A 5-0 drubbing of England at the hands of Australia has sent both nations into a cricketing hysteria. Australian fans want another five Test matches to push for 10-0, and English fans don’t ever want to see a Test match again.
So what were the key moments that turned what was going to be a close series into one of the most comprehensive victories of all time? Here is my analysis.
The selection of Nathan Lyon
Before the coin toss ahead of the first Test in Brisbane, there was a touch of mystery about the make up of Australia’s side.
A seaming wicket made left-arm quick James Faulkner a tempting option, but eventually the Australian hierarchy showed faith in a bloke that has often been the recipient of bad selections.
In cahoots with Mitchell Johnson, the daggy finger-spinner tore through England’s middle order in their first dig of the summer, and their spectacular collapse set the tone for the rest of the series.
Pattinson and Starc are injured
“He bowls to the left, he bowls to the right” was a much-loved chant of the Barmy Army when Mitchell Johnson was bowling in previous Ashes series, and to be brutally honest, they were right.
But after this time around, many an English cricketer will be having nightmares about giant moustaches chasing them around Australian capital cities. And with good reason too, for Johnson’s 37 wickets at 13.97 dispatched this British side from here to next week.
Incredibly, he probably wouldn’t have played if James Pattinson and Mitchell Starc were fit.
England lose 6 for 9
It was one of the most exciting passages of Ashes cricket in recent memory, and when the blokes mentioned above made England’s middle order look like a bunch of drunk village cricketers one could tell this series was well and truly alive.
From 3/82 to 8/91. It doesn’t get much worse than that.
England drop catches
Had England fielded well in Adelaide, they would have won the first day by some margin, and put considerable pressure on Australia’s bowlers on a wicket that offered nothing. They dropped touch chances, and they dropped sitters, and when Brad Haddin and Michael Clarke, both of whom were given early lives, notched up their tons, English shoulders slumped.
Johnson does it again
No one expected England to fold on a track like Adelaide in the same manner as Brisbane, but this was a summer of England finding new lows, and when Johnson tore through their middle and lower order for the second Test in a row, what confidence the tourists had was now gone.
7/40 in Perth might make sense, but Johnson’s figures on an Adelaide wicket that had less life than a morgue essentially put the series to bed.
Cook Hooks
In his second dig at Adelaide, England’s captain got out in a manner that was most embarrassing. Flaying at a ball he could have ducked, Alastair Cook found the sole deep fielder and was gone for very little, but more importantly, made it clear that Australia had him completely frazzled.
Brad Haddin exists
Surely a contender for Australian of the Year, Brad Haddin, in every first innings this series, passed 50.
On one occasion, he reached a ton. Superb statistics in anyone’s book, and aggravated by fact that in each of those innings, he came to the crease with his side in trouble. Take a look at Matt Prior’s statistics to see what kind of difference he made.
Steve Smith scores a ton in Perth
On a wicket offering good pace and bounce, Steve Smith scored his first Test ton on home soil while most of his colleagues were dismissed for not many.
It was a great knock for the team, but also a hugely satisfying one for the pint-sized former Shane Warne impersonator, as he silenced his critics and showed the world that he belongs in an Ashes winning Test team.
George Bailey dismantles Jimmy Anderson
One is considered one of the greats of English cricket, and the other is holding on by his fingernails to his Test spot, but George Bailey’s assault on England’s attack leader was as brutal as it was entertaining.
If Bailey never dons the baggy green again, he will finish his Test career as a world record holding batsman, with his 28 off of one Anderson over enough to equal Brian Lara’s record.
Swann calls it quits
After Perth, Graeme Swann had seen enough. He announced his cricketing career was over, took a swipe at his unnamed colleagues, denied he ever did so, and went home.
Swann did not retire because his body couldn’t cope, and he did not retire because he couldn’t handle the life of a touring cricketer any longer.
He retired because his team had lost the Ashes, he was probably going to be dropped due to deplorable form, and at 34, why wait around?
He finishes his career as one of England’s greatest bowlers, but will always be remembered as the guy that took his bat and ball and went home.
England lead in Melbourne, then lose by plenty
When Clarke sent England in to bat on Boxing Day, I was critical, claiming that he missed a trick on what was a good batting wicket.
While I still stand by that sentiment, the manner in which Australia disposed of their opposition in the second innings had to be seen to be believed.
With a lead of 100 and ten wickets in hand, England were in absolutely no position to lose the Test, and had a great chance to restore some dignity to what had fast become a completely undignified rabble of a squad.
24 hours later, and Australia had won by eight wickets. England lost 3/1 twice, losing out to both good balls and horrible shots, and then let Australia chase down 230 with just two wickets down.
Chris Rogers scored his first Test hundred at home in a chase that was as laughable as it was predictable. Dropped catches, missed chances, and Monty Panesar being relegated to second-spinner status behind Joe Root proved that England were a completely fried Test unit.
Gazza gets five
Seen as the week link in Australia’s attack, and showed very little respect, Nathan Lyon had been chipping in at opportune moments all series.
But none will be remembered in the same fashion as his Melbourne escapade, where he knocked over his opponents with 5/50.
There were some rash strokes, and there were some good balls, but at the end of the day, he had contributed to an Australian victory in the manner that he would love the most, and in the process took his first five-for on home turf.
The entire Sydney Test
Sydney was blink and you miss it stuff.
England bowed first (albeit that was their own choice), Haddin and Smith rescued Australia, and then England capitulated to Australia’s supreme bowling. Second time around, Australia scored easy runs, Rogers scored a ton, they set England a huge total, and the Brits simply folded again.
It was like the whole series on fast forward. No batting performance was as pathetic as England’s after tea on the third day, as their disinterested batsmen threw their wickets away like they were out of date cartons of milk.
They lost the Test in three days (and that includes slow over rates), and were probably glad to do so, having endured 20 previous days of unmitigated torture. Farewell the Ashes, and farewell England.
I’ve no doubt I missed some key moments, and many of you good Roarers will disagree with me, so tell us in the comments below, what was you key Ashes moment?
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