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Sportspeople are good at many things. Endorsing products on nationally-syndicated commercials, however, is not one of them.
In theory, it makes sense to throw oversized bags of cash at a celebrity to say nice things about a product.
They’re beloved by legions of fans, they’re trusted implicitly and they stand at the very apex of the Australian cultural pantheon.
But as we all know, a lot of things work in theory that don’t exactly pan out in reality.
For instance, in theory, my beloved, top-of-the-table Sydney Swans should have wiped the floor with the Western Bulldogs in last year’s Grand Final.
And yet here I am, still staring blankly into the distance wondering how it all went so horribly wrong.
It’s a similar conundrum with sports players. In theory, an endorsement from them is a no-brainer.
But in reality, it turns out that dedicating your life entirely to the noble pursuit of sporting greatness doesn’t always leave a lot of room to become an on-camera star.
So on that, we present to you a definitive list of the worst celebrity endorsements in the history of Australian sport, in partnership with Foxtel, where you don’t have to sit through cringeworthy celebrity endorsements during the game because… well, it’s ad-free while the game’s on during AFL, NRL and Motorsport season.
Dave Warner has plenty of personality – his century celebration is iconic, and he gives ripper press conferences – but all of that disappeared in the inescapable and inescapably awful OLED commercials that rang in the 2016/17 Australian summer of cricket.
I have SO many questions.
1. Why is he relaxing on his couch watching screensavers?
2. Did the blacks in the OLED really stand out? That’s a super bizarre thing to say.
3. Is the biggest selling point of the TV that black looks good on it?
4. Why is he sitting so weird?
5. Why is he just standing on the balcony, completely alone, just staring into the abyss?
6. I struggle to believe that after taking on the world’s fastest bowlers the thing David Warner is most excited about is sitting in front his couch watching his OLED. Are you lying to us, Dave?
Tubby Taylor’s Fujitsu ads have been going on for years now – so maybe they’re doing something right. But you can’t escape the fact that all of the ads are just… not quite right.
He’s always doing something weird and distracting like bouncing a cricket ball on his bat or playing the mandolin for some reason, so you never actually listen to what he’s saying about the air conditioner.
Which brings me to my second point: why would I care what famous-non-expert Mark Taylor has to say about air conditioners? I barely care what he has to say about the cricket.
Shaq is the best. This is not my opinion, this is a cold hard fact.
Exhibit A:
Another fact is that he has endorsed literally a billion products (disclaimer: might not be a fact. It may be an alternative fact).
So it was only a matter of time before he had a stinker.
‘Shaq Fu’ was a 1990s video game that combined Shaquille O’Neal with the ancient art of kung fu.
It is widely regarded as one of the worst fighting games to ever exist.
It’s so bad that there’s an entire website whose sole purpose is to destroy all remaining copies of the game.
In 2011, O’Connor said that his decision to leave the Western Force for the Melbourne Rebels would be good for his “brand”.
So it comes somewhat as a surprise that such a PR-focussed young rugby player would find himself on this list.
But for anyone who suffered through his god-awful ad for supplement brand, Swisse, his appearance here is no shock.
From what I can tell, the ad has been mercifully banished from the Internet after copping universally negative reviews.
Was it the fact that he was inexplicably dressed like a middle-aged science teacher? Was it the cringeworthy dialogue? Was it because he looked comfortable for a grand total of zero seconds?
Or was it how he kept gesticulating with his left hand as though he had only recently discovered the use of his limbs?
Take your pick, and just be thankful that we never have to see it again.
It’s a bit hard to rag on this ad because it was probably the most effective of all of them – we all know Advanced Hair Studio now!
The ad is objectively bad – cheesy cuts, strange sci-fi labs and the super creepy voice over dude – but it somehow managed the rare feat of being so bad it was good.
This is my favourite photo ever taken.
Maybe it was because the ad came out when the cricket great went from chubby, lovable Warney to skinny, plastic surgery enthusiast Warney. But I bet you any cricketing fan worth their salt can recite the commercial verbatim.
This one’s pretty straightforward.
Bonds had massive success on the back of signing Pat Rafter – a highly respected, beloved Australian hero who was absolutely ripped and looked amazing in underpants.
Then they signed Nick Kyrgios, who is the exact opposite of all those things.
Unsurprisingly, Bonds dropped him as a brand ambassador in 2015.
He’s no Pat Rafter. (Image: Bonds)
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