Twitter is a difficult medium to succeed in, and it’s even more difficult when you’re a professional sportsman, with all the duties and responsibilities that entails.
How often to tweet? How to condense your thoughts into 140 characters? How to have any thoughts in the first place? All of these can be tricky conundrums for the sports Tweeter.
Cronulla Sharks captain, State of Origin enforcer and Renaissance man Paul Gallen found out the hard way what a minefield Twitter can be this week when he dropped himself straight into the kettle of controversy.
His tweet regarding recently departed Sharks CEO Steve Noyce, read, “Steve Noice [sic] actually cared about players from cronulla’s feelings. Couldn’t say that about any other c— from Nrl”.
At first it seemed the public upset was regarding his inability to correctly spell Noyce’s name, but actually it turned out to be over the fact that he referred to the folks of the NRL, in general, as “c—s”, an inflammatory term that is all the more inflammatory for the mystery behind what the dashes mean.
This is a careless act from a man whose reputation in the game has grown to the point where many astute judges consider him to possess the largest chin in post-war football.
But it could have been avoided with just a little bit of professional social media training. I would’ve been happy to offer my services, and in fact I do so here and now. As a man with more than 225,000 tweets to his credit, compared to “Gal” and his feeble 1148, I feel well-qualified for the job.
And so here it is: The Foolproof Guide to Trouble-free Tweeting by Professional Sportspeople and Sundry Athletes
1. Do your research
It only takes a few hours on Google or Bing to discover the identity of your sport’s governing body. If you’re a rugby league player it’s probably the NRL. If you play Australian Rules it’s most likely the AFL. If you are a basketballer it’s the CWA.
But check and double-check. Then, having found out who is in charge of administrating your sport, follow one very simple rule: don’t call them c—s on Twitter. It’s easier than it sounds.
2. Be careful what company you keep
It might seem fun to have a virtual chin-wag with @MRA21 or @GODHATESFAGS_89, but it can really lead you down a very dangerous rabbithole. Also, stay away from controversial hashtags, including but not restricted to #auspol, #GamerGate, #KillAllMen and #DoctorWho.
3. Keep your laughter to yourself
Sometimes you’re going to see or hear things that are funny, and you’re going to want to tweet about them. That’s perfectly natural, but be aware that every time you use the terms “haha” or “LOL” in a tweet you are cementing your reputation as a blithering man-child.
Before you transcribe your laughter, stop and ask yourself, “how dumb do I wish people to think I am?” If the answer is “not very”, stop.
4. Learn from the masters
You can learn how to tweet as a high-profile athlete by looking at the Twitter feeds of other high-profile athletes. Here are some examples.
Such as Warnie: Having a "Suits" withdrawal !!! Need to see season 4 somehow. Have a great day / night…. I am Harvey Specter hahaha #you’vebeenlittup
Help please – how do I best remove tattoo stencil ink?
— Joel Selwood (@joelselwood14) September 18, 2014
Or in the immortal words of David Warner: “How good are turtles?”
You see what I’m saying? Examine the tweets of Warne, Selwood, Warner et al, and then do the exact opposite of everything they do.
5. Have respect for women at all times
If you need a reminder of what women are, check out the Brownlow red carpet on YouTube. If you need a reminder of what respect is, find a video of Benny Elias and his mum. Incidentally, his mum is also a woman – they come in all shapes and sizes!
6. Avoid tweeting about politics.
I understand this might be difficult given your average sportsman’s keen interest in education funding models and parliamentary decorum, but it can be done. In fact…
7. It’s safest to restrict tweeting to a list of risk-free topics.
As below:
– What a great night you had enjoying the hospitality of a sponsor.
– What a great performance another sportsperson put in.
– What a great night you had with another sportsperson.
– What a great night another sportsperson had with you while enjoying the hospitality of a sponsor following a great performance.
– How much you loved the movie you just saw.
– How much you loved the Xbox game you just played.
– How much you do for sick kids.
– How many Xboxes you’ve given to sick kids.
– Golf
– Dancing With The Stars
– Your boundless love for Australia/your mother/Jesus.
8. Don’t tweet too frequently
I can rack up hundreds of tweets a day because I am a professional writer and also I suffer from a constant gnawing emptiness inside. As a professional athlete you’ve got better things to do. If you tweet too often people will start questioning your commitment to the pre-season burpee programme.
9. Don’t retweet praise
The people who follow you probably already know you’re pretty good at sport, they don’t need character references from people neither they nor you have ever met.
10. Learn to read and write
It’ll add zing to your tweets.
If only Paul Gallen had seen this guide before he decided to opine on the level of c—s in the atmosphere round NRL headquarters, he may be a happier Shark today. We can only hope he learns for the future.
For all other sporting heroes, print this out and stick it to your wall and/or girlfriend in order to memorise it. It could be the difference between you having a successful career, and having a successful career where you have to keep apologising to people you hate. Mark my words.
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