Alright, it’s Christmas Eve and you’re struggling harder than Bryce McGain at Newlands in when you decide that, yet again, sport is the answer to all your problems.
I mean, why run around all day, shoulder barging aside senior citizens and trying to intimately match gifts to loved ones needs when all your answers lay waiting for you down at your local sport shop.
Beware though that not all sporting gifts are created equal, and if you want to avoid watching the entirety of the Boxing Day Test on your smart phone in the doghouse, then here are five terrible sporting gifts that you should avoid this Christmas.
5. White Australian swim team cap
Scientists are yet to actually determine whether or not red cars in fact do go faster, however a series of trials earlier this year did prove that wearing a white cap instead of yellow in the pool is second only to visiting the Pizza Hut works buffet pre-race in terms of blowing out your lap time.
Also, if you buy one for your kids you’ll never be able to tell who the hell they are at swim club.
4. Number four GWS guernsey
You walk into the shop and as far as the eye can see, rows and rows of charcoal and orange tops with the big G stare back at you.
And you know what? They don’t look too bad. Sure the footy team struggled a little bit, but your little brother Gav could probably wear it to the gym, or even a Wests Tigers match at a pinch.
Getting closer you notice the heavily discounted price tag and the fact that they all have #4 on the back. An overly enthusiastic chap with a ruddy complexion bounds over to tell you that despite their poor record he’s really sad to see them go, that he’s sure they would do wonders for you, can adapt to any occasion…
Forty minutes later you find yourself buying a $800 home gym to get away from the bloke, only to get home and find the kid at the register has stuffed a couple of the guernsies in your bag anyway.
Now don’t get me wrong, if the person you are buying for is in to hiking over mountains or throwing up all over themselves for a week in the Sydney to Hobart then a flare would be a wonderful pressie.
If however you are purchasing it for any other reason than the above, then chances of you being barred entry into several large sporting venues, hounded by the press and asked to leave town whenever any significant overseas government official is in town is a very real prospect.
The pants don’t look too flash either.
2. Any cricket memorabilia flogged by Channel Nine
Much has been made about the potential prospect of Channel Nine and it’s rusted on commentary team losing the rights to call cricket in the near future.
Which, depending on whether or not you used to listen to ‘the Twelfth man’ tapes with your dad when your Mum was away for the weekend, may or not be brilliant news.
What is undoubtedly maaaarvelous though is the fact that this may mean an end to the commentators trying to flog off a framed anything Mark Waugh once sneezed at every time there’s a break in play.
Buy any of this stuff and far from appearing like the savvy sports collector, you’ll just come across as the goose who’s probably got a whole spare room full of Demtel kitchen appliances and miracle cleaning products.
1. It’s not about the bike by Lance Armstrong
Remember that feeling of unwrapping your very first bike on Christmas Morning?
Well imagine unwrapping an inflatable dog poo as a seven-year-old instead and that’s pretty much how anyone you buy this book is going to feel.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great read, just a shame the original director’s cut doesn’t include the M Night Shayamalan like twist at the end.
Avoid it like the WADA.
Merry Christmas all, and here’s to a great 2013
Follow Chris on Twitter @Vic_Arious