The problem is that Johnson is still bowling too well. As for Siddle, we were campaigning for him to play in the Ashes. We can’t be seen as backtracking straight away. But yes, we have our ‘negative Siddle’ hypothesis written with all the appropriate updates.
What about Adam Voges? He’s 390 years old, only moves on a cricket field through the aid of a wheelchair and bats with a caveman’s club.
Unfortunately that’s not actually true. Voges is only 35, pretty fit and probably still in Australia’s best six batsmen. Yes, we’ll examine him, but you have to start campaigns small. Otherwise, you are accused of going over the top and our material won’t be accepted in the peer-reviewed scientific community.
We also have to reconcile any ‘Voges must go’ conclusions with experiments from other parts of the company, which are trying to prove that we need some experience in the Australian side. Even at full capacity, Voges and Siddle won’t provide a quarter of the work Watson was expected to provide on his own.
They also just made Voges vice-captain for the Bangladesh tour over Nathan Lyon, because he’s a good leader for Western Australia.
I know what you’re thinking, that’s worth scrutiny, but that’s a story for our future captains unit. Actually, I might apply for a transition there; they have so many discos. I’ve often envied them.
Hang on – discos?
They like crystal balls.
Right. Don’t you also have a youth division that’ll need extra staff?
That’s true but there are drawbacks. For starters, you have to temper your conclusions and always include hope. You always try to say, “They can make it back.” It doesn’t matter if you think they won’t make it back. A Sri Lankan scientist made that mistake after someone started his Test career with one run in six innings.
Why was it a mistake? Who was the Sri Lankan player?
Marvan Atapattu.
Oh. Are there any other pitfalls of being in the youth division?
You can’t be playful with younger players in the same way as older players. Modern PR training has told them only to leave a prepared, bland substance for us with microscopes to examine.
That’s sort of the fault of people like you, isn’t it?
Don’t go over the top. It’s not as if we are out to get them all the time. We often do nice experiments on them, their background. It’s one reason I became a cricket scientist. And players do get picked for longer than they should.
Why not try some original research?
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Well, what about doing some work on the BAHA Men?
The Baha Men? What do the singers of ‘Who let the dogs out’ have to do with cricket?
No, not those guys. The male partners of Australia’s female cricketers – male equivalents of the WAGs – known as the Boyfriends And Husbands Australia Men.
(Thoughtfully) Worth a thought I guess.
We’ll have to leave it there, thanks for coming in.
Thanks for having me – are you about to retire incidentally?
Get out!
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