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Most of us shout at our TV screen, usually at the referee. But sometimes it’s at a player, and not at an opposition player – one of our own.
We are partisan, but we usually have one guy on our side we cannot stand. Either he’s got an annoying habit (the scrumhalf with that extra hitch in his delivery), a fatal flaw (missing the vital kick from a particular angle almost all the time), a telegraphed tendency (the cutback that fools nobody), an inability to stay in the field of play, or just has a look we don’t like (for some, socks around the ankles or a scrum cap that is too large or a way of fixing his hair or disconcerting eyes).
We’d rather not have that guy on our team.
My teams are Western Province, the Stormers, and the Springboks. The players who drive me crazy from each of these teams are:
1. Jaco Taute (WP)
This big utility back who drives me mental. He finds space he should avoid. He finds contact he could avoid. He kicks too high when he need a low, raking kick.
He gets charged down when he just needs it out. He looks sleepy. He whines. He does just enough (like a winning drop goal as time expires) to stay in the squad, and then does almost enough to be dropped. When he is injured, his recovery is glacial.
I accuse him of having attending Zane Kirchner’s high performance academy. I picture him having Kirchner’s poster in his bedroom.
2. Bongi Mbonambi (Stormers)
Bongi is a short hooker with short arms and a short attention span. When he runs on, I know we are about to give the opposition lineout ball inside our 22.
He is deceptively light, deceptively weak, and deceptively slow. When he scrums, he is airborne. Steven Kitshoff once ate him for a snack by mistake.
He is always screaming about something. Maybe he is shouting at the universe, “Why did you make my arms so short when they really really need to be long?”
3. Jannie du Plessis (Boks)
Tighthead incumbent Jannie makes me grumpy, because Jannie is grumpy. I know he is a doctor, but he makes me sick. I know he was born in Bethlehem, but he makes me doubt the presence of a benevolent, omniscient deity.
His lack of flexibility in contact, flailing tackle attempts, silly niggle, and absence of skills with the ball are the cause of 35.2 per cent of my angst when the Boks play the All Blacks. I want to congratulate him for his career, and hand the number 3 jersey to Jozua Francois Malherbe (24) who is bigger (125 kg), taller (1.9 m), stronger, faster, meaner, more technically skilled at the scrum, an exponentially superior tackler who was a mainstay at every level and won interschools for Paarl Boys High, the Currie Cup at 21, and is dominating SANZAR opponents in 2015.
Jannie hasn’t dominated anyone in the scrum since 2011. He needs a haircut. And he drives me crazy.
Who would you cut from your teams?
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.