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Australia has always been different. It’s not Australians’ fault. It has to do with the land bridge being closed by the ocean, consequent marsupialism, and pouches.
It’s a long story, but RobC and I will explain. Every sentence is written by both of us; we alternated words, so some of the sentences jump around like a joey named Joey.
The Australian national rugby team was originally named the Rabbits. But within two years, this mascot was extinct. Instead, marsupialism took hold and the Wallabies were born.
That was 97 years ago. The Wallabies have evolved. There are dozens of marsupials in Australia and its islands. America has the only other marsupial. They have the possum, which plays dead when it is attacked. The Yanks call it ‘playing possum.’ The Eagles play rugby possum.
But back to Australia. Australia dominates the marsupial world. Marsupials also dominate Australia. They are weird, but somehow they win.
James O’Connor hopped out of the pouch and kicked the Springboks out of the 2011 World Cup. The baby Bieber had kicked the Bledisloe Cup in 2010. But then he hopped back into the pouch.
Marsupials are never normal. Take the oddest one of all. The platypus. It is the NSW official state animal – just like Michael Hooper. He can scurry through and under obstacles. His poison defensive spurs knock down opponents.
Platypuses have Hooper eyes. There’s a manful beadiness about their flat eyes. If a platypus played rugby, he would snout himself into muck and rucks. Maybe Hooper is still an infant platypus. Imagine when he grows up.
Joeys are cute, like young Kurtley Beale was. Joeys need care, guidance and lot suckling. They often nurse when they get as big as their mothers. It makes them bob and spring.
A pouch is not natural. Aussie rugby skills are not natural. We are not sure what that means. But we hope the Aussie coaches do.
The Dingo is an unnatural beast, not really embracing the marsupials. He played what’s in front of him and devoured the baby Bieber.
Quade ‘Bilby’ Cooper, skips like a elusive rabbit. He was rogered by the Dingo. The Bilby, also known as the rabbit-bandicoot, is a part-time bandit. Laptops, Wallaby coaches, illegal tackles. Anything goes.
The lesser Bilby has been extinct since just after World War 2. This was around the time when RAF pilot Bernard Foley learnt rugby. Jolly good, old chap. Tally-ho! Lt. Foley flew a dangerous mission recently, attempting a high hurdle of an African knee. During his pre-kick routine, Lt. Foley smokes a pipe. He is the least marsupial rugby player in Australia, except for Adam Ashley-Cooper, who seems like a Royal Marine.
Quade, the greater Bilby, is almost extinct. The Bilby pouch is even more unnatural, like QC’s defence, points backwards. It has large, loopy forward stretching ears. Like QC’s passes.
The three tonne Diprotodon, like a good Australian scrummaging front row, has been extinct a very very long time. Today’s Australian scrummagers are wombats. They waddle amiably to the front row and invariably seek comfort by burrowing their snouts into the dirt. They leave turd-like hormones called scats to mark their turf. This is to scare off their enemies. Often, their scats are actually turds, but only in Melbourne.
They climb from the birth canal of the scrum into general play and seem to jump all over the pitch, looking for a pouch. At the junior world rugby championships, the young under-20 Aussies move like helpless embryos.
After Dingo, the Link arrived. He looked like the missing link, a Darwinian name bestowed by Eddie Jones – who himself was a cross between a Japanese boar and a ghetto gekko.
Within weeks, the Link linked everyone. He tried to crossbreed the head wobbling, Rob “Emu” Simmons with Tasmanian “Toomua” Devil and the majestic red kangaroo – the graceful, tall hopper – Izzy Folau. Alas, the species were not compatible.
In the end, the missing link went missing, after he tried to catch Beale during a hop across the Indian Ocean.
Michael Cheika, who ruled NSW, was forced to climb higher up the eucalyptus and reconstruct the marsupial’s inner mammal.
A proper mammal is supposed to gestate. In a proper womb the fundamental development of skills should occur as a preparation for live birth.
Australia loves diversity. Marsupials are diverse Down Under. Unlike in the Americas where the only marsupial is a dull, slow, ugly possum, marsupials dominate the Australian and Tasman islands, as the key native mammals.
The problem for Aussie rugby is marsupials aren’t very big or fierce and they tend not to be able to interbreed. So, foreign warthogs (David Pocock) and giraffes (Dan Vickerman) and rhinos (Topo Rodriguez) are needed.
There is a legend in Tasmania that the marsupial wolf is not extinct as commonly thought, but is in fact a thriving species hiding in the Outback.
It is vital for the ARU to embrace marsupial rugby. No other nation has small four-footed marsupial moles that could revolutionise jackling and the breakdown.
Imagine the turnovers if you can dig under the gate and come up inside the ruck
Imagine the offloads if you use hands, feet and your beak
Imagine how the opposition will wear down if they inject a bit of poison in a tackle
Many Aussies long for convergence and running rugby evolution towards league goannas like Greg Inglis. Many Aussies love the non-stop concept by fusing the non-stop AFL flying galah. They want to genetically fuse placental union to fill the same ecological niches.
Even the Kiwis are squawking for speedy rugby, seemingly influenced by the scurrying leaguies. But we think Australian rugby is best when it retains the burrowing excellence of Hodgo, the grazing skills of Scott Fardy, the gliding traits of Hooper, and even the long-neck head bobbing talent of Rob Simmons.
Join The Roar rugby editor Christy Doran, former Wallaby Matt Toomua and a cast of regular and special guests as they look at the biggest issues in the game on The Roar Rugby Podcast. If you’re looking for great odds on the next game check out Aussie bookmaker PlayUp. Chances are you’re about to lose. Set a deposit limit.