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It’s no secret that die-hard Australian rugby supporters are at sixes and sevens over the Australian rugby union’s handling of the game here in Australia.
The arm chair spectators who once enjoyed the successful expressive, running rugby game, are turning away in droves.
Speculation surrounding which Super Rugby franchise will be cut and the impending legal battles that will ensue thereafter continue to be an unwanted blemish on the once proud game of union and continue to dredge up unwanted publicity for the code.
Throw in Australia Super Rugby franchises’ dismal form and poor record against their overseas counterparts and it’s no secret that the game is under intense pressure.
As continued noise come from those closest to the game – the coaches, the club members and the parents who are out there, week in week out, putting their heart and soul into the game – cry out for the ARU to put funding into rugby at grassroots levels, it is for this reason that I have come forward to speak out.
Firstly, I must declare I have a solid connection at the ARU, a long time friend in whom I trust wholeheartedly. Recently, after a long overdue catch up where numerous ales were consumed, he divulged to me the following information and in the spirit of the times – Edward Snowden, Chelsea Manning and what not – I felt I could not hold on to this information simply for the good of the game I love so much.
And despite the fact it will no doubt cost me a friendship with ‘Mr X’, I must press forward.
So, brace yourselves.
The story begins at a monthly upper managerial ARU luncheon at the extremely respected Sydney restaurant Tetsuyas, where over a four hour lunch, where the equivalent of a small Baltic nation’s GDP was spent on fine wine and four courses, a plan was hatched.
(AAP Image/ David Rowland)
Yes it was agreed, the ARU’s war chest could be spent on the grassroots game, but what chance was there that would reap dividends by 2019, where the games showcase event, the Rugby World Cup, will be held?
Buckleys they said, and ordered another bottle of Grange Hermitage. (The seventh.)
What was needed was an All Star team – at all costs.
‘Mr X’ went on to explain that ARU focus groups had previously proven this, that the Australian rugby supporter base would except large sums of money being spent on athletes, not the grassroots, in exchange for the ultimate glory – beating the All Blacks on November 20, 2019.
So over dessert wines, aperitifs and fine cigars, the following list was drafted.
I should also note that I can assure you that I have seen this leaked dossier and I take no responsibility for how you, dear rugby lover, may react.
But this is the XV the ARU are chasing, to bring home Bill in 2019.
1. Paul Gallen
2. Chopper Reid
3. That big fella who always wins the Easter show wood chopping competition
4. Chewbacca
5. Yao Ming (451 Visa)
6. Ivan Drago
7. A non political nor outspoken David Pocock
8. Thor
9. Yoda (C)
10. Any of the Hemsworth brothers.
11. The Flash
12. Gary Ablett Jr
13. Skippy
14. Any quality NRL winger not on coke or up on charges.
15. Jesus (VC)
I know right! Absurd! Ridiculous!
Half of these are fictional characters for f##k’s sake!
I exasperatedly pointed this out to ‘Mr X’. I even banged a fist on the table, but he merely shrugged and said he’s seen worse ideas come out of the so called ARU brains trust.
I only share this with you dear rugby supporter so the calls continue for change at the very top, as ironically, we’ve hit rock bottom.
If you’ve been sitting on the fence wondering if Australian rugby is in good hands with it’s current managerial setup, then surely now you know what needs to be done.
Naturally I fear condemnation, quite possibly retribution, but I simply had to get this out there.
Australian rugby is doomed.
Tennis anyone?
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.