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There’s no surer sign that a hard-nosed reporter is buckling under the grind of a long NRL season than writing a listicle – and this isn’t the first time I’ve buckled.
But rugby league reporters are fans as well – most of us, anyway – and every year we’re confronted with the same relentless barrage of negativity as your regular suburban hill-dweller when all we really want to do is watch highly paid brutes collide with each other at ramming speed in peace.
This set of seven quick fixes would lay a solid platform for the NRL to put its best foot forward and give full credit to the boys for… umm, let’s just get on with it.
Implement strict criteria for ex-players becoming commentators
This criteria should include, but not be limited to:
1. Ability to construct a sentence.
2. Ability to construct two sentences in a row. Preferably linked.
3. Ability to respond to a sentence with a sentence of their own. Preferably two.
4. Ability to offer insight and analysis beyond clichés, platitudes and dictating terms.
5. The barest trace elements of charisma.
A blanket ban on referring to players as ‘kids’
To the best of my knowledge, rugby league players now must be 18 years of age and above to make their NRL debut. Call me old-fashioned, but by my reckoning that would move them out of the domain of childhood and into the early stages of adulthood.
So call them young men, or youths if you must, but save the talk of ‘kids’ for the goat enclosure at Ekka People’s Day. Calling players ‘kids’ is an epidemic nastier than any Ekka flu, but it’s much easier to eradicate. Admitting it’s a problem is the first step.
Offer the match review panel a ‘general douchebaggery’ charge
How about that Josh Reynolds? Ran onto Lang Park on Friday night like a comic book villain, hootin’ and hollerin’ and kickin’ and trippin’ and head highin’ his way to an early shower, plus an unanticipated bill for one (1) white plastic outdoor chair.
For his troubles, Reynolds received just the lazy three weeks on the sidelines when he probably needs six to twelve months to have a good, hard look at himself.
This is where the ‘general douchebaggery’ charge, ungraded, could help the NRL educate the stars of tomorrow – ‘kids’, if you will – on what’s cool and what’s not on the rugby league field.
Also not cool: players who run up to referees while animatedly making the video ref signal as the referee is already doing so; players who don’t hand over the ball when instructed; the New South Wales Blues.
Play all Sydney Roosters home games as Newtown Jets curtain raisers
As they demonstrated against the Gold Coast Titans on Monday night, the NRL premiers are adept at playing in front of four-digit crowd figures generated by creative number crunchers. Put them in front of 8,972 at Henson Park every second Saturday and their self-esteem will skyrocket.
Alternatively, lock in some experimental double-headers with the AFL’s GWS Giants at the Sydney Showgrounds. As neither side truly represents the geographical area their name purports to, it’s the marketers’ dream that Sydney’s disenfranchised sports fans had to have.
Move the Cronulla Sharks to Perth
I have no factual back-up for this statement other than that it would make a lot of anonymous keyboard warriors happy. At least until they remember the emptiness in their own lives.
Consolidation of team jerseys
One primary strip. One clash strip.
The clash strip can be Indigenous one year, Women in League the next, Heritage the year after that and Popeye (RIP Robin) the year after that if it must, but not all of them every year at seemingly random intervals.
Thank you.
Play all matches out of a centralised stadium
In which all spectators have the best seat in the house, covered seating to their desired comfort level, extracurricular activities for the kids, full-strength booze and any food they desire.
We shall call this innovation ‘television’ and it shall solve all of rugby league’s problems, while simultaneously creating dozens more.
Two steps forward, three steps back.
Just the way rugby league likes it.
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